S - Shame and guilt

Recognizable questions

- Why does guilt sometimes linger after I’ve made a choice?

- Why do I sometimes not think ‘I did something wrong,’ but ‘I am wrong’?

- How do I know whether guilt is appropriate for something I’m truly responsible for?

- Can guilt also be a healthy signal?

- Why does shame sometimes make me want to hide or withdraw?

- Can I still feel guilty about something that, according to my current values, isn’t wrong at all?

- How can I take responsibility without rejecting myself as a person?

What are guilt and shame?

Guilt and shame are self-conscious emotions: they arise from how we judge ourselves, our behavior, and our relationship to others.
They are often described like this:

GUILT

‘I did something
that doesn’t fit
my values’


SHAME

‘There is something
wrong with me’

That distinction is useful, but in real life the two emotions often overlap. Someone can feel guilty about an action and at the same time feel ashamed of themselves for it.

Guilt is more often about behavior

Guilt can arise when someone thinks they have violated an important standard or personal value.
For example:
‘I hurt someone.’
‘I lied.’
‘I deliberately didn’t keep an appointment.’
When guilt is proportionate, it can help someone take responsibility.

I did something
that isn’t right
      ↓
guilt
      ↓
thinking it through
      ↓
apologies / making amends
      ↓
behaving differently

In that sense, guilt does not have to be unhealthy at all.

Shame more often affects the whole self

Shame can go far beyond judging one action.

GUILT

‘That was not good’


SHAME

‘I am not good’

Someone experiencing shame may think:
‘If people really knew who I am, they would reject me.’
‘I’m worthless.’
‘There is something fundamentally wrong with me.’
That can create the urge to hide mistakes, withdraw, or avoid conversations.

An example from everyday life

You forget an important appointment.
Guilt may say:
‘I let someone down. I want to apologize and make this right.’
Shame may say:
‘I’m so worthless. Of course I’m messing everything up again. Soon everyone will see what kind of person I really am.’

THE SAME MISTAKE

      ↓

GUILT
‘What can I repair?’

or

SHAME
‘What does this say about
me as a person?’

The event is the same. The conclusion about yourself is different.

Why do these emotions exist?

Guilt and shame also have a social function.
People live in groups where cooperation, reliability, and consideration for others matter. Emotions that make us sensitive to the consequences of our behavior can help preserve relationships.
For example, guilt can motivate us to:

• apologize;

• repair the damage;

• change our behavior;

• consider others.
  Shame can make someone aware of social rejection or damage to their reputation. But when shame becomes very strong, it can instead lead to withdrawal or hiding.

Feeling guilty does not automatically prove you did something wrong

This distinction is important.
An emotion is real, but it does not automatically prove that the conclusion attached to it is true.

‘I feel guilty’

        ≠

‘So I must have
actually done
something wrong’

We may feel guilty because we really did make a mistake.
But guilt can also arise because we once learned that certain behavior was wrong, even when we no longer agree with that standard later on.

Standards are learned

Our conscience does not develop in a vacuum.
From an early age, we learn through parents, culture, school, religion, and our social environment what is seen as good, bad, allowed, or shameful.

rules and values
from the environment
      ↓
repetition
      ↓
internal standard
      ↓
‘that’s how it should be’
      ↓
guilt when
I deviate from it

Many of those standards may later fully align with our own values.
But some may change.
That is why with guilt, a second question is sometimes needed:
‘Which standard do I feel I violated — and do I still personally endorse that standard today?’

Learned does not automatically mean untrue

The fact that we learned a standard from others does not mean that standard is therefore wrong.
Virtually all our moral ideas are shaped, in part, by other people.

LEARNED

        ≠

automatically
wrong

Someone may first have learned a value from their parents or faith and later, after thinking independently, still say:
‘Yes, this is something I value myself.’
So the relevant question is not only where the standard came from, but also whether you now genuinely endorse it yourself and why.

Guilt after a change in faith or conviction

When someone’s beliefs change, emotions can change more slowly than ideas.
Someone may think rationally:
‘I no longer believe this is wrong.’
and yet still feel physical or emotional tension or guilt when doing it.

OLD STANDARD

‘This is not allowed’
      ↓
years of association
with guilt or fear
      ↓
NEW BELIEF

‘I no longer think
this is wrong’

but

the feeling may still
linger for a while

That does not necessarily mean that deep down the person still believes in the old standard. Emotional reactions can remain longer than conscious beliefs.

How can this be recognizable among (ex-)Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Religious traditions have different ideas about sin, guilt, conscience, repentance, and forgiveness.
Among Jehovah’s Witnesses, members are likewise taught that certain choices are right or wrong according to the Bible. For someone who shares that belief, guilt after breaking such a standard can be a meaningful part of their conscience.
So it would be wrong to say:
‘Religious guilt is unhealthy.’
That does not have to be the case at all.

But what happens when the belief changes?

Some former Jehovah’s Witnesses describe still feeling guilty after leaving when engaging in behavior they no longer rationally view as wrong.
In that case, three things can be separated from one another:

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

‘This is wrong’


WHAT DO I FEEL?

‘I feel guilty’


WHAT DO I THINK NOW?

‘According to my current
values, do I really see
this as wrong?’

Those answers do not have to be the same right away.

A religious standard can also be your own standard

The reverse is just as important.
When someone still says:
‘I think this is wrong because this truly is my conviction,’
that standard does not have to be psychologically explained away as indoctrination or learned guilt.
A person can genuinely endorse religious values themselves.
So the goal of self-examination is not:
‘All old standards must go.’
but rather:
‘Which standards still fit me after honest reflection?’

Guilt, shame, and rejection

Shame becomes stronger when someone expects that not only their behavior, but they themselves as a person, will be rejected.

‘You did something
I think is wrong’

        feels different from

‘Because of what you did,
you are a bad
or unworthy person’

That is why it can be important to distinguish between:
judging behavior
and
judging a person’s overall worth.
A person can make a serious mistake without their entire identity being reduced to that mistake.

Healthy guilt

Guilt can be useful when it is reasonably proportionate to what happened.
For example:

I truly hurt
someone
      ↓
I acknowledge that
      ↓
I take responsibility
      ↓
I try to make amends
      ↓
I learn from it

Healthy responsibility does not require someone to keep punishing themselves endlessly after they have done what was reasonably possible to repair the harm.

When does guilt become less helpful?

Guilt can become more problematic when someone takes responsibility for things over which they had little or no control.
For example:
‘My mother is sad, so my choice must be wrong.’
‘My family has distanced themselves, so I must have hurt everyone.’
‘If someone is disappointed in me, I probably did something wrong.’

SOMEONE IS SAD

        ≠

SO I MUST HAVE
DONE SOMETHING WRONG

You can feel compassion for another person’s sadness without automatically seeing their emotion as proof of your guilt.

Guilt and responsibility are not the same

Guilt is a feeling.
Responsibility is an assessment of what someone actually did, chose, and could influence.

FEELING GUILTY

‘I feel that
this is my fault’


RESPONSIBILITY

‘Which part was
actually mine?’

That is why someone can feel extremely guilty and still bear little responsibility.
And someone can feel hardly any guilt while still clearly being responsible for harmful behavior.

Shame can make repair harder, not easier

When someone thinks:
‘I did something wrong,’
repair may still feel possible.
When someone thinks:
‘I am wrong,’
the situation can feel more hopeless.

‘I DID SOMETHING
WRONG’
      ↓
behavior can change


‘I AM WRONG’
      ↓
what is there left
to change?

That is one of the reasons why the distinction between behavior and identity can be important.

Responsibility without self-rejection

You do not have to choose between two extremes:

EXTREME 1

‘I did nothing
wrong’


EXTREME 2

‘I am a
bad person’

There is a third possibility:

‘What I did
was not right.

I take
responsibility for it.

And I am more
than this mistake.’

That makes repair possible without denying the mistake.

Examine the standard behind the guilt

When guilt lingers, you can ask different questions:

What did I do?

Who was harmed
by it?

Which standard did I
violate, according to myself?

From whom did I learn
that standard?

Do I still think that
standard is right today?

Is my guilt
proportionate to
what happened?

Sometimes that leads to:
‘Yes, I want to make something right.’
Sometimes to:
‘I did nothing that is wrong according to my current values.’
And sometimes to:
‘I don’t know yet.’
That last one is also allowed.

What can you do with it?

When guilt or shame becomes strong, start by making the distinction:

IS THIS ABOUT:

what I did?

or

who I think
I am?

If you truly hurt someone, look at what you can concretely repair.
If the guilt mainly stems from an old standard, examine whether you still personally endorse that standard.
And if shame turns into thoughts like ‘I am worthless’, try to bring the judgment back to the concrete behavior:
What exactly happened?

Questions to reflect on

- Is my feeling about what I did or about who I think I am?

- Which value or rule did I violate, according to myself?

- Is this still a value I personally endorse?

- Did I really cause someone harm, or does something mainly feel forbidden?

- Can I repair what I did without rejecting myself as a person?

- Is my guilt roughly proportionate to my actual part in it?

- What would I say to someone I love if they had made exactly the same mistake?

Summary

Guilt and shame look similar, but often place the emphasis somewhere different.

GUILT

‘I did something
that does not fit my
values’


SHAME

‘I am, as a person,
wrong or
inferior’

Guilt can be a useful signal when someone has truly violated an important value and can make amends.
Shame, by contrast, can more quickly put the entire self on trial and thereby lead to hiding or withdrawing.
But both emotions are complex and often overlap.
For people whose beliefs are changing, a particular difference can also emerge:

OLD STANDARD
      ↓
guilt remains
      ↓
NEW BELIEF

‘Do I actually
still think this
is wrong?’

The presence of guilt therefore does not automatically prove that something was wrong.
But the opposite is also true: old or religious standards are not automatically unhealthy just because they were taught.
The key question is:
Can I honestly examine what I am truly responsible for, which values are mine today, and at the same time preserve my worth as a person?

Sources and further reading

June P. Tangney & Ronda L. Dearing – Shame and Guilt, 2002. An in-depth work on the differences and similarities between guilt and shame and their relationship to behavior and self-evaluation.
June P. Tangney, Jeff Stuewig & Debra J. Mashek – Moral Emotions and Moral Behavior, 2007. On the role of guilt, shame, and other moral emotions in responsibility, repair, and social behavior.
June P. Tangney e.a. – Are Shame, Guilt, and Embarrassment Distinct Emotions?, 1996. Research into the differences between self-conscious emotions and the way people experience them.
Jessica L. Tracy & Richard W. Robins – Putting the Self Into Self-Conscious Emotions: A Theoretical Model, 2004. A theoretical model of how appraisals of events and the self contribute to emotions such as shame and guilt.
Tilghman-Osborne, Cole & Felton – Definition and Measurement of Guilt: Implications for Clinical Research and Practice, 2010. On the different meanings of guilt and the importance of carefully distinguishing between adaptive and problematic forms.

Read also

Learned guilt – When feelings of guilt become tied to rules and standards you have been taught.
Self-blame – When you keep looking to yourself as the one responsible.
Self-compassion – Taking responsibility without rejecting yourself as a person.
Conscience – How standards, upbringing, and personal beliefs together shape your moral compass.
Internalization – How rules from outside can become part of your own inner voice.
Victim blaming and self-blame – When responsibility for pain and loss can end up with the wrong person.
Self-image – How experiences and others’ reactions can affect how you see yourself.