S - Blame Shifting

When responsibility for one’s own behavior ends up with someone else RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Have you ever thought: • Why do I get blamed for the way someone else reacts to me? • Why does someone say: "You’re making me do this" ? • Why do I feel responsible for the sadness, anger, or choices of others? • Can my behavior trigger a reaction without me being responsible for that reaction? • Why is it sometimes so hard to admit that we ourselves did something wrong? • When is someone truly responsible and when is responsibility shifted? • Can blame shifting also happen unconsciously? This may have to do with blame shifting , in other words shifting blame or responsibility. WHAT IS BLAME SHIFTING? Blame shifting means that someone places responsibility for their own behavior, decision, or mistake wholly or partly on someone else. A simple example: Someone shouts during an argument and then says: "Yes, but you made me so angry." The other person may indeed have said something that caused anger. But two separate things happened: Someone says something ↓ The other person gets angry ↓ The other person decides to shout The first person may be responsible for their own words. The second remains responsible for the way they deal with their anger. Blame shifting arises when those boundaries between responsibilities become blurred. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? It is not pleasant to discover that you did something wrong. That can clash with the image we have of ourselves: "I am a good person." "I am reasonable." "I treat others well." When our behavior does not match that self-image, psychological tension can arise. One way to reduce that tension is: "It wasn’t my fault." Or: "I had no other choice." Or: "If you hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have had to react like this." That does not always happen consciously or manipulatively. People are very good at later finding explanations that make their own behavior seem more understandable. EXAMPLES FROM EVERYDAY LIFE A parent says: "I only got so angry because you weren’t listening." An employee says: "I made that mistake because my colleague explained everything so badly." Someone who forgets an appointment says: "You should have reminded me." Or someone ends contact after a conflict and says: "You made it so that we no longer have contact." Sometimes there is a real contribution from the other person in a situation. That is why blame shifting is not always black and white. The better question is: Who was responsible for what? CAUSE IS NOT THE SAME AS RESPONSIBILITY This distinction is very important. Your behavior ↓ can trigger something in me ↓ my feelings ↓ but I remain responsible for ↓ my reaction Suppose someone criticizes me. That makes me angry. My anger really arose as a result of that conversation. But then I can: walk away; answer calmly; shout back; set a boundary; or continue the conversation later. So my emotion has a trigger. My behavior remains my responsibility. HOW CAN THIS BE RECOGNIZED AMONG (FORMER) JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES? Here I would phrase things carefully at EXJW.world . Some former Jehovah's Witnesses, for example, describe conversations in which they are told: "You chose to leave." "You left the family." or: "If you come back, everything can be like it was before." That can lead the person who left to conclude: "So the loss of my family is my fault." But psychologically it helps to separate the different decisions. PERSON A "I no longer believe this and decide to say so." ↓ PERSON B "Based on my religious convictions, I decide to limit contact." ↓ RESULT Distance or loss of contact arises. Both people made a choice. That does not mean that both choices were equally easy, had the same consequences, or were morally equivalent. It only means that responsibility can be examined more accurately when we look at each decision separately. "BUT YOU LEFT, DIDN'T YOU?" This is exactly where cause, trigger, and responsibility can get mixed up. If someone had not left, a certain situation might never have arisen. But that does not automatically mean that everything that happens afterward is that person’s responsibility. Compare: Someone says to a friend: "I don't want you to insult me anymore." The friend responds: "If you put conditions like that on our friendship, I never want to see you again." The boundary that was set was a trigger for the conflict. But the decision to then break off contact is a new decision by the other person . That distinction can also be important within family relationships. BLAME SHIFTING CAN COME FROM EITHER SIDE I think this is important for the neutrality of EXJW.world . A former Jehovah's Witness can also shift responsibility. For example: "Everything that goes wrong in my life is because of my upbringing." Religious upbringing may have had a major influence. Perhaps someone was truly harmed by certain experiences. But that does not automatically mean that every later decision is fully determined by the past. Recovery may in fact mean: recognizing what others have done to me and examining what I can take responsibility for today myself. That way you prevent the article from becoming an accusation against one group. BLAME SHIFTING OR AN HONEST EXPLANATION? Not every explanation is blame shifting. Explanation: "I reacted that way because I was scared. That explains my behavior, but I shouldn't have treated you that way." Blame shifting: "I reacted that way because you scared me. So it's your fault." The difference lies mainly in what happens afterward: Do I still take responsibility for my own part? A USEFUL SCHEMA SOMETHING HAPPENS ↓ I experience an emotion ↓ I react ↓ Consequences arise Then four separate questions: What did the other person do? ↓ What did I feel? ↓ What did I do? ↓ What am I responsible for? That prevents everything from being lumped together. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH IT? When someone says: "Because of you I had to..." try to examine the word had to . Was there really no other possibility? You can then make two columns: MY RESPONSIBILITY My words My behavior My decisions My boundaries My mistakes THE OTHER PERSON'S RESPONSIBILITY His or her words His or her behavior His or her decisions His or her boundaries His or her mistakes Sometimes you discover that you really do need to take responsibility for something yourself. That is not a problem. Taking responsibility is something different from taking all the blame. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT • What am I being held responsible for? • Did I really have control over that? • What was my part? • What was the other person's part? • Am I confusing the trigger with responsibility? • Does someone often say: "Because of you I had to..." ? • Do I sometimes use phrases like that myself? • Can I explain my behavior without excusing it? • Can I acknowledge that someone hurt me and still keep examining my own part? • Which responsibility is truly mine? • Which responsibility am I perhaps trying to take over from someone else? SUMMARY Blame shifting occurs when responsibility for one's own behavior or decisions ends up with someone else. The opposite is not: "I am not to blame for anything." The opposite is: "Everyone carries responsibility for their own part." That is why it helps to distinguish between: Trigger ↓ Feeling ↓ Choice ↓ Behavior ↓ Responsibility Sometimes multiple people have a part in the same painful situation. You can acknowledge what you could have done differently without being responsible for everything someone else then decided. And the reverse is also true. Healthy responsibility does not mean placing all blame on yourself or on the other person. It means examining as honestly as possible which part belongs to whom.