Z - Self-blame

When you keep looking for the responsibility in yourself RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Have you ever thought: • Why do I keep blaming myself for what happened? • Why do I think: if only I had stayed, I would still have my family? • Why do I feel guilty even though I rationally know that other people make their own choices too? • Why do I keep replaying conversations and thinking about what I should have said differently? • Why does choosing myself sometimes feel like I am hurting others? • Why can I understand that someone else is allowed to set boundaries, but see that as selfish when it comes to myself? • Why does it feel like I am responsible for the pain of my parents, children, or family? • How do I learn to distinguish between taking responsibility and blaming myself for everything ? This may have to do with self-blame . WHAT IS SELF-BLAME? Self-blame means that someone holds themselves responsible for a negative event or its consequences. Sometimes that is justified. If you have intentionally hurt someone, guilt can help you take responsibility, offer apologies, or change your behavior. But self-blame can also go much further. Then: "I played a part in this." slowly becomes: "This is all my fault." Or: "If I had been different, this would never have happened." In doing so, someone may take responsibility for things over which they had only partial — or no — control. WHY DOES OUR BRAIN DO THIS? Strangely enough, self-blame can give a sense of control. The thought: "I could have prevented this" can sometimes be easier to bear than: "I had no control over what the other person decided." Because if it was your fault, then in hindsight there seems to be a solution: I just should have done something else. In this way, our brain tries to make a painful event into a story we can understand. But a story that makes sense is not automatically a true story. EXAMPLE FROM EVERYDAY LIFE After ending a relationship, someone thinks: "If I had been more patient, we would still be together." Maybe that person did indeed make mistakes. But a relationship consists of two people. The thought: "I could have done things differently" is something else entirely from: "The failure of our relationship was entirely my fault." The first can be healthy self-reflection. The second can become self-blame. HOW CAN THIS BE RECOGNIZABLE AMONG (FORMER) JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES? For some former Jehovah's Witnesses, self-blame can arise when their changed beliefs have major consequences for relationships. Someone may think: "I am the one who left." "My mother is hurting because of me." "My children no longer see their family because of my choice." "If I go back, maybe everything can be like it used to be again." And ultimately: "So I caused this." But here, different responsibilities are getting mixed together. You can be responsible for the choice to say: "I no longer believe this." A family member is at the same time responsible for the way he or she responds to that. How self-blame can arise Something painful happens ↓ I look for a cause ↓ I focus mainly on my own part ↓ "If I had acted differently, this would not have happened" ↓ I feel responsible for other people's reaction ↓ Guilt and self-blame The difference is huge. Taking responsibility can help with recovery. Taking everything on yourself can instead trap you in guilt. THE QUESTION: "BUT IF I HADN'T LEFT..." That thought may be partly true in factual terms. Perhaps certain contact would indeed still exist if you had made different choices. But that still does not prove: "So the loss of contact is my fault." Compare it with someone setting a boundary in a relationship: "I don't want to be shouted at anymore." The other person replies: "Then I never want to see you again." Without that boundary, the contact might have remained. But that does not automatically mean that the person who set the boundary is responsible for the ending of the contact. Cause, trigger, and responsibility are not always the same thing. That distinction can be extremely important. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH IT? When you notice that you are blaming yourself, write down three things separately: 1. What did I choose or do myself? 2. What did others choose or do? 3. What did no one have full control over? After that, you can ask yourself: What am I willing to take responsibility for? There may be things you look back on and say: "I wish I had done that differently." That is okay. But then comes a second question: What responsibility does not belong to me? That question is at least as important. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT • What exactly am I blaming myself for? • Which concrete action of mine do I think was wrong? • Or do I mainly feel guilty because other people are sad? • Did I really have control over their reaction? • Am I making myself responsible for my family's happiness? • Would I judge someone else in my situation just as harshly? • What could I actually have done differently? • What was beyond my influence? • Which mistake do I want to acknowledge and possibly make right? • What guilt am I carrying that may not be entirely mine? • Can I miss someone without concluding that my choice was therefore wrong? SUMMARY Self-blame is more than acknowledging that you have made mistakes. It arises when you pull responsibility toward yourself for events, reactions, or consequences in which other people and circumstances also played a role. For some (ex-)Jehovah's Getuigen, that can be especially complicated when a change in faith goes hand in hand with the loss of family and friends. Then the thought may arise: "If only I had been different, I would still have everyone." Perhaps the situation really would have been different then. But that is not the same as saying that you are responsible for every decision others then made. A healthier question is therefore not: "Is everything my fault?" but: "Which part is truly mine — and which part is not?" That creates room to take responsibility where necessary, without automatically carrying the responsibility of everyone around you.