Z - Self-blame — EXJW World

Recognizable Questions

- Why do I keep blaming myself for what happened?

- Why does choosing myself sometimes feel like I’m doing something bad to other people?

- Why do I keep replaying conversations and thinking about what I should have done differently?

- Why do I feel responsible for other people’s sadness or disappointment?

- Why do I think: ‘If only I had acted differently, this wouldn’t have happened’?

- How do I know which part is actually my responsibility?

- Can I take responsibility without blaming myself for everything?

What Is Self-Blame?

Self-blame means holding yourself responsible for a negative event or its consequences.
Sometimes that is justified. If you deliberately hurt someone, guilt can help you take responsibility, apologize, or change your behavior.
But self-blame can go further:

‘I played
some part in this’
        ↓
‘I should have
prevented this’
        ↓
‘So this is
my fault’
        ↓
‘If I had been different,
this wouldn’t have happened’

Then you take responsibility onto yourself for something in which other people, circumstances, and choices beyond your control also played a role.

Taking Responsibility Is Not the Same as Blaming Yourself

An important distinction is:

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

What did I do?
        ↓
What was the
result of that?
        ↓
What do I want to
acknowledge or repair?
        ↓
What do I want to
do differently next time?


SELF-BLAME

Something went wrong
        ↓
I look for the cause
mainly in myself
        ↓
‘I should have
prevented this’
        ↓
‘It’s my fault’
        ↓
Guilt and shame

Healthy responsibility is about concrete behavior. Self-blame can keep expanding and eventually shift from ‘I did something wrong’ to ‘I’m the one who caused everything to go wrong.’
Research on guilt and shame makes a similar distinction: guilt more often focuses on a specific action — ‘I did something I regret’ — while shame more easily affects the whole self — ‘There is something wrong with me.’

Why Can Self-Blame Feel Like Control?

Oddly enough, self-blame can sometimes feel safer than acknowledging that you couldn’t control something.

Something painful
happens
      ↓
I look for an
explanation
      ↓
‘What could I have done
differently?’
      ↓
‘Then I could have
prevented it’
      ↓
Feeling of control

The thought ‘I could have prevented this’ can be easier to bear than: ‘I couldn’t decide what someone else would do.’
Because if it was all your fault, then in hindsight there also seems to be a solution: I just should have acted differently.
But an explanation that gives psychological footing does not automatically have to be the most accurate explanation.

An Example from Everyday Life

After a relationship ends, someone thinks: ‘If I had been more patient, we would still be together.’
Maybe that person really did make mistakes. Those can be acknowledged.
But a relationship consists of two people.

‘I could have done some things
differently’

        ≠

‘The end of
the relationship was entirely
my fault’

The first can be healthy self-reflection. The second can become self-blame.

Cause Is Not the Same as Responsibility

This distinction is important.
Suppose someone in a relationship says: ‘I don’t want to be shouted at anymore.’
The other replies: ‘Then I never want to see you again.’
Without that boundary, the contact might have continued. So the boundary may have been a trigger for what happened next.
But that does not automatically mean the person who set the boundary is responsible for the other person’s decision to end contact.

TRIGGER
What set something
in motion?

CAUSE
Which factors
played a role?

RESPONSIBILITY
Who made which
choice?

Those three questions can have different answers.

How Can This Be Recognizable for (Former) Jehovah’s Witnesses?

For some former Jehovah’s Witnesses, self-blame can arise when a change in belief has major consequences for family and friendships.
Thoughts may be: ‘I’m the one who left.’ ‘My mother is hurting because of me.’ ‘If I go back, maybe everything can be like it used to be.’
That can eventually lead to:
‘So I caused this.’
But different responsibilities can exist at the same time.

MY PART

What do I believe?
What do I say?
What choices do I make?
What boundaries do I set?


THEIR PART

How do they respond?
What choices do they make?
What contact do they want?
How do they deal with
my decision?

You can be responsible for your own choice to say: ‘I no longer believe this.’ Someone else remains responsible for the way he or she responds to that.
That does not mean grief or loss are any less real. It does mean that someone else’s grief does not automatically prove that you did something wrong.

‘But if I hadn’t left…’

That thought may be partly factually true.
Maybe certain contact would still exist if you had made different choices.
But:

‘If I had chosen
differently,
the outcome
might have been different’

        ≠

‘So I am
responsible for everything
that happened after that’

In many situations, multiple conditions and choices exist at the same time. Being one link in a chain does not automatically mean the whole chain is your responsibility.

Why do conversations keep repeating in your head?

Self-blame can go along with rumination: replaying conversations, choices, and events over and over.
I shouldn’t have said that.
I should have waited longer.
I should have explained it differently.
Maybe then I wouldn’t have lost anyone.
Looking back can be useful when it leads to new insight. But when the same thoughts keep coming back without new information, thinking can mainly keep guilt going.

SELF-REFLECTION

What was my part?
      ↓
What do I learn from this?
      ↓
What do I want to do differently?
      ↓
Move forward


RUMINATION

What should I have
done differently?
      ↓
What if I had...
      ↓
What if I...
      ↓
The same guilt
all over again

What can you do with this?

When you notice you are blaming yourself, divide the situation into three parts:

1. MY PART
What did I myself
choose or do?


2. THEIR PART
What did others
choose or do?


3. BEYOND ANYONE’S
FULL CONTROL
What circumstances
also played a role?

Then ask: What do I actually want to take responsibility for?
Maybe the answer is: ‘I wish I had said that differently.’ Or: ‘I wish I had apologized for that.’
That is okay.
But then also ask:
‘What responsibility does not belong to me?’
The goal is not to clear yourself of all blame. The goal is to divide responsibility as accurately as possible.

A good test: what would you say to someone else?

Self-blame often goes hand in hand with a stricter standard for yourself than for others.
So ask:

If a friend
had gone through
exactly the same thing...

would I hold him
responsible for
everything too?

If the answer is no, it may be useful to explore why you use a different standard for yourself.

Questions to reflect on

- What exactly am I blaming myself for?

- What specific action of mine do I truly think was wrong?

- Do I feel guilty because I did something wrong, or mainly because someone else is hurting?

- Which reactions from others were actually within my control?

- What could I genuinely have done differently?

- What responsibility do I carry that may not be fully mine?

- Would I judge someone else in the same situation just as harshly?

Summary

Self-blame goes beyond recognizing that you made mistakes. It arises when you pull responsibility toward yourself for events and consequences in which other people, their choices, and circumstances also played a role.

Not:

‘Is everything
my fault?’

But:

‘What is really
my part?

What is the other
person’s part?

And what was beyond
our control?’

For some former Jehovah’s Witnesses, this can become especially complicated when a change in faith goes hand in hand with the loss of family or friends. The thought ‘If I had chosen differently, I might still have had them’ can be understandable.
But a different outcome from a different choice does not automatically mean that you are responsible for every choice others made afterward.
Healthy responsibility means:

Acknowledging
what is mine
      ↓
Repairing
where possible
      ↓
Learning
where needed
      ↓
Returning
what is not mine

Sources and further reading

Ronnie Janoff-Bulman – Characterological versus Behavioral Self-Blame: Inquiries into Depression and Rape, 1979. Classic research on the distinction between self-blame focused on specific behavior and self-blame directed at the self or one’s character.
June Price Tangney, Jeff Stuewig & Debra J. Mashek – Moral Emotions and Moral Behavior, 2007. On guilt, shame, and their different relationships to behavior, responsibility, and self-image.
Edward B. Kubany et al. – Development and Validation of the Trauma-Related Guilt Inventory, 1996. Research on guilt after traumatic events and thoughts about personal responsibility and the idea that one should have acted differently.
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Blair E. Wisco & Sonja Lyubomirsky – Rethinking Rumination, 2008. On repetitive thinking, self-focused negative thoughts, and the relationship with emotional well-being.
Kristin Neff – Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself, 2003. On being able to take responsibility without harshly condemning the whole self.