V - Victim blaming and self-blame

When you are made responsible — or make yourself responsible — for what happens to you RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Have you ever thought: • Did I cause this myself? • Am I responsible for the fact that others no longer want contact with me? • If I was the one who changed, is everything that happened after that also my fault? • Why do I feel guilty when I have only been honest about what I believe? • Why do I keep thinking: if I had behaved differently, this wouldn’t have happened? • Can I take responsibility for my own choices without also taking on the choices of others? • Why is it sometimes easier to blame myself than to accept that I have no control over another person’s reaction? This may have to do with victim blaming and self-blame . WHAT IS VICTIM BLAMING? Victim blaming means that someone who has experienced something painful or harmful is made wholly or partly responsible for what was done to them. A simple example: Someone is being bullied. Instead of looking only at the behavior of the person doing the bullying, people say: "You shouldn’t have acted so differently." The focus then shifts from: Why did the other person do this? to: What did you do that caused this? That does not mean people are never responsible for their own behavior. The important distinction is that responsibility for your own choices does not automatically mean responsibility for the reaction another person then chooses. WHAT IS SELF-BLAME? Self-blame arises when you take that responsibility onto yourself. For example, you think: "If I had kept my mouth shut, my family would still be with me." "If I hadn’t started doubting, none of this would have happened." "I tore the family apart." That can feel very convincing. There is sometimes even a core of truth in it: if you had made a different choice, the situation might have turned out differently. But that still does not mean you are responsible for all the choices other people then made . That distinction matters. WHY DOES OUR BRAIN DO THIS? People like cause and effect. When something terrible happens, we want to understand why. A well-known psychological phenomenon plays a role here: the just-world hypothesis , or the belief in a just world. We like to believe that good things happen to good people and that we can protect ourselves from bad events by making the right choices. That creates a sense of control. But reality is more complicated. Bad things can happen to good people. People can be rejected without deserving it. And we do not always have control over how others respond to our choices. Paradoxically, self-blame can even give a sense of control: "If it was my fault, then I could have prevented it too." The thought: "I couldn’t determine the other person’s reaction" can sometimes be harder to bear. AN EXAMPLE FROM EVERYDAY LIFE Suppose someone decides to end a relationship because he has been unhappy in it for years. His partner says: "You destroyed our family." The decision to end the relationship is indeed his. But what happens after that consists of dozens of separate choices by different people. Who stays in contact? Who gets angry? Who cuts off contact? Who tries to keep talking to each other? Who takes sides? You can be responsible for your decision without being responsible for everyone’s reaction to your decision . HOW CAN THIS BE RECOGNIZABLE AMONG (EX-)JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES? For some Jehovah's Witnesses and former Jehovah's Witnesses, this question can become especially complicated when faith and family are strongly intertwined. For example, someone may come to the conclusion: "I no longer believe certain things." Family members may respond to that from their own religious conviction by distancing themselves or limiting contact. The person who leaves may then think: "But I was the one who left. So I chose to lose my family." Here it helps to separate different decisions. MY DECISION "I can no longer say I believe something I no longer believe." ↓ OTHER PERSON'S REACTION "Because of my conviction, I choose to limit or end contact." ↓ CONSEQUENCE Loss of contact These events are connected to each other. But they are not the same decisions . THAT ALSO DOES NOT MEAN THE OTHER PERSON IS BAD This distinction is important. A Jehovah's Witness who keeps their distance from a former fellow believer may sincerely believe that they are doing the right thing. At the same time, they may feel a great deal of grief over the loss of the relationship. Psychologically, we therefore do not need to determine who is a "good" or "bad" person. What we can examine is: Who made which decision and who bears responsibility for it? That is much more precise than placing all the blame on one person. WHEN IS IT NOT VICTIM BLAMING? Not every question about a person's own role is victim blaming. Sometimes it is healthy to examine: "What could I have done differently?" "Did I hurt someone?" "Did I cross boundaries myself?" "What do I want to take responsibility for?" The difference lies in the conclusion. Healthy self-reflection says: "I am examining my own role." Self-blame can change into: "Everything that happened is my fault." That last statement does not have to be true at all. BREAKING DOWN RESPONSIBILITY A simple framework can help: WHAT IS MINE? My words My behavior My choices My boundaries My mistakes WHAT IS THE OTHER PERSON'S? His/her words His/her behavior His/her boundaries His/her beliefs His/her choice to have contact or not You can take responsibility for the first without automatically being responsible for the second. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH IT? When you notice that you are thinking: "This is all my fault," try not to immediately tell yourself that it is not your fault. Examine it. If possible, take a piece of paper and make two columns: What was I responsible for? and What did others decide for themselves? Be honest in both directions. You may discover things for which you want to take responsibility. That is healthy. But you may also discover that you have carried responsibility for years for decisions someone else made. You do not automatically have to keep carrying that. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT • What do I feel guilty about? • What did I actually do myself? • Which decision did I make and which decision did the other person make? • Did I really have control over the other person's reaction? • Am I making myself responsible for the sadness of everyone around me? • Would I blame someone else in exactly the same situation as much as I blame myself? • Which responsibility is truly mine? • Which responsibility belongs to the other person? • Can I acknowledge that my choice had consequences without concluding that all consequences are my fault? SUMMARY Victim blaming and self-blame are about responsibility. It is healthy to take responsibility for your own words, behavior, and choices. But responsibility has limits. When you make a choice, other people may react to it. Their reaction may be partly caused by your choice, but it still remains their choice . For people leaving a close-knit religious community, that distinction can be important. You do not have to automatically absolve yourself. But you do not have to automatically declare yourself guilty either. The better question is: What am I truly responsible for — and what responsibility might I be carrying that is actually not mine? Scientific background For this topic, research on victim blaming , self-blame , and the just-world hypothesis is especially relevant. Psychologist Melvin Lerner described how the human need to see the world as predictable and fair can contribute to our sometimes looking for what a victim may have done "wrong" themselves.