Fill-in letter. My situation at a glance

For Jehovah’s Witnesses and former Jehovah’s Witnesses dealing with doubt, inactivity, leaving, disfellowshipped, loss of relationships, or other major changes around their faith. Changing or leaving a religious belief can for some people mean much more than simply thinking differently about religion. When family members, friends, or other acquaintances also limit or cut off contact, several losses can occur at the same time. With this fill-in letter, you can make visible what has changed in your situation, what you have lost, how you are doing, and what kind of help you need . You can fill in the questions at home, print them out, and give them to your general practitioner, POH-GGZ, psychologist, or other care provider. This is not a diagnostic test. The questions are intended as a tool to better understand and discuss your situation. FOR THE CARE PROVIDER Your client is or was a Jehovah’s Witness and may be dealing with doubt, a change in religious belief, leaving the faith community, social exclusion, or strongly reduced contact with family members, friends and/or the faith community. To properly understand the psychological burden , it can be important not only to look at individual broken relationships. For someone who has lived for years within one close-knit religious and social community, multiple foundations of life can change or fall away at the same time: family, friends, a large part of the social network, daily or weekly contact, religious and social identity, familiar roles and routines, expectations for the future, meaning, a sense of belonging, and people who witnessed someone’s life for decades. JG-specific qualitative research describes after leaving and ostracism, among other things, loneliness, loss of connectedness, threat to social identity, reduced psychological well-being, loss of control, feelings of worthlessness, and distrust. It is therefore relevant, when there are psychological complaints, not only to ask which belief someone has lost , but also which people, social structure, identity, certainty, and life history have fallen away. WHAT IS OSTRACISM? Ostracism means that someone is ignored or excluded by others. In the psychological Need-Threat Model by Kipling D. Williams, it is described that ostracism can threaten four fundamental human needs: connectedness, self-esteem, control, and a meaningful existence. Connectedness: Do I still belong anywhere? Self-esteem: Am I still important to others? Control: Can I do anything to change this situation? A meaningful existence: Am I still seen? Do I still matter? With prolonged ostracism, the model describes a phase in which coping resources can become depleted. Williams links chronic exclusion, among other things, to feelings of helplessness, alienation, depression, and worthlessness. When exclusion comes from parents, children, brothers, sisters, and friends with whom someone was strongly connected for years, it may therefore be about much more than the loss of social contact. Connectedness, self-esteem, control, and the feeling of mattering can also come under pressure. MOURNING PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL ALIVE A special aspect of this situation is that someone may grieve people who are still alive. A father, mother, brother, sister, child, or good friend still exists, but may no longer be accessible, or hardly at all. This can also mean losing people who witnessed important parts of someone’s life history. People with whom you could say: ‘Remember when...?’ and who immediately knew what you were talking about. New relationships can become very valuable, but someone you meet today was not present during your childhood or earlier life stages. When many long-term relationships fall away at the same time, it can therefore feel as if not only people disappear, but also part of the shared life story. This loss has been specifically described in research among former Jehovah’s Witnesses. Ransom, Monk and Heim studied the experiences of former JG’s around leaving, ostracism, and social identity. For their publication they chose the telling title Grieving the Living: The Social Death of Former Jehovah’s Witnesses — mourning the living: the social death of former Jehovah’s Witnesses. The participants described major consequences for, among other things, relationships, identity, connectedness, and psychological well-being. In another study of former Jehovah’s Witnesses, Luther likewise describes serious social and psychological consequences of shunning , including loneliness, loss of control, feelings of worthlessness, and distrust. For a counselor, it may therefore be important not to approach this loss solely as the ending of a religious belief. For some clients, it is at the same time about the loss of family, friendships, community, identity, safety, future outlook, and a large part of their familiar social world. THE DILEMMA OF RETURNING For some people, this creates a complicated dilemma: ‘If I return to the faith, I get my family and friends back.’ Two feelings can exist at the same time: ‘I no longer believe this and want to stay true to myself.’ ‘I miss my family and friends terribly.’ Those feelings do not have to contradict each other. Someone can stand behind the choice not to live according to a certain religious belief anymore and at the same time suffer deeply from the loss of people who are important to him or her. That is why it can be important not only to ask: ‘Why can’t you let it go?’ but especially: ‘What exactly have you lost?’ And when someone is considering returning: ‘Do you want to return because you believe again, because you long for the people you miss, or do both play a role?’ MY SITUATION Name (optional): __________________________________________ Date: __________________ My current situation ☐ I am disfellowshipped ☐ I left on my own ☐ I am inactive ☐ I am still a Jehovah’s Witness, but I have doubts ☐ I am in the process of leaving ☐ Other: ___________________________________________________________________ How many years was or have I been a Jehovah’s Witness? ______________________________ Was I raised as a Jehovah’s Witness? ☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ Partly WHO HAVE I LOST? ☐ father ☐ mother ☐ child/children ☐ brother(s) ☐ sister(s) ☐ grandparents ☐ other family members ☐ best friend ☐ multiple friends ☐ almost my entire group of friends ☐ people from my congregation ☐ a large part of my social network ☐ other: ____________________________ With how many people did you regularly have contact before this change? About: _____ people With how many of these people do you still regularly have contact now? About: _____ people Who do you miss most at the moment? Why this person or these people in particular? WHAT ELSE HAVE I LOST? ☐ sense of belonging ☐ certainty of faith ☐ future outlook ☐ social identity ☐ daily structure ☐ religious community ☐ familiar habits ☐ people who know my childhood ☐ people with whom I can reminisce ☐ sense of safety ☐ trust in myself ☐ meaning and purpose ☐ other: _________________________________ What feels like the biggest loss to me? HOW AM I DOING NOW? Give each item a score from 0 to 10. 0 = not present at all | 10 = very strongly present. Loneliness: ___ /10 Sadness: ___ /10 Fear: ___ /10 Guilt: ___ /10 Shame: ___ /10 Anger: ___ /10 Hopelessness: ___ /10 Feeling that I no longer belong anywhere: ___ /10 Difficulty finding myself again: ___ /10 Longing for my family/friends: ___ /10 Longing to return to the faith community: ___ /10 Which feelings or symptoms are missing above? RETURNING — WHAT AM I REALLY LONGING FOR? Do I ever think about returning? ☐ Never ☐ Sometimes ☐ Regularly ☐ Often ☐ Almost constantly If everyone were to contact me again tomorrow without me having to return to the faith, would I still want to return? ☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ I don't know When I think about going back, I long mostly for: ☐ the faith ☐ Jehovah ☐ certainty ☐ my family ☐ my children ☐ my friends ☐ the community ☐ the feeling of belonging ☐ my old life ☐ relief from my loneliness ☐ other: __________________________________ What would I have to give up or change in order to go back? How does that thought feel to me? MY SAFETY This section is important to fill in honestly. Have I thought in recent weeks: ‘For me, life doesn’t need to go on’? ☐ No ☐ Once or twice ☐ Regularly ☐ Often Have I had thoughts of suicide? ☐ No ☐ Yes, but without concrete plans ☐ Yes, and I have thought about how ☐ Yes, and I have made concrete plans Have I hurt myself or thought about self-harm? ☐ No ☐ Yes Do I currently feel safe with myself? ☐ Yes ☐ I’m not sure ☐ No Who can I call or visit when I am not doing well? Name(s): ______________________________ Phone number(s): __________________ This section is not a risk test. The answers are meant to make important feelings visible and discussable. Do you currently not feel safe with yourself, or do you think you might harm yourself? Then do not wait for your next appointment. Contact your GP or out-of-hours GP service immediately. Call 112 in case of immediate danger to life. WHAT I WANT MY CARE PROVIDER TO KNOW What should you know about my background in order to better understand me? What does the loss of my family and/or social network do to me? What do I need the most help with right now? What do I find difficult to say out loud, but is important for you to know? TO THE CARE PROVIDER This questionnaire is not intended to link the client’s complaints to a diagnosis in advance. However, it may be relevant during the anamnesis to pay explicit attention to social loss, grief, loneliness, guilt and shame, identity change, loss of meaning and autonomy, anxiety, depressive symptoms, and suicidality. It may be important to distinguish between loss of faith and loss of people . A client may support his or her changed beliefs and at the same time suffer severely from the social consequences. Conversely, someone may have doubts about leaving, want to re-examine his or her faith, or actually want to return. This questionnaire is not intended to promote any of these outcomes. Two questions can be particularly clarifying in this regard: ‘If you were not to lose your family and friends, how would you feel about your choice to leave the faith?’ ‘Do you long for the faith, for the people, or for both?’ The answers can help better understand where the pain, doubt, and need for help lie at this moment. SOURCES 1. Williams, K. D. (2009). Ostracism: A Temporal Need-Threat Model. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 41, 275–314. DOI: 10.1016/S0065-2601(08)00406-1. 2. Ransom, H. J., Monk, R. L., & Heim, D. (2022). Grieving the Living: The Social Death of Former Jehovah’s Witnesses. Journal of Religion and Health, 61, 2458–2480. DOI: 10.1007/s10943-020-01156-8. 3. Luther, R. (2023). What Happens to Those Who Exit Jehovah’s Witnesses: An Investigation of the Impact of Shunning. Pastoral Psychology, 72(1), 105–120. DOI: 10.1007/s11089-022-01051-x. Methodological note Scientific research specifically examining the experiences of former Jehovah’s Witnesses is still limited. The JG-specific studies by Ransom et al. and Luther cited above are qualitative studies with six and ten participants respectively. The experiences described therefore cannot be interpreted as percentages or as universally applicable to all former Jehovah’s Witnesses. The studies are nevertheless relevant for recognizing and understanding the nature and possible severity of experiences that former JG’s may report after ostracism and loss of their social environment. Individual assessment remains necessary.