Recognizable questions
- Do you recognize that a change in faith can at the same time feel like losing people, habits, and a large part of the life you were used to?
- Have you ever noticed that you still miss someone, even though that person is still alive, but contact has almost disappeared?
- Does it sometimes feel complicated to stay true to yourself while also longing for family, friends, or your old community?
- Do you recognize that shunning or distance from others can affect your sense of belonging, self-worth, or safety?
- Have you ever wondered whether your longing to return is mainly about your faith, about the people you miss, or about both?
For Jehovah’s Witnesses and former Jehovah’s Witnesses dealing with doubt, inactivity, leaving, shunning, loss of relationships, or other major changes surrounding their faith.
Changing or leaving a religious belief can mean much more to some people than simply thinking differently about religion. When family members, friends, or other acquaintances also restrict or break off contact, several losses can arise at the same time.
With this fill-in letter you can make visible what has changed in your situation, what you have lost, how you are doing, and where you need help.
You can fill out the questions at home, print them, and give them to your GP, practice mental health nurse, psychologist, or other care provider.
This is not a diagnostic test. The questions are meant as a tool to better understand and discuss your situation.
FOR THE CARE PROVIDER
Your client is or was a Jehovah’s Witness and may be dealing with doubt, a change in religious beliefs, leaving the religious community, social exclusion, or greatly reduced contact with family members, friends and/or the faith community.
To properly understand the psychological burden, it may be important to look beyond individual broken relationships. For someone who has lived for years within one close-knit religious and social community, multiple foundations of life can change or fall away at the same time:
family, friends, a large part of the social network, daily or weekly contact, religious and social identity, familiar roles and routines, future expectations, meaning and purpose, the sense of belonging, and people who witnessed someone’s life for decades.
JW-specific qualitative research describes after leaving and ostracism, among other things, loneliness, loss of connectedness, threat to social identity, reduced psychological well-being, loss of control, feelings of worthlessness, and mistrust.
It is therefore relevant in psychological complaints not only to ask which belief someone has lost, but also which people, social structure, identity, certainty, and life history have fallen away.
WHAT IS OSTRACISM?
Ostracism means being ignored or excluded by others. In Kipling D. Williams’ psychological Need-Threat Model, ostracism is described as potentially threatening four fundamental human needs: belonging, self-esteem, control, and a meaningful existence.
Belonging: Do I still belong anywhere?
Self-esteem: Am I still important to others?
Control: Can I do anything to change this situation?
A meaningful existence: Am I still seen? Do I still matter?
With prolonged ostracism, the model describes a phase in which coping resources can become depleted. Williams links chronic exclusion, among other things, to feelings of helplessness, alienation, depression, and worthlessness.
When exclusion comes from parents, children, brothers, sisters, and friends with whom someone was closely connected for years, it may therefore be about much more than the loss of social contact. Belonging, self-worth, control, and the sense of mattering can also come under pressure.
MOURNING PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL ALIVE
An especially difficult aspect of this situation is that someone can grieve people who are still alive. A father, mother, brother, sister, child, or close friend is still alive, but may no longer be accessible, or only barely so.
This can also involve losing people who witnessed important parts of someone’s life story. People with whom you could say: “Remember when...?” and who immediately knew what you were talking about.
New relationships can become very valuable, but someone you meet today was not there during your childhood or earlier stages of life. When many long-term relationships disappear at the same time, it can therefore feel as though not only people are disappearing, but also part of the shared life story.
This loss has been specifically described in research among former Jehovah’s Witnesses. Ransom, Monk, and Heim examined the experiences of former JWs around leaving, ostracism, and social identity. For their publication, they chose the telling title Grieving the Living: The Social Death of Former Jehovah’s Witnesses — mourning the living: the social death of former Jehovah’s Witnesses. The participants described profound consequences for, among other things, relationships, identity, belonging, and psychological well-being.
In another study of former Jehovah’s Witnesses, Luther likewise describes serious social and psychological consequences of shunning, including loneliness, loss of control, feelings of worthlessness, and distrust.
For a helper or counselor, it can therefore be important not to approach this loss as merely the ending of a religious belief. For some clients, it is at the same time the loss of family, friendships, community, identity, safety, a sense of the future, and a large part of their familiar social world.
THE DILEMMA OF RETURNING
For some people, this creates a complicated dilemma:
‘If I return to the faith, I’ll get my family and friends back.’
Two feelings can exist at the same time:
‘I no longer believe this and want to stay true to myself.’
‘I miss my family and friends terribly.’
These feelings do not have to contradict each other. A person can stand behind the decision no longer to live according to a certain belief and at the same time deeply suffer from the loss of people who are important to him or her.
That is why it can be important not only to ask:
‘Why can’t you just let it go?’
but especially:
‘What exactly have you lost?’
And when someone is considering going back:
‘Do you want to go back because you believe again, because you long for the people you miss, or is it both?’
MY SITUATION
Name (optional): __________________________________________ Date: __________________
My current situation
☐ I am disfellowshipped ☐ I left on my own ☐ I am inactive
☐ I am still one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but I have doubts ☐ I am in the process of leaving
☐ Other: ___________________________________________________________________
How many years was I, or have I been, one of Jehovah’s Witnesses? ______________________________
Was I raised as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses? ☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ Partly
WHO HAVE I LOST?
☐ father ☐ mother ☐ child/children ☐ brother(s) ☐ sister(s) ☐ grandparents
☐ other family members ☐ best friend ☐ multiple friends
☐ almost my entire circle of friends ☐ people from my congregation
☐ a large part of my social network ☐ other: ____________________________
How many people did you have regular contact with before this change? Approximately: _____ people
How many of these people do you still have regular contact with now? Approximately: _____ people
Who do you miss most at the moment?
Why this person or these people in particular?
WHAT ELSE HAVE I LOST?
☐ sense of belonging ☐ certainty in faith ☐ sense of the future
☐ social identity ☐ daily structure ☐ religious community
☐ familiar habits ☐ people who know my childhood
☐ people I can reminisce with ☐ sense of safety
☐ trust in myself ☐ meaning and purpose ☐ other: _________________________________
What feels like the biggest loss to me?
HOW AM I DOING NOW?
Rate each item from 0 to 10. 0 = not present at all | 10 = very strongly present.
Loneliness: ___ /10 Sadness: ___ /10 Anxiety: ___ /10 Guilt: ___ /10
Shame: ___ /10 Anger: ___ /10 Hopelessness: ___ /10
Feeling like I no longer belong anywhere: ___ /10 Difficulty finding myself again: ___ /10
Longing for my family/friends: ___ /10
Longing to return to the faith community: ___ /10
Which feelings or symptoms are missing above?
RETURNING — WHAT AM I REALLY LONGING FOR?
Do I ever think about going back? ☐ Never ☐ Sometimes ☐ Regularly ☐ Often ☐ Almost constantly
If everyone were to contact me again tomorrow without me having to return to the faith, would I still want to go back? ☐ Yes ☐ No ☐ I don’t know
When I think about going back, what I mainly long for is:
☐ the faith ☐ Jehovah ☐ certainty ☐ my family ☐ my children ☐ my friends
☐ the community ☐ the sense of belonging ☐ my old life
☐ relief from my loneliness ☐ other: __________________________________
What would I have to give up or change in order to go back?
How does that thought make me feel?
MY SAFETY
This section is important to fill out honestly.
Have I thought over the past few weeks, ‘Life isn’t worth living for me anymore’?
☐ No ☐ Once or twice ☐ Regularly ☐ Often
Have I had thoughts of suicide?
☐ No ☐ Yes, but without concrete plans ☐ Yes, and I have thought about how
☐ Yes, and I have made concrete plans
Have I harmed myself or thought about self-harm? ☐ No ☐ Yes
Do I currently feel safe with myself? ☐ Yes ☐ I’m not sure ☐ No
Who can I call or visit when I’m not doing well?
Name(s): ______________________________ Phone number(s): __________________
This section is not a risk assessment. The answers are intended to make important feelings visible and discussable.
If you do not feel safe with yourself right now, or think you might hurt yourself, do not wait for your next appointment. Contact your GP or out-of-hours GP service immediately. Call 112 if there is immediate danger to life.
WHAT I WANT MY CARE PROVIDER TO KNOW
What should you know about my background in order to understand me better?
What does the loss of my family and/or social network do to me?
Where do I need the most help right now?
What do I find difficult to say out loud, but is important for you to know?
TO THE CARE PROVIDER
This questionnaire is not intended to attach a diagnosis to the client’s symptoms in advance. However, it may be relevant during the intake to pay explicit attention to social loss, grief, loneliness, guilt and shame, identity change, loss of meaning and autonomy, anxiety, depressive symptoms, and suicidality.
It may be important to distinguish between loss of faith and loss of people. A client may stand by his or her changed beliefs and at the same time suffer greatly from the social consequences.
Conversely, someone may be uncertain about leaving, want to re-examine his or her faith, or actually want to return. This questionnaire is not intended to promote any of these outcomes.
Two questions can be especially clarifying in this regard:
‘If you would not lose your family and friends, how would you feel about your decision to leave the faith?’
‘Do you long to return to the faith, to the people, or to both?’
The answers can help better understand where the pain, doubt, and need for help lie at this time.
SOURCES
1. Williams, K. D. (2009). Ostracism: A Temporal Need-Threat Model. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 41, 275–314. DOI: 10.1016/S0065-2601(08)00406-1.
2. Ransom, H. J., Monk, R. L., & Heim, D. (2022). Grieving the Living: The Social Death of Former Jehovah’s Witnesses. Journal of Religion and Health, 61, 2458–2480. DOI: 10.1007/s10943-020-01156-8.
3. Luther, R. (2023). What Happens to Those Who Exit Jehovah’s Witnesses: An Investigation of the Impact of Shunning. Pastoral Psychology, 72(1), 105–120. DOI: 10.1007/s11089-022-01051-x.
Methodological note
Scientific research specifically examining the experiences of former Jehovah’s Witnesses is still limited. The JW-specific studies by Ransom et al. and Luther cited above are qualitative studies with six and ten participants respectively. The experiences described therefore cannot be interpreted as percentages or as universally applicable to all former Jehovah’s Witnesses. The studies are, however, relevant for recognizing and understanding the nature and possible severity of experiences that former JWs may report after ostracism and loss of their social environment. Individual assessment remains necessary.
