If you’re having doubts: who can you safely talk to?

Recognizable questions Is it safe to talk to an elder about my doubts? What happens if I ask questions about the Governing Body? How do I tell my partner I’m doubting without immediately causing panic? When is it wise to talk to a GP or psychologist? Is someone outside the congregation automatically independent? How do I know whether someone is helping me think things through or is steering me in a certain direction? Do I need to know right now whether I want to stay or leave? Doubting can be scary. Especially when you’ve spent years believing that you find spiritual safety within Jehovah’s organization. Maybe you have questions about a teaching. Maybe you don’t understand a change in the ‘new light.’ Maybe you struggle with the Governing Body, disfellowshipping, or another rule. Or maybe you don’t even know exactly why you’re doubting. You just feel that certain questions keep coming back. Then another question arises: Who can I talk to about this? That matters, because not every conversation partner has the same role. An elder, partner, friend, GP, and psychologist all listen from a different background and with different responsibilities. Doubt is not yet a decision You do not have to know today whether you want to remain one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. You also do not have to know whether you want to leave. Asking a question is not the same as making a decision. Doubt can simply mean that you are trying to understand how your beliefs relate to new information, experiences, or feelings. You are allowed to take time for that. Talking to an elder For many Jehovah’s Witnesses, an elder is an obvious person to talk to. Elders have a spiritual and shepherding role within the congregation. An elder may know you, understand your faith, and genuinely care about you. But it is good to be aware of his role. An elder is not an independent counselor. He is himself one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and serves in a role within the religious organization you may have questions about. According to JW.org, the Governing Body is the ‘faithful and discreet slave’ who, according to Jehovah’s Witnesses’ explanation, was appointed by Jesus. Through that arrangement, spiritual direction is provided, among other things through publications, videos, meetings, circuit assemblies, and conventions. That does not mean an elder cannot listen well. It does mean that he looks at questions of faith from the same belief system you may be examining . That is why it can help to ask yourself in advance: Am I looking for spiritual guidance within my faith, or am I looking for someone with whom I can freely explore different possible answers? Both needs are understandable, but they are not the same. Can you ask questions about the Governing Body? This can be a particularly difficult step. If you believe Jehovah gives direction through the Governing Body, criticism of a decision or teaching can quickly feel like you are not just questioning men, but Jehovah himself. The official explanation of Jehovah’s Witnesses makes a strong connection between Jesus’ direction and the ‘faithful and discreet slave,’ which is identified with the Governing Body. That is why an important personal question may be: Can I distinguish between my faith in Jehovah and my trust in human religious direction? You do not have to answer that question immediately. Talking to your partner Your partner may be the person you normally tell everything to. But doubts about faith can be especially sensitive within a relationship. When your partner is a fully convinced Jehovah’s Witness, he or she may hear something different from what you are trying to say. You may say: ‘I have a few questions.’ Your partner may feel: ‘My partner is going to leave Jehovah.’ There may be fear, sadness, and uncertainty behind that. So you do not have to put all your thoughts on the table in one conversation. You can also start by sharing what you feel and indicate that you have not made a decision yet. For example: ‘I’m trying to figure some things out for myself right now. I’m not asking you to think the same way I do. I’d just like you to listen to me.’ Talking to someone outside the congregation Sometimes it is easier to first talk to someone who is not personally dependent on the outcome of your questions of faith. That could be a friend, family member, or someone with similar experience. But being independent does not automatically mean someone is a good conversation partner. Someone who immediately says: ‘You need to get out of there as soon as possible.’ ultimately also gives you very little room to reach your own conclusion. Maybe at this moment you do not need someone who tells you what to believe . Maybe you need someone who can listen calmly while you discover what you believe . Talking to your GP Sometimes questions of faith don’t stay just in your head. Maybe you’re sleeping badly, constantly on edge, afraid of losing family, or finding it hard to concentrate. Maybe anxiety, low mood, or panic are affecting your daily life. Then you can also go to your GP. You don’t have to know first whether what you’re experiencing is called “religious trauma.” You can simply say, for example: “I’m doubting my faith and I’m afraid I’ll lose my family, friends, and social network if I make different choices.” That already tells a GP a lot about the situation you’re in. Talking to a psychologist or therapist A professional counselor has a different role from an elder. The starting point of good independent support should not be: you must remain one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. But neither should it be: you must leave Jehovah’s Witnesses. You should be given space to explore your thoughts, emotions, identity, relationships, and choices. For someone who is or has been one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, it can be reassuring when a counselor understands what terms like disfellowshipping, shunning, Armageddon fear, guilt, loyalty conflicts, and loss of community can mean. That’s why at ExJW.World we are building information about professional support and helpers who have experience with or an affinity for religious trauma, faith-related issues, and closed or tightly knit faith communities. What do you need right now? Maybe in the end this is more important than the question who should I talk to? First ask yourself: What am I looking for in this conversation? Do you want spiritual support because you want to remain one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and strengthen your faith? Then an elder may be a suitable person for you to talk to. Do you want to be able to explore: What do I actually believe myself? What if a particular teaching is not true? What if the Governing Body can make mistakes? What if I want to keep believing in Jehovah, but think differently about the organization? What would I choose if I didn’t have to be afraid of the consequences? Then it may help to talk, in addition, to someone who is not tied to the outcome of your faith choices . And of course you may also talk to different people. Five questions before you confide in someone Do I feel safe enough to be honest about what I think? Do I know what might happen to personal information from this conversation? Does this person, because of their role or beliefs, prefer a particular outcome? Am I really allowed to explore different conclusions with this person? After the conversation, do I feel more room to think for myself, or more fear of asking certain questions? The answer can be different for each person you talk to. You don’t have to decide anything today Doubt does not automatically mean you’re leaving Jehovah. Talking does not mean you have to leave. Looking into information does not mean you have to believe everything you read. You are allowed to ask questions. You are allowed to speak to different people. You are allowed to compare sources. You are allowed to come back to something later. And you may ultimately also conclude that you want to remain one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. A choice that is allowed to be examined can ultimately become a more conscious choice. Read more on ExJW.World I’m doubting my faith. What now? - about doubt, fear, cognitive dissonance, and calmly exploring. Investigating is not the same as leaving your faith - about looking at information without having to make a decision immediately. Do you feel guilty because you’re looking at this website? - about guilt when viewing information outside JW.org. Free will or learned choice? - about how many of our beliefs are consciously chosen and how many were shaped from an early age. Cognitive dissonance - A-Z Psychology - about tension when new information clashes with existing beliefs. Professional support - for anyone who wants to talk to an independent counselor.