Recognizable questions
- Why do I find mistakes so hard to accept, even when others hardly think they matter?
- Why can something only feel right when it is almost perfect?
- Why do I sometimes put off tasks because I’m afraid I won’t do them well enough?
- Why does my attention keep getting stuck on what could have been better, even when something went well?
- When are high standards motivating, and when do they become burdensome?
- Does my self-esteem sometimes depend too much on what I achieve or how others judge me?
- Can I learn to settle for ‘good enough’ without becoming indifferent or careless?
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism means more than being careful, aiming to deliver high quality, or being ambitious. In psychological research, perfectionism is usually seen as a multidimensional phenomenon.
For example, there can be a difference between:
HIGH PERSONAL STANDARDS
‘I want to do this really well’
and
PERFECTIONISTIC CONCERNS
‘A mistake means
I have failed’
‘Others will
reject me’
‘It is never
good enough’High standards do not have to be unhealthy. It is especially the combination of extremely high demands, strong self-criticism, fear of mistakes, and ongoing doubt about performance that can become burdensome.
When is perfectionism a problem?
Perfectionism becomes problematic especially when mistakes no longer say something only about what you did, but about who you are.
ERROR
healthy response:
‘This didn’t go well’
perfectionistic response:
‘So I’m
not good enough’Then a small mistake can feel much bigger than the actual situation warrants.
High standards are not the same as perfectionism
Someone can be very ambitious and precise without being greatly troubled by mistakes.
For example:
‘I want to get a high grade, but if it’s a seven, I’ll learn from it and move on.’
Another person may have the same high standard, but think:
‘Anything below a nine proves that I failed.’
HIGH STANDARDS
+
FLEXIBILITY
=
can motivate
HIGH STANDARDS
+
STRONG SELF-CRITICISM
+
FEAR OF MISTAKES
=
can become burdensomeThat is why it is not only the level of the standard that matters, but especially what happens when you do not meet it.
Why do mistakes sometimes feel so threatening?
A mistake can take on different meanings.
For one person, a mistake means:
‘I learned something.’
For another:
‘Now people can see that I’m not good enough.’
When performance becomes strongly tied to self-worth, acceptance, or safety, a mistake carries more emotional weight.
MISTAKE
↓
‘What does this
say about me?’
↓
self-criticism
anxiety
shame
↓
more control
or avoidanceThe mistake itself is then only part of the problem. The meaning assigned to it becomes just as important.
Perfectionism and self-worth
Some people experience their worth implicitly as conditional:
IF I...
perform well
keep others happy
make no mistakes
have everything under control
↓
THEN I AM
good enoughThat can create a lot of pressure, because self-worth seems to have to be earned again and again.
A healthier starting point can be:
MY PERFORMANCE
can be good or bad
but
MY WORTH
AS A PERSON
is not the same
as one performanceAn example from everyday life
You have to send a simple email.
You write it. Then you read it again. You change one sentence. Then another. After that, you wonder whether the tone might come across wrong.
After an hour, the email has hardly changed, but the tension has.
task
↓
high standard
↓
doubt
↓
checking
↓
even more doubt
↓
checking againThe pursuit of quality has then turned into a process that costs a lot of time and energy.
Perfectionism can lead to procrastination
At first glance, perfectionism and procrastination seem like opposites.
After all, a perfectionist wants to do something very well.
But that is exactly what can make it hard to start.
‘It has to be perfect’
↓
‘The exact way I’m going to do it
has to be clear to me’
↓
‘What if it fails?’
↓
starting feels risky
↓
putting it offSo sometimes someone does not procrastinate because the task is unimportant, but precisely because it feels too important.
Not starting temporarily protects against failure
As long as you do not start, you also do not yet know whether you will fail.
That can be unconsciously reassuring.
NOT STARTING
↓
no mistake yet
no judgment yet
no proof
that something isn’t workingThe downside is that procrastination eventually creates more time pressure, which can actually increase the risk of mistakes.
Why is nothing ever quite good enough?
Perfectionistic attention often focuses heavily on what is still missing.
Ten things go well, one detail could be better, and it is precisely that one detail that sticks.
9 things good
1 thing less good
↓
attention goes mainly
to that one pointAs a result, the standard keeps shifting further and further.
What seemed sufficient yesterday already feels mediocre today.
Perfectionism and control
Perfectionism can also become a way to reduce uncertainty.
The thought may be:
‘If I just prepare everything well enough, nothing can go wrong.’
UNCERTAINTY
↓
more checking
↓
more preparation
↓
temporary reassuranceBut complete control almost never exists.
As a result, the attempt to eliminate uncertainty entirely can ultimately create a great deal of tension.
Perfectionism and criticism
Someone who already judges themselves harshly may experience criticism especially intensely.
A remark such as:
‘This paragraph could be clearer’
can internally turn into:
‘My whole work is bad.’
FEEDBACK ON SOMETHING
‘This part
could be better’
becomes
JUDGMENT ABOUT ME
‘I’m not good enough’Then feedback becomes harder to use for what it is meant to be: information to improve something.
Perfectionism and shame
Perfectionism can be strongly linked to shame when mistakes are connected to personal inadequacy.
GUILT
‘I made a mistake’
SHAME
‘I’m a failure’Someone who sees mistakes mainly as proof of personal flaw may be more likely to hide mistakes, deny them, or try endlessly to prevent them.
How can perfectionism develop?
There is no single cause.
Different factors can play a role, such as:
personality; temperament; expectations at home; school experiences; criticism or praise; performance-oriented environments; social comparison; insecurity; experiences of acceptance or rejection.
That is why it is too simplistic to automatically attribute perfectionism to one parenting style or one group.
How can this show up within close-knit communities?
Within families, schools, companies, sports teams, and faith communities, there may be clear norms about what good behavior is.
That does not have to be a problem.
But someone who is sensitive to judgment may start translating such norms into:
‘I have to be a
good example’
↓
‘Actually, I’m not
allowed to make mistakes’
↓
‘Otherwise I’ll
let people down’That can create perfectionistic pressure, even when nobody has literally said that someone has to be perfect.
How can this be recognizable among (ex-)Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Some Jehovah’s Witnesses or former Jehovah’s Witnesses, for example, recognize the need to be a good example, not disappoint others, or fulfill spiritual goals well.
For an active Jehovah’s Witness, high effort can also come entirely from sincere religious conviction and be fulfilling.
It becomes psychologically relevant especially when someone notices:
‘I want to do this well’
changes into
‘I HAVE to do this perfectly
otherwise I’m not
good enough’Not everyone within the same faith community develops perfectionism. Personal traits and other life experiences remain important.
Perfectionism can remain after leaving too
Changing environments does not automatically mean old patterns disappear.
Someone may stop pursuing religious performance goals and then carry the same pattern into work, parenting, appearance, or relationships.
OLD CONTEXT
disappears
but
PERFECTIONISTIC
RULE
‘I have to do it
well’
can remainThat is why recovery can mean more than simply following different rules. It can also mean learning to deal differently with mistakes, uncertainty, and self-worth.
Perfectionism can also shift
Sometimes, after leaving a belief, a new form of perfectionism emerges:
‘Now I have to think completely independently.’
‘I must never be influenced again.’
‘I have to make every decision perfectly on my own.’
But complete freedom from influence does not exist.
Autonomy, too, does not have to be carried out perfectly.
Good enough does not mean bad
For perfectionists, good enough can sound like:
‘Just do a half-hearted job.’
But that is not what is meant.
PERFECT
maximum result
regardless of time and cost
GOOD ENOUGH
sufficient quality
for the purpose
with reasonable effortA shopping list, for example, does not need the same quality as a scientific publication.
Decide in advance what is enough
A practical tool is to decide before starting a task:
When is this done?
For example:
E-MAIL
goal:
clear information
good enough:
correct
friendly
understandable
not necessary:
the perfect wordingThis helps prevent the standard from creeping higher and higher while you’re doing the task.
Practicing with small imperfections
Perfectionism is not changed by thinking about it alone. Experience can help too.
For example:
send an email after checking it twice;
make something without endlessly improving it;
leave a small mistake uncorrected right away;
ask a question without first knowing everything;
try something new while knowing you’re a beginner.
small imperfection
↓
discomfort
↓
nothing catastrophic
happens
↓
new experienceOf course, this should be done sensibly. In work where mistakes can have serious consequences, accuracy is exactly what matters.
From mistake to information
Another way of looking at it:
PERFECTIONISM
mistake
↓
proof that I
fall short
LEARNING
mistake
↓
information
↓
what can I
adjust?A mistake does not have to feel pleasant in order to be useful.
Don’t compare yourself to an invisible standard
Perfectionists sometimes compare their work not with what is reasonably expected, but with an ideal image that exists only in their own mind.
So ask yourself:
‘What would I consider reasonable if someone else were in the same situation?’
Often it turns out that the standard for others is much gentler than the standard for yourself.
Perfectionism and responsibility
The goal is not to let go of responsibility.
A mistake can have real consequences. Sometimes you need to apologize, fix something, or be more careful.
But:
RESPONSIBILITY
‘This wasn’t done well
and I’ll fix it’
SELF-REJECTION
‘This proves
I’m worthless’Only the first is needed to improve behavior.
When can professional help be useful?
Perfectionism is not a separate diagnosis, but it can go together with anxiety, depressive symptoms, eating problems, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, or long-term stress, among other things.
When perfectionism takes up a lot of time, interferes with functioning, reinforces procrastination, or constantly causes self-criticism, psychological support can be helpful.
Cognitive-behavioral interventions for perfectionism have shown positive effects in research.
What can you do with it?
A practical exercise is:
1. What is my standard?
2. What would be enough
for this task?
3. What do I think a mistake
says about me?
4. Is that a fact
or a judgment?
5. What does the final
10% improvement cost me?After that, you can consciously choose how much quality is really needed.
Questions to think about
What standards am I imposing on myself, and are they realistic?
What does a mistake mean to me about who I am?
Would I hold someone else to the same standard?
Am I putting something off because I’m afraid it won’t be perfect?
When does extra effort really add more quality, and when does it mainly add more stress?
Can I take responsibility for mistakes without tying my entire self-worth to them?
Which task could be consciously “good enough” this week?
Summary
Perfectionism is more than striving for high quality.
Especially the combination of very high standards, strong self-criticism, fear of mistakes, and the feeling that self-worth depends on performance can become burdensome.
HIGH STANDARD
can help
↓
quality and effort
HIGH STANDARD
+
fear of mistakes
+
self-criticism
↓
procrastination
checking
dissatisfaction
stressSo high standards do not have to disappear.
The main question is:
Can I strive for quality without every mistake feeling like proof that I have failed as a person?
“Good enough” does not mean quality becomes unimportant. It means that a task can ultimately also be finished, human, and in proportion to the goal.
Sources and further reading
Paul L. Hewitt & Gordon L. Flett – Perfectionism in the Self and Social Contexts: Conceptualization, Assessment, and Association With Psychopathology, 1991. An influential model that distinguishes different forms of perfectionism, including demands placed on yourself and the expectations you perceive from others.
Randy O. Frost e.a. – The Dimensions of Perfectionism, 1990. Foundational research into different dimensions of perfectionism, including concern over mistakes, personal standards, and doubts about actions.
Joachim Stoeber & Kathleen Otto – Positive Conceptions of Perfectionism: Approaches, Evidence, Challenges, 2006. Discusses the important distinction between high perfectionistic standards and more problematic perfectionistic concerns.
Sarah J. Egan, Tracey D. Wade & Roz Shafran – Perfectionism as a Transdiagnostic Process: A Clinical Review, 2011. About perfectionism as a process that can occur in various psychological problems.
Roz Shafran, Sarah J. Egan & Tracey D. Wade – Overcoming Perfectionism. A practical cognitive-behavioral approach focused on rigid standards, self-worth, and perfectionistic behavior.
Read also
Fear of failure – When the possibility of failure creates so much tension that functioning becomes more difficult.
Procrastination – Why high standards can make getting started even harder.
Shame and guilt – When a mistake turns into a judgment about who you are.
Self-compassion – Taking responsibility without harshly rejecting yourself.
Self-image – How performance and the reactions of others can play a role in how you judge yourself.
Black-and-white thinking – When something seems to be either perfect or a failure.
Resilience – Dealing with criticism, mistakes, and expectations without losing yourself.
