Questions to reflect on
- Why do I feel guilty when I choose myself?
- Why does taking time to rest sometimes feel selfish?
- Why do I find it easier to care for others than for myself?
- Why do I quickly assume I’ve done something wrong when someone is disappointed in my choice?
- Why does saying no sometimes feel harder than keeping going even though I really can’t anymore?
- Why can spending time or money on myself feel uncomfortable?
- Is self-love the same as putting yourself first?
- Can I take good care of myself without becoming self-centered or insensitive?
- And when is self-sacrifice loving — and when do I lose myself in it?
What is healthy selfishness?
The term healthy selfishness sounds almost contradictory.
When we think of selfishness, we usually think of someone who mainly looks after their own interests and pays little attention to others.
Healthy selfishness means something different: giving enough attention to your own health, needs, boundaries, growth, enjoyment, and freedom, without deliberately disregarding the well-being of others.
Psychologists Scott Barry Kaufman and Emanuel Jauk described healthy selfishness in research as a healthy form of regard for one’s own health, growth, happiness, pleasure, and freedom, among other things. In doing so, they built on earlier ideas by Erich Fromm and Abraham Maslow.
The core idea is not:
“I matter more
than you”but:
“You matter
and
I matter too”You are allowed to need rest.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to spend time on yourself.
You are allowed to make a choice that fits your values.
You are allowed to spend money on something you enjoy.
You are allowed to ask for help.
You are allowed to step away from something that is draining you in a sustained way.
That is not automatically selfish in a negative sense.
Healthy selfishness is not an official diagnosis or fixed psychological category
This is important.
Healthy selfishness has in fact been studied in psychological research, but it is a relatively young and limited field of study.
Kaufman and Jauk developed a measurement tool in 2020 and studied it in two samples of 370 and 891 people. Higher scores on healthy selfishness were associated with greater psychological well-being and adaptive functioning, as well as with a genuine prosocial orientation.
But these were not long-term experiments proving:
“Healthy selfishness causes happiness.”
A more cautious conclusion is:
There is research on
‘healthy selfishness’
but
self-compassion,
self-care, autonomy
and boundaries
have been studied
much more extensivelySo for a psychological knowledge base, it is fine to use the term, as long as we do not present it as an official diagnosis or a fully worked-out scientific model.
Healthy selfishness is not the same as egocentrism
The difference mainly comes down to whether both people count.
HEALTHY SELFISHNESS
“I take you
and myself into account.”
UNHEALTHY SELFISHNESS
“My needs matter.
Yours basically don’t.”Suppose a friend asks whether you can help him move in the evening.
You are exhausted.
You can say:
“I understand that you need help, but I’m truly too tired today. I can’t manage tonight.”
With that, you acknowledge his need.
But also your own.
That is something different from:
“I don’t care at all what you need.”
Healthy selfishness can therefore actually go hand in hand with empathy.
Counting yourself does not mean you always come first
This distinction is just as important.
Sometimes you consciously choose someone else.
You care for a sick child even though you are tired yourself.
You help a friend in a crisis.
You do something for your partner because they need it more at that moment.
That can fit perfectly with your own values.
HEALTHY SELF-SACRIFICE
“I choose
to do something for you
because you matter
to me”
SELF-NEGLECT
“My needs
should basically
never count”So the question is not:
“Do I choose myself or the other person?”
but more often:
“Is there room in my life for both of us?”
Taking care of others can actually be very valuable
Psychological research gives no reason to treat altruism as a problem.
A meta-analysis of 100 studies with 26,645 participants examined communal motivation: the motivation to care about the well-being of others.
That concern for others was positively associated with relationship quality. For personal well-being, however, there was an important nuance: concern for others was especially positively associated with personal well-being when it was not accompanied by completely ignoring one’s own needs.
That gives a nice balance:
ONLY ME
can damage relationships
ONLY THE OTHER
can lead to
self-neglect
ME AND THE OTHER
makes reciprocity
possibleWhy can choosing yourself still feel wrong?
Many people learn from a young age:
helping is good,
sharing is good,
considering others is good.
Those are valuable lessons.
But someone can also implicitly or explicitly learn:
“A good person always puts themselves last.”
Then thoughts can arise such as:
I have to do everything for others first.
I’m only allowed to rest when everything is done.
A nice person doesn’t say no.
If someone is disappointed, I did something wrong.
If I spend money on myself, I’m selfish.
My needs matter less.
OTHER CONTENT
↓
“I am good”
OTHER DISAPPOINTED
↓
“I did something wrong”Then other people’s judgment can quietly become a moral yardstick.
Disappointing someone is not automatically hurting them
This is perhaps one of the most important differences.
Suppose your mother wants you to come over for dinner on Sunday.
You want to be alone that day.
You say no.
She is disappointed.
There are now two facts:
FACT 1
I chose
rest
FACT 2
My mother thinks
that’s a shameThat does not automatically lead to a third fact:
“So I did
something wrong”Sometimes choices have consequences for other people.
Their disappointment is allowed to exist.
But adult relationships do not mean you have to prevent every disappointment in someone else.
But sometimes you do have responsibilities toward others
The opposite mistake is:
“It’s my life, so I don’t have to take anyone else into account.”
That is not healthy selfishness.
Sometimes we really do have obligations:
toward children,
partners,
employers,
people to whom we have made a promise,
or people who reasonably rely on us.
DON’T ASK ONLY:
“What do I want?”
ASK ALSO:
“What responsibility
do I actually have?”Healthy self-care does not free us from responsibility.
It mainly prevents all responsibility from going one way.
Self-love is not: thinking everything about yourself is great
Self-love can sound vague.
As if every morning you have to say in the mirror:
“I am amazing.”
Psychologically, self-compassion has been studied much more clearly.
Self-compassion roughly means treating yourself with care and humanity even when you fail, hurt, or fall short.
So not:
“I never do anything wrong.”
but:
“I can do something wrong without writing myself off as a person.”
A meta-analysis of 79 samples with a total of 16,416 participants found a clear positive association between self-compassion and well-being, with an average r = .47. The association was stronger with psychological and cognitive well-being than with affective well-being.
That is a correlation.
It does not mean that every difference in well-being is caused by self-compassion.
Self-compassion is not self-pity either
Compare:
SELF-PITY
“Why does this
always happen to me?”
SELF-COMPASSION
“This hurts.
How can I deal with this
in a caring and
responsible way?”Self-compassion does not rule out responsibility.
You can say:
“I should have done this differently.”
without adding:
“So I’m worthless.”
And compassion for others?
There is good research on that too.
A 2025 meta-analysis examined 54 effect sizes from 37 studies, with more than 16,000 participants in total. Compassion for others was on average positively associated with well-being, about r = .26. The researchers found preliminary indications that compassion training can improve well-being, but emphasized that the intervention studies were still not strong enough for firm causal conclusions.
The interesting thing, then, is:
SELF-COMPASSION
can be valuable
and
COMPASSION FOR OTHERS
can be valuablePsychologically, there does not have to be a contradiction between the two.
Why is ‘healthy selfishness’ such an interesting term then?
Because the word selfishness usually sounds negative by default.
Kaufman and Jauk wanted to investigate whether behavior that benefits the individual always has to come at the expense of others.
Their findings did not point that way.
People who scored higher on healthy selfishness were not less prosocial; on the contrary, healthy selfishness was linked to a more genuine prosocial orientation.
That paints a different picture:
taking care of yourself
≠
caring less about othersSometimes taking better care of yourself actually makes it easier to voluntarily do something for others.
‘You can’t keep giving from an empty well’
This is a useful metaphor, as long as we do not treat it like a scientific law of nature.
When someone structurally:
gets too little sleep,
doesn’t set boundaries,
ignores their own emotions,
never takes time to recover,
and keeps trying to stay constantly available,
their capacity can decrease.
Then, for example:
constantly giving
↓
ignoring own needs
↓
exhaustion / irritation
↓
even less capacitySelf-care can therefore help partly to keep care for others sustainable.
Not:
“Me first, and then everyone else can figure it out.”
but:
“My own capacity is also part of reality.”
When helping turns into losing yourself
The problem is not that you do a lot for other people.
More important is:
can I still choose?
Do I help because I truly want to?
Or because I think:
Otherwise I’m bad.
Otherwise someone will be angry.
Otherwise God will be disappointed in me.
Otherwise I’ll be rejected.
Otherwise I’m not worth anything.
VOLUNTARY CARE
“I want to give this”
INTERNAL COMPULSION
“I have to give this,
otherwise I’m not
good enough”Outwardly, the same behavior may be visible.
Psychologically, the motivation can be very different.
How can this be recognizable within a religious environment?
Many religions emphasize:
love of neighbor,
serving others,
humility,
generosity,
and self-sacrifice.
These can be deeply meaningful values.
Among Jehovah’s Witnesses, self-sacrifice is also explicitly encouraged as a Christian virtue. A 2022 Watchtower urges Witnesses to follow Jesus’ example by giving their time and energy to others and states that Jesus was strongly focused on the well-being of others.
But for a complete picture, it is important that JW.org also explicitly says that a reasonable measure of self-love and self-respect is normal and good. The same official explanation points out that Jesus took time to rest, eat, and have social contact.
So within the official teaching, both emphases exist:
SELF-SACRIFICE
AND SERVING OTHERS
and
REASONABLE SELF-LOVE
AND RESTThat matters, because it would be too simplistic to say:
“Jehovah’s Witnesses teach that you should never think of yourself.”
The official sources do not support that.
Why might some people still experience it differently?
Official teaching and individual experience are not always identical.
Someone may grow up in a family or congregation where there is a strong emphasis on:
preaching more,
being more available,
making more sacrifices,
doing more for the congregation,
or becoming spiritually stronger.
Another Witness may instead experience a lot of room for rest, personal boundaries, and their own choices.
That is why the psychological question is not:
“What does every Jehovah’s Witness experience?”
but:
“What have I learned about my own needs?”
“Does that mean I’m not spiritual enough?”
Someone may compare themselves to others:
She spends more hours.
He has more responsibilities.
She is always there.
He sacrifices so much more.
Why do I need rest?
Then the comparison can shift from:
“That person chooses to do a lot.”
to:
“If I were a good person, I would do the same.”
DOING MORE
↓
“more spiritual”
DOING LESS
↓
“I’m falling short”But a personal need for sleep, rest, or recovery says nothing in itself about someone’s moral worth or faith.
Even from an official JW source, rest is not wrong in itself; the organization even uses Jesus as an example of someone who took time to rest.
When God’s judgment and other people’s judgment get mixed together
For a believer, God’s judgment can mean a lot.
But psychologically, different sources of evaluation can start to blend together:
What do I want?
What do
my parents think?
What does
the congregation expect?
What do the
elders think?
What do I think
God expects of me?That doesn’t mean these voices are necessarily at odds with one another.
But it can be helpful to distinguish them from each other.
Someone might think:
“God thinks this is selfish.”
when the more precise question is:
“What am I basing that conclusion on?”
Does it come from a clear belief?
An official publication?
A parent?
A local culture?
Or from guilt that has built up over many years?
A useful question for an active Jehovah’s Witness
Even someone who wants to stay fully within the faith can ask:
“Am I doing this because I want to give out of love, or because I’m afraid I won’t be good enough otherwise?”
That doesn’t have to call the faith into question.
It can actually distinguish between:
voluntary service,
and acting out of chronic guilt or comparison.
“I WANT to give”
is something different from
“I really
shouldn’t take
care of myself”What might this look like after leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Some former Witnesses may discover that they suddenly have choices where there used to be a clear religious framework.
For example:
celebrating a birthday;
doing nothing at all for an entire Sunday;
choosing a course of study because it interests them;
spending money on a hobby;
ending a relationship that doesn’t feel right;
not explaining everything to everyone;
saying no to family;
having a different opinion;
or simply asking:
“What do I actually want?”
GETTING FREEDOM
≠
automatically
FEELING FREEA choice may feel rationally permitted but still bring up guilt emotionally.
That touches on internalization, conscience, and emotional conditioning.
“If someone is hurt by my choice, does that mean I’m selfish?”
Not necessarily.
Suppose someone changes their religious beliefs and family members feel hurt by that.
That hurt can be very real.
But the following two statements are different:
“My choice hurts someone.”
and:
“Therefore my choice must be morally wrong.”
CONSEQUENCE
“Someone is
disappointed”
MORAL JUDGMENT
“So I’ve
done something wrong”The second conclusion requires additional arguments.
At the same time, “it’s my choice” is not a reason to treat others harshly without need.
Autonomy and empathy can exist alongside each other.
Healthy selfishness and boundaries
A boundary does not say:
“I don’t care about your needs.”
A boundary says:
“This is what I can and cannot, or do and do not, want to carry.”
For example:
“I want to listen to you, but not for three hours in the middle of the night.”
“I’d be happy to help you, but not today.”
“I respect that you see this differently, but I’m making this decision myself.”
BOUNDARY
you are allowed to feel
what you feel
and
I am allowed to decide
what I doThat’s why someone can be disappointed in your boundary even though that boundary is still reasonable.
Saying no without putting yourself on trial
People who struggle to choose for themselves sometimes give a long explanation:
I’d normally really come, but I slept badly and I have to get up early tomorrow and...
As if only a perfect reason gives you the right to say no.
Sometimes this is enough:
“No, I can’t do that.”
That can feel awkward.
It doesn’t have to be unkind.
SAYING NO
≠
REJECTING THE OTHER PERSONYou are turning down a request.
Not necessarily the person.
Self-care is not just doing something nice
Self-care is sometimes reduced online to:
taking a bath,
buying something,
going out for the day.
That can be pleasant.
But real care for yourself can also be very uncomfortable:
going to bed on time,
calling a doctor,
saving money,
having a difficult conversation,
stopping behavior that harms you,
setting a boundary,
or taking responsibility for a mistake.
SELF-CARE
is not only:
“What do I feel like?”
but also:
“What do I truly
need?”Healthy selfishness is therefore not the same as following every impulse.
“But what if everyone mainly thinks about themselves?”
That would indeed not be an appealing ideal.
That is why the word healthy matters.
Research into healthy selfishness does not point toward:
“Ignore others.”
In Kaufman and Jauk’s study, healthy selfishness was associated with well-being and a genuine prosocial orientation.
And the large meta-analysis on caring for others shows that attention to others can be beneficial for relationships — especially when that care does not happen entirely without self-directed care.
Perhaps it is therefore more accurate not to think in terms of:
SELF
versus
OTHERbut rather:
SELF
+
OTHER
=
reciprocityPathological altruism
Alongside healthy selfishness, Kaufman and Jauk also examined pathological altruism.
By this they mean forms of helping in which altruistic behavior can ultimately become harmful to the helper, the recipient, or both. In their studies, their measure of pathological altruism was associated with less favorable psychological outcomes.
But caution is needed here too.
Pathological altruism is not a psychiatric diagnosis.
And a great deal of sacrifice is not automatically pathological.
A parent who cares intensively for a sick child for weeks may temporarily put themselves second without that being unhealthy.
The context and consequences are what matter.
A simple check: do I still count?
You can ask yourself a few questions.
AM I HELPING BECAUSE:
I think this matters?
I genuinely have room?
I consciously want to make
a sacrifice?
OR BECAUSE:
I don’t dare say no?
I’m afraid of guilt?
I need approval?
I think my needs
shouldn’t matter?Often the answer is mixed.
That is normal.
What’s the difference between pleasure and responsibility?
Healthy selfishness does not mean that pleasure always becomes the highest value.
Suppose you would rather watch Netflix, but you promised to pick up your child.
Your need for relaxation exists.
But you also have a responsibility.
MY NEED
rest
MY RESPONSIBILITY
pick up my childHealthy self-care might then mean:
fulfilling your responsibility,
and then making sure there is room for rest elsewhere.
So it is not about:
“I always choose me.”
but about:
“I am not structurally absent from every consideration.”
What can you do with this?
Start by not automatically asking:
“What do others expect of me?”
but instead:
“What do I need?”
Then other questions follow:
What does the other person need?
What responsibility do I actually have?
What boundary do I have?
What can I give voluntarily?
Where am I going beyond my capacity?
Is there a solution in which both of us count?
A simple framework:
1. ME
What do I need?
2. THE OTHER
What does the other need?
3. RESPONSIBILITY
What have I actually
promised or committed to?
4. BOUNDARY
What can I carry?
5. CHOICE
What aligns with my
values?Practicing small forms of healthy selfishness
You do not have to make major life decisions right away.
You can practice with:
an hour of not having to do anything;
saying no without a long defense;
choosing something because you like it;
canceling an appointment if you are truly exhausted;
asking for help;
having a hobby without it needing to be ‘useful’;
spending money on yourself within what is financially responsible;
expressing an opinion that differs;
or stopping yourself from constantly having to justify yourself.
Small experience:
“I chose myself”
↓
someone may not have thought
that was ideal
↓
the world did not end
↓
“My needs
are allowed to exist”Guilt does not automatically mean you are selfish
After setting a boundary or making a personal choice, guilt may arise.
Then ask:
Have I actually wronged someone?
Did I ignore a reasonable responsibility?
Or do I mainly feel guilty because someone didn’t get what they wanted?
That difference goes straight to conscience and learned guilt.
GUILT
is a signal
to examine
not automatically
a verdictSometimes you conclude:
“Yes, I should have taken that person into account.”
Then you can make it right.
Sometimes:
“No, my boundary was reasonable; the guilt is just lagging behind.”
That is possible too.
When healthy selfishness goes too far
Self-care is not a free pass for:
indifference,
constantly breaking promises,
using others,
refusing to take responsibility,
or answering every criticism with:
“I have to choose myself.”
A good check is:
Am I protecting
my need?
or
am I making the needs
of others systematically
unimportant?The first can be healthy self-care.
The second looks much more like plain selfishness.
You are also allowed to give a lot voluntarily
Some people derive enormous meaning from:
caring for children,
volunteering,
religious service,
informal caregiving,
or helping others.
That does not have to be explained as a lack of autonomy.
If someone says:
“This costs me time and energy, but I choose it consciously because it aligns deeply with my values.”
that can be a fully autonomous choice.
So healthy selfishness does not mean:
“Doing less for others.”
but:
“Being able to feel whether my yes is truly my yes.”
Questions to reflect on
What did I learn earlier about selfishness?
Which forms of ordinary self-care might I too quickly call selfish?
Do I feel guilty when I take rest?
Can something in my life exist only because I enjoy it?
Can I say no without seeing myself as a bad person?
How often do I ask myself what I need?
Do I think my worth depends on how much I do for others?
Am I afraid that someone will think less of me or less spiritually of me when I set a boundary?
Can I disappoint someone without automatically concluding that I have wronged them?
What responsibility do I actually have — and what responsibility may I have imposed on myself additionally?
When I help: do I do it out of love, out of choice, out of guilt, or out of fear?
Can I receive care without immediately having to do something in return?
What things genuinely bring me joy?
Do I dare to spend time on something without it having to be productive?
Which boundary would make my life healthier right now?
Where do I consciously sacrifice myself because I consider that worthwhile — and where do I lose myself?
And perhaps the most important:
If I grant other people
the right to
take good care of
themselves...
why shouldn’t I myself
also be in that
group of people?Summary
Healthy selfishness does not mean putting yourself above others.
It means not removing yourself from the moral equation.
The concept has in fact been studied. In 2020, Kaufman and Jauk developed a scale for healthy selfishness and, in two studies, found associations with greater well-being, adaptive psychological functioning, and prosociality. However, the research field is still relatively limited.
Much more thoroughly studied is self-compassion. A meta-analysis of 79 samples with 16,416 participants found a clear positive association between self-compassion and well-being.
Caring for others is also associated with well-being and good relationships. A meta-analysis of 100 studies, however, showed an important distinction: care for others was especially associated with personal well-being when a person did not completely neglect themselves in the process.
Within official JW sources, both emphases also exist: self-sacrifice is strongly valued, while a reasonable degree of self-love and self-respect is explicitly called normal and good, and Jesus is described as someone who also took time for rest.
So healthy selfishness may ultimately not be:
“I choose myself
above you”but:
“You do not have to
stand above me
and
I no longer have to
place myself
below you”Sources and further reading
Scott Barry Kaufman & Emanuel Jauk (2020), Healthy Selfishness and Pathological Altruism: Measuring Two Paradoxical Forms of Selfishness, Frontiers in Psychology. Two studies in which scales for healthy selfishness and pathological altruism were developed. Healthy selfishness was associated with greater well-being, adaptive functioning, and a genuine prosocial orientation. This is a relatively new research construct, and the studies do not prove causality.
Ulli Zessin, Oliver Dickhäuser & Sven Garbade (2015), The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis. Meta-analysis of 79 samples with a total of 16,416 participants. On average, self-compassion showed a clear positive association with well-being (r = .47).
Bonnie M. Le, Emily A. Impett, Edward P. Lemay, Amy Muise & Konstantin Tskhay (2018), Communal Motivation and Well-Being in Interpersonal Relationships. Meta-analysis of 100 studies and 26,645 participants. Caring about others’ well-being was positively associated with relationship quality; the link with personal well-being was more favorable when that care was not entirely at the expense of one’s own well-being.
M. Zhuniq, F. Winter & C. Aguilar-Raab (2025), Compassion for Others and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis. Meta-analysis in which compassion for others was, on average, positively associated with various forms of well-being. The intervention data were promising, but still not sufficient to draw strong causal conclusions.
Jennifer Crocker, Amy Canevello & Ashley Brown (2017), Social Motivation: Costs and Benefits of Selfishness and Otherishness, Annual Review of Psychology. About the complex relationship between caring for yourself, giving to others, receiving, relationships, and well-being.
Jehovah’s Witnesses – What Does the Bible Say About Loving Yourself? Official JW.org explanation describing a reasonable measure of self-love and self-respect as normal and good, and also portraying Jesus as someone who took time to rest, eat, and socialize.
Jehovah’s Witnesses – Imitate Jesus’ Example of Self-Sacrifice (2022). Official Watchtower article strongly encouraging self-sacrifice, giving, and helping others. This source shows the different emphasis within the same religious morality.
Jehovah’s Witnesses – What It Means to Love Our Neighbor. An older official publication that explicitly distinguishes between self-centered self-love and a healthy degree of self-respect.
