G - Healthy Selfishness

RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Why do I feel guilty when I choose myself? Why does taking a break sometimes feel selfish? Why do I find it easier to care for others than for myself? Why do I quickly think I’m a bad person when someone is disappointed in my choice? Why does self-love sometimes feel suspicious or exaggerated? And can I take good care of myself without becoming harsh, self-centered, or insensitive? This touches on what is sometimes called healthy selfishness . WHAT IS HEALTHY SELFISHNESS? The term healthy selfishness may sound contradictory. When we think of selfishness, we quickly think of someone who only thinks about themselves and takes no account of others. But healthy selfishness means something else: giving enough attention to your own needs, boundaries, health, development, and happiness, without consciously ignoring the well-being of others. So it is not: “I am more important than everyone else.” But rather: “I am important too.” For example, you are allowed to rest. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to spend time and money on yourself. You are allowed to make a choice that fits your values, even when someone else would prefer something different. You are allowed to protect yourself from a relationship or situation that constantly drains you. That is not automatically selfishness in a negative sense. HEALTHY SELFISHNESS IS NOT THE SAME AS EGOCENTRISM There is a big difference between: Healthy selfishness: “I take you and myself into account.” and: Unhealthy selfishness: “Only my needs matter.” Healthy selfishness leaves room for reciprocity. You can, for example, say to someone: “I understand that you need me, but I’m too tired to help today.” In doing so, you acknowledge the other person. But you also acknowledge yourself. That is different from: “I don’t care how you feel.” WHY CAN CHOOSING YOURSELF FEEL SO DIFFICULT? Many people learn from an early age that kind, helpful, and social behavior is valued. In itself, that is healthy. But when someone has strongly learned that self-sacrifice is good and personal needs are suspicious , taking care of yourself later on can bring up guilt. Then thoughts can arise such as: I must take care of others first. I’m only allowed to rest when everything is done. A good person doesn’t say no. If someone is disappointed, I did something wrong. I have to make myself smaller. This can lead to an important psychological problem: You can become so busy being good to others that you forget you are also someone who needs to be cared for. SELF-LOVE IS NOT: LIKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF Self-love is sometimes presented as if you should think in the mirror every morning: “I am amazing.” But psychologically, a related and better-researched concept is self-compassion . Self-compassion means treating yourself with care, understanding, and humanity when you make mistakes or are having a hard time. Not: “I never do anything wrong.” But: “I did something wrong, and I don’t have to write myself off as a person because of it.” A meta-analysis of 79 research groups with a total of over 16,000 participants found a clear positive association between self-compassion and well-being. The researchers found especially strong links with psychological and cognitive well-being. That does not mean self-love automatically causes happiness. It does mean research supports the idea that a kinder, less hostile relationship with yourself is associated with better well-being. HOW CAN THIS FEEL FAMILIAR IN A RELIGIOUS ENVIRONMENT? Many religions emphasize humility, service, and love of neighbor. Those can be valuable starting points. Within Jehovah's Getuigen, for example, values such as spiritual effort, obedience, preaching, caring for congregation members, and avoiding selfishness can be important. For many believers, that can genuinely provide meaning and connection. But some current or former Jehovah's Getuigen may later notice that they struggle to distinguish between: selfishness and: healthy self-care. For example: Am I allowed to stay home for an evening because I’m tired? Am I allowed to refuse a task? Am I allowed to choose an education I really want? Am I allowed to do less for others when my health requires it? Am I allowed to follow my own opinion when my family is saddened by it? Am I allowed to be happy with a life that others would not choose for me? These are not just practical questions. They can touch on identity and morality. “THEN AM I NOT SPIRITUAL ENOUGH?” When a community values certain behaviors, people naturally compare themselves to those standards. Someone might think, for example: “If I did more, I would be more spiritual.” or: “Others are making sacrifices. Why can’t I do that?” When thoughts like this come up often, it can become hard to see rest, boundaries, or personal ambitions as legitimate. But psychologically speaking, it is important that a person can also recognize their own needs. That does not mean religious dedication is wrong. The question is rather: Is this still a free choice that fits my values, or do I feel that I have to ignore myself in order to be approved? WHEN GOD’S JUDGMENT AND THE JUDGMENT OF OTHERS GET BLURRED TOGETHER For a believer, the thought of God’s opinion can be deeply meaningful. But sometimes different voices can start to blend together: What do I think? What do my parents think? What does the congregation think? What do the elders think? What do I think God thinks of me? For someone who later distances themselves from faith, that inner judgment can continue to exist. Then you no longer need to literally hear anyone say: “That’s selfish.” You may already feel it yourself. That is one reason why taking care of yourself after leaving can sometimes be harder than someone on the outside expects. Getting freedom and feeling free are not always the same thing. HEALTHY SELFISHNESS AND HAPPINESS You wrote that self-love promotes happiness. I would phrase that a bit more precisely. Research supports that self-compassion is associated with greater well-being . A meta-analysis found a moderate positive relationship between self-compassion and well-being. Also interesting: research into what researchers literally called healthy selfishness found that attention to one’s own health, growth, enjoyment, and freedom does not necessarily stand in opposition to caring for others. So people can take good care of themselves and still remain prosocial. The concept has, however, been studied much less extensively than self-compassion. And a recent meta-analysis shows that compassion for others is also positively associated with well-being. That creates a nicely balanced picture: well-being does not seem to require choosing between yourself and others. Caring for both can be valuable. YOU CAN’T KEEP GIVING FROM AN EMPTY RESERVOIR A simple way to explain it is: When you systematically ignore your sleep, health, emotions, time, and boundaries in order to remain available to others, your capacity eventually decreases. Self-care can therefore also help you remain caring. Not: “Me first, and everyone else can figure it out.” But: “I need to take enough care of myself in order to have anything sustainable to give at all.” That is why altruism and healthy selfishness can actually exist side by side. WHAT CAN THIS LOOK LIKE AFTER LEAVING JEHOVAH'S GETUIGEN? Some ex-Jehovah's Getuigen may discover that they suddenly have many choices, but feel guilty about them. For example: celebrating a birthday; doing nothing for an entire Sunday; taking a course simply because it is interesting; spending money on a hobby; ending a relationship that does not feel right; not explaining everything to everyone; saying no to family; having a different opinion; or simply thinking: “What do I want today?” At first, that can almost feel wrong. Not because those choices are actually wrong. But possibly because paying attention to yourself has been less familiar for many years. AN IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE You can place these two questions side by side: Unhealthy selfishness: “What do I want, regardless of what this does to others?” Healthy selfishness: “What do I need, and how can I take that into account without unnecessarily harming others?” That second one actually requires maturity. You take yourself seriously. But you also keep the other person in view. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH THIS? Start not with: “What do others expect from me?” but with: “What do I need?” Only then can you look further: What does the other person want? What responsibility do I actually have? What boundary do I have? Can there be a solution in which both of us count? You can also practice small forms of healthy selfishness: an hour without having to do anything; saying no without a long defense; choosing something because you like it; canceling an appointment when you are exhausted; asking for help; spending money on something that gives you pleasure; or stopping the habit of constantly explaining yourself. Small choices can teach you: My needs are allowed to exist without making other people's needs worthless. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT What did I learn in the past about selfishness? Which things do I now see as selfish that are actually just normal self-care? Do I feel guilty when I take rest? Can I say no without seeing myself as a bad person? How often do I ask myself what I need? Do I think my worth depends on how much I do for others? Which things genuinely give me pleasure? Do I dare to spend time on something that has no purpose other than that I enjoy it? Which boundary would make my life healthier right now? Can I disappoint someone without concluding that I did something wrong? And perhaps the most important: If I grant others the right to take good care of themselves, why shouldn't that right also apply to me? SUMMARY Healthy selfishness does not mean thinking only of yourself. It means that you are included in the circle of people you care for . For people who have strongly learned to be service-minded, helpful, or obedient, that can feel uncomfortable at first. That does not automatically mean their religious upbringing was unhealthy. It can, however, be worthwhile to look again at where care for others ends and self-neglect begins. Scientifically, self-compassion has been studied especially well. A large meta-analysis found a clear positive association between self-compassion and well-being. Care for others is also positively associated with well-being, showing that self-care and altruism do not have to be opposites. Maybe healthy selfishness is therefore ultimately not: “I choose myself over you.” But rather: “I no longer have to place myself below you.” Scientific sources and further reading Zessin, Dickhäuser & Garbade – The Relationship Between Self-Compassion and Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis Meta-analysis of 79 samples, totaling 16,416 participants, on self-compassion and various forms of well-being. Zhuniq, Winter & Aguilar-Raab – Compassion for others and well-being: a meta-analysis Recent meta-analysis showing that compassion for others is also positively associated with well-being.