Recognizable questions
- Why do I so often put other people’s needs before my own? - Why does choosing myself sometimes feel selfish?
- Why do I feel guilty when I say no?
- Am I helping because I want to, or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone? - When is caring for others healthy
- and when do I lose myself in it?
What is altruism?
Altruism means doing something for the benefit of someone else, sometimes at the expense of your own time, energy, money, or effort. That can be something small, like listening to a friend who is hurting, or something major, like caring for someone over a long period of time.
Psychologists do not all use exactly the same definition. Some researchers focus mainly on the behavior, others on the intention or on the personal cost. What nearly all definitions have in common is that the well-being of someone else is promoted.
So altruism in itself is something valuable. Human beings are social creatures. Caring for one another, working together, and helping each other are important for relationships and communities.
The interesting question is not:
Should I care for others or not?
But rather:
Can I care for someone else without constantly losing myself?
Healthy altruism and losing yourself in it
There is an important difference between:
“I’m helping you because I want to and because I have room for it.”
and:
“I have to help you, otherwise I’m selfish or not a good person.”
In the first case, you can give out of love, involvement, or your own values. In the second case, helping becomes less and less of a free choice. Guilt, fear of rejection, or the need for approval can then start to determine what you do.
That does not mean helping is only healthy when it costs you nothing. Love for someone can actually mean that sometimes you consciously sacrifice something.
The main question is: do you still have a choice?
Can you also say no?
Do your health and needs count too?
Can you rest without immediately condemning yourself?
Or does caring for others feel like a condition for being allowed to be a good person?
What is pathological altruism?
In the scientific literature, there is also the term pathological altruism. That is not a psychiatric diagnosis and does not mean that doing a lot for others is a disorder.
The term is used for situations in which an attempt to do good can ultimately have serious negative consequences for yourself, for someone else, or for both. The academic book Pathological Altruism, edited by Barbara Oakley and Ariel Knafo among others, explores precisely that less visible side of altruism.
Think, for example, of someone who cares for everyone for years, hardly sleeps, ignores their own medical issues, and refuses help because they think:
“I have to be strong for everyone.”
The intention may be loving. Yet the way someone helps can ultimately become harmful.
That is why giving a lot is not automatically healthy — but giving a lot is also not automatically unhealthy. Motivation, freedom, consequences, and boundaries matter.
Why can helping become tied to self-worth?
Sometimes someone learns, consciously or unconsciously:
If I’m helpful, I’m good.
If people need me, I have value.
If I say no, I disappoint someone.
Choosing myself is selfish.
Then helping is no longer only about the other person. It also touches your sense of safety, identity, and self-worth.
That can develop anywhere: within a family, relationship, work culture, caregiving role, or religious community.
As a result, you can end up seeming very caring while barely knowing what you yourself need anymore.
How can this be recognizable within a religious environment?
Many religions place value on love of neighbor, humility, service, and caring for others. Those can be meaningful values.
Publications by Jehovah’s Witnesses also speak positively about self-sacrifice. A Watchtower article from 2022, for example, encourages believers to follow Jesus’ example of self-sacrifice, spend time on others, and be more concerned with the interests of others than with their own. The article explicitly links this to love for Jehovah and fellow humans and describes the effort as voluntary.
For many Jehovah’s Witnesses, that form of service can be genuinely meaningful.
At the same time, some current or former Witnesses may wonder:
Am I allowed to choose myself too?
Am I spiritual enough if I do less?
Am I disappointing Jehovah if I set a boundary?
Am I selfish if I need rest?
How much of what I do is actually my own choice?
Those questions do not mean that religious service is unhealthy. They help distinguish between giving freely from your values and giving because you are afraid of guilt, rejection, or losing approval.
“Putting others above yourself”
Humility and being considerate of others do not have to mean that your own needs matter less.
You can think:
“Your feelings are important.”
without concluding:
“So my feelings are less important.”
You can help someone without exhausting yourself.
You can be loving and still set a boundary.
You can give and also receive.
A healthy relationship does not have to be constantly you or me.
There is also:
you and me.
Why can this continue after leaving?
Patterns do not disappear automatically when the environment changes.
Someone may stop doing religious tasks and then at work be there for everyone, within the family try to solve all the problems, or in a friend group always become the one who takes others in.
The environment has changed, but the underlying belief may remain the same:
“My worth lies in what I mean to others.”
That is why an important recovery question can be:
Who am I when nobody needs anything from me?
Is choosing yourself selfish?
Not automatically.
Selfishness and self-sacrifice are not the only two options between which you have to choose. There is a broad middle ground where you can care for both yourself and others.
Interesting research by Kaufman and Jauk introduced the concept of healthy selfishness for this — healthy self-orientedness. In two studies, healthy attention to one’s own needs was associated with greater psychological well-being and adaptive functioning, but also with a sincere prosocial attitude. The research does not prove that caring for yourself automatically makes you more prosocial, but it does show that attention to yourself and attention to others do not have to be opposites.
So taking care of yourself does not have to mean:
“I don’t care about other people.”
It can also mean:
“I am also someone for whom I bear responsibility.”
What can you do with this?
When you notice that you automatically say yes, try to slow down for a moment.
Ask yourself:
Do I really want this?
Can I carry this right now?
What does it cost me?
Does this fit my values?
Am I helping out of love, or mainly out of fear of guilt or rejection?
Am I allowed to say no to myself too?
A boundary can sound like this, for example:
“I’d love to be there for you, but I can’t manage that today.”
That does not have to mean a lack of love. It may actually mean that you are taking into account what you truly can give.
Questions to reflect on
When do I feel most valuable: when I am myself, or mainly when others need me?
Can I receive help, or am I mostly used to giving?
Can I say no without feeling guilty for a long time afterward?
What have I learned about self-care and selfishness?
Have I learned that a good or spiritual person is supposed to erase themselves?
Which things do I truly do of my own free will?
Where is the boundary for me between loving giving and exhausting myself?
And perhaps the most important question:
Can I believe that my needs are just as human and legitimate as those of the people I care for?
Summary
Altruism is the promotion of another person’s well-being and is an important part of human relationships. Caring, helping, and sometimes sacrificing something for someone else can be deeply meaningful.
But altruism does not have to mean that you systematically put yourself last.
When helping is driven mainly by guilt, fear of rejection, or the belief that you are only valuable when others need you, it is worthwhile to examine how much freedom you still experience.
The core question is therefore not:
“Should I think more about myself or more about others?”
but:
“Can I care for others without disappearing from view myself?”
Perhaps healthy altruism ultimately is not:
“You are more important than I am.”
but:
“You are important — and so am I.”
Sources and further reading
Stefan Pfattheicher, Yngwie Asbjørn Nielsen & Isabel Thielmann (2022), Prosocial Behavior and Altruism: A Review of Concepts and Definitions, Current Opinion in Psychology, 44, 124–129. On the different scientific definitions of altruism and prosocial behavior.
American Psychological Association, APA Dictionary of Psychology – Altruism. Defines altruism as behavior that benefits others while involving some personal cost to the person acting.
Barbara Oakley, Ariel Knafo, Guruprasad Madhavan & David Sloan Wilson (eds.) (2011/2012), Pathological Altruism, Oxford University Press. A scholarly collection on situations in which well-intentioned help or self-sacrifice can have harmful consequences.
Scott Barry Kaufman & Emanuel Jauk (2020), Healthy Selfishness and Pathological Altruism: Measuring Two Paradoxical Forms of Selfishness, Frontiers in Psychology, 11. Two studies on healthy self-directedness and pathological altruism.
Jehovah’s Witnesses, Imitate Jesus’ Example of Self-Sacrifice, The Watchtower—Study Edition, February 2022. A primary source for the way self-sacrifice is described positively within the organization and linked to voluntary service and love.
