A - altruism

Recognizable questions Why do I so often put other people’s needs ahead of my own? Why does choosing myself sometimes feel selfish? Why do I feel guilty when I say no? Do I help because I want to, or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone? When is caring for others healthy — and when do I lose myself in it? What is altruism? Altruism means doing something that benefits someone else, sometimes while costing you time, energy, money, or effort. It can be small, like listening to a friend who is sad, or big, like caring for someone over a long period. Psychologists do not all use exactly the same definition. Some researchers focus mainly on the behavior, others on the intention or on the personal cost. What almost all definitions have in common is that the well-being of someone else is being promoted . So altruism is, in itself, something valuable. Human beings are social creatures. Caring for one another, cooperating, and helping each other are important for relationships and communities. The interesting question is not: Should I care for others or not? But rather: Can I care for someone else without constantly losing myself? Healthy altruism and self-effacement There is an important difference between: “I help you because I want to and because I have room for it.” and: “I have to help you, otherwise I’m selfish or not a good person.” In the first case, you can give from love, concern, or your own values. In the second case, helping becomes less and less a free choice. Guilt, fear of rejection, or a need for approval can then start shaping what you do. That does not mean helping is only healthy when it costs you nothing. Loving someone can actually mean that you deliberately sacrifice something at times. The main question is: do you still have a choice? Can you also say no? Do your health and needs count too? Can you rest without immediately condemning yourself? Or does caring for others feel like a condition for being allowed to be a good person? What is pathological altruism? In the scientific literature, there is also the term pathological altruism . That is not a psychiatric diagnosis and does not mean that doing a lot for others is a disorder. The term is used for situations in which an attempt to do good can ultimately have serious negative consequences for yourself, for someone else, or for both. The scientific book Pathological Altruism , edited by Barbara Oakley and Ariel Knafo among others, explores precisely that less visible side of altruism. Think, for example, of someone who cares for everyone for years, hardly sleeps, ignores their own medical complaints, and refuses help because they think: “I have to be strong for everyone.” The intention may be loving. Yet the way someone helps can ultimately become harmful. That is why giving a lot is not automatically healthy — but giving a lot is not automatically unhealthy either. Motivation, freedom, consequences, and boundaries matter. Why can helping become tied to self-worth? Sometimes someone learns, consciously or unconsciously: If I am helpful, I am good. If others need me, I have value. If I say no, I disappoint someone. Choosing myself is selfish. Then helping is no longer just about the other person. It also touches your sense of safety, identity, and self-worth. That can develop anywhere: within a family, a relationship, a work culture, a caregiving role, or a religious community. As a result, you may eventually seem very caring while barely knowing what you yourself need anymore. How can this be recognizable in a religious setting? Many religions value love of neighbor, humility, service, and care for others. These can be meaningful values. Jehovah’s Witness publications also speak positively about self-sacrifice. A Watchtower article from 2022, for example, encourages believers to follow Jesus’ example of self-sacrifice, spend time on others, and be more concerned with others’ interests than with their own. The article explicitly connects this to love for Jehovah and fellow humans and describes the effort as voluntary. For many Jehovah’s Witnesses, that form of service can be genuinely meaningful. At the same time, some current or former Witnesses may wonder: Am I allowed to choose myself too? Am I spiritual enough if I do less? Am I disappointing Jehovah if I set a boundary? Am I selfish if I need rest? How much of what I do do I choose for myself? Those questions do not mean that religious service is unhealthy. They help distinguish between voluntarily giving from your values and giving because you are afraid of guilt, rejection, or losing approval. “Putting Others Before Yourself” Humility and consideration for others do not have to mean that your own needs are worth less. You can think: “Your feelings matter.” without concluding from that: “So my feelings matter less.” You can help someone without exhausting yourself. You can be loving and still set a boundary. You can give and also receive. A healthy relationship does not have to be constantly you or me . There is also: you and me. Why can this still persist after leaving? Patterns do not disappear automatically when the environment changes. Someone can stop doing religious duties and then make themselves available to everyone at work, try to solve every problem in the family, or in a group of friends always become the person who takes others in. The environment has changed, but the underlying belief may remain the same: “My worth lies in what I mean to others.” That is why an important recovery question can be: Who am I when no one needs anything from me? Is choosing yourself selfish? Not automatically. Selfishness and self-sacrifice are not the only two options. There is a large area in between where you can care for both yourself and others. Interesting research by Kaufman and Jauk introduced the concept of healthy selfishness for this — healthy self-interest. In two studies, healthy attention to one’s own needs was associated with greater psychological well-being and adaptive functioning, but also with a sincere prosocial attitude. The research does not prove that taking care of yourself automatically makes you more prosocial, but it does show that attention to yourself and attention to others do not have to be opposites. So taking care of yourself does not have to mean: “I don’t care about other people.” It can also mean: “I am also someone I am responsible for.” What can you do with this? When you notice that you automatically say yes, try to slow down for a moment. Ask yourself: Do I really want this? Can I carry this right now? What will it cost me? Does this fit my values? Am I helping out of love, or mainly out of fear of guilt or rejection? Am I allowed to say no to myself too? A boundary can sound like this, for example: “I’d love to be there for you, but I can’t manage that today.” That does not have to mean a lack of love. It can actually mean that you are taking into account what you truly can give. Questions to think about When do I feel most valuable: when I am myself, or mainly when others need me? Can I receive help, or am I mostly used to giving? Can I say no without feeling guilty for a long time afterward? What have I learned about self-care and selfishness? Have I learned that a good or spiritual person is supposed to erase themselves? Which things do I truly do of my own free will? Where is the line for me between loving generosity and exhausting myself? And perhaps the most important question: Can I believe that my needs are just as human and legitimate as those of the people I care for? Summary Altruism is promoting the well-being of another person and is an important part of human relationships. Caring, helping, and sometimes sacrificing something for someone else can be deeply meaningful. But altruism does not have to mean that you consistently put yourself at the bottom. When helping is driven mainly by guilt, fear of rejection, or the belief that you are only valuable when others need you, it is worthwhile to examine how much freedom you still experience. The core question is therefore not: “Should I think more about myself or more about others?” but: “Can I care for others without disappearing from view myself?” Perhaps healthy altruism is ultimately not: “You matter more than I do.” but: “You matter — and I do too.” Sources and further reading Stefan Pfattheicher, Yngwie Asbjørn Nielsen & Isabel Thielmann (2022), Prosocial Behavior and Altruism: A Review of Concepts and Definitions , Current Opinion in Psychology, 44, 124–129. On the different scientific definitions of altruism and prosocial behavior. American Psychological Association, APA Dictionary of Psychology – Altruism . Defines altruism as behavior that benefits others while entailing some personal cost for the person acting. Barbara Oakley, Ariel Knafo, Guruprasad Madhavan & David Sloan Wilson (eds.) (2011/2012), Pathological Altruism , Oxford University Press. A scholarly collection about situations in which well-intentioned help or self-sacrifice can have harmful consequences. Scott Barry Kaufman & Emanuel Jauk (2020), Healthy Selfishness and Pathological Altruism: Measuring Two Paradoxical Forms of Selfishness , Frontiers in Psychology, 11. Two studies on healthy self-directedness and pathological altruism. Jehovah’s Witnesses, Follow Jesus’ example of self-sacrifice , The Watchtower — study edition, February 2022. Primary source for the way self-sacrifice is described positively within the organization and linked to voluntary service and love. Also read Setting boundaries – why saying no is not the same as rejecting someone. People-pleasing – when the need to keep others happy starts to shape your own choices. Learned guilt – why choosing yourself can feel wrong even when you have done nothing wrong. Learned shame – when not only your behavior, but you yourself, start to feel wrong. Codependency – when caring for someone else and your own identity become deeply intertwined. Self-compassion – allowing yourself the same humanity and care that you give others. Inner critic – how outside standards can become an automatic inner voice. Building your own value system – exploring which values are truly yours and which you want to reconsider.