Recognizable questions
- Why do I find it hard to figure out what I actually want?
- Why do I want to know what others think first before I make a decision myself?
- Why do I feel guilty when my choice disappoints someone?
- Why am I so sensitive to approval or disapproval?
- Why does choosing for myself sometimes feel selfish?
- Why do I sometimes know better what others need than what I need myself?
- Why do I know intellectually that I’m allowed to choose for myself, but still feel like I need permission?
- How do I discover, among all the voices around me: what do I think?
What is codependency?
The concept of codependency originally arose in addiction treatment. It was used to describe certain patterns in the partners and family members of people with alcohol or drug problems. Later, it came to be used much more broadly for relational patterns in which someone becomes strongly focused on the feelings, needs, problems, or approval of others and may have difficulty recognizing their own boundaries, needs, or identity.
It can sound something like this: ‘If you’re happy with me, I’ve done well.’ ‘If someone is angry with me, I must have done something wrong.’ ‘I have to make sure everyone feels okay.’ ‘You tell me what you think first, then I’ll know what I should choose.’
Your feelings
Your opinion
Your needs
↓
become
more and more
important
↓
What do I
actually feel or want?So codependency does not simply mean that you need other people. People do need each other. Love, connection, taking one another into account, and asking for advice are part of healthy relationships. It becomes more problematic when other people’s reactions become so decisive that you can no longer easily distinguish them from your own boundaries, values, and needs.
An important scientific nuance
Codependency is not a term with one universally accepted, precise definition. An integrative review from 2026 examined thirty studies and found different ways in which codependency is approached in the literature, including relational, developmental-psychological, sociocultural, and cognitive-personality explanations. The literature links such patterns, among other things, to emotional problems, identity, and relational functioning, but the concept remains conceptually fragmented.
Older literature also warned that normally caring or dependent behavior can too easily be labeled problematic. That is why it is wiser not to use codependency as a label:
‘You do this,
so you are
codependent’but as a question for inquiry:
Which patterns
do I recognize
↓
and how much room
do I have in them
for myself?Codependency is not the same as dependency
People are relational beings. You may need your partner, ask for advice, feel sad when someone rejects you, take your parents into account, and care deeply for someone. That is not automatically unhealthy.
The difference is more in questions like: Can I be connected and still have boundaries? Can I take your opinion seriously without it automatically becoming my opinion? Can you be disappointed while I still stand by my choice? Do I know what I need myself?
Healthy connection
you matter
+
I matterThis is also called interdependence: people are connected to and dependent on one another, without one person constantly having to lose themselves in the process.
Why can it be hard to hear your own voice?
A child is not born with a fully developed worldview. They learn from parents and other important people what is right and wrong, what feels safe, which standards matter, and how relationships work. That is normal and necessary.
As someone grows older, another developmental task also emerges:
What have I learned?
↓
What do I experience myself?
↓
What do I know?
↓
What do I think and choose?When the approval of important others carries a lot of weight, those steps can become harder to distinguish from one another. Then you do not only think: ‘What do I think?’ but immediately: ‘What will they think of it?’
That does not automatically mean codependency is present. But it may be something worth exploring when other people’s judgment keeps determining how much confidence you have in your own choice.
How can this be recognizable in a religious environment?
A religious upbringing can give children a lot: values, belonging, moral direction, rituals, faith, and community.
Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves describe parents as teaching their children Bible-based values, studying the Bible with them, attending meetings, and involving them in the preaching work. At the same time, the organization says that as children get older, they should ultimately decide for themselves whether they want to become Jehovah’s Witnesses.
For many families, that kind of faith-based upbringing can be positive and meaningful. At the same time, different reference points can automatically come into play when making decisions: What does Jehovah think of this? What does the Bible say? What has been published about this? What do my parents think? What would the elders advise? What will the congregation think?
None of those questions on their own proves codependency. The psychological follow-up question is:
‘Is there also enough room for the question: what do I think, feel, and choose myself?’
Faith
Family
Congregation
Advice
↓
all information
↓
but also:
What do
I myself endorse?Psychology does not then need to decide which religious choice someone should make.
When a familiar compass changes
This pattern can become more clearly visible when someone distances themselves from a faith community or another important life system.
Suddenly, questions become open again: What education do I want? Who do I want to spend time with? What do I think about relationships and sexuality? How do I want to raise my children? What do I believe about God? What do I consider morally right? Do I want to celebrate certain holidays? What do I actually want with my life?
Freedom can then feel surprisingly uncertain.
Before:
‘What is expected?’
↓
Now:
‘What do I choose?’
↓
‘But how do I know
what I want?’That does not mean someone cannot think independently or is not intelligent enough. Doing your own research, weighing things up, and making choices are skills. Skills can get stronger when you use them more often.
The voices can remain even when the people are not there
You do not have to be literally sitting next to your parents, partner, or elders to still hear their judgment in your head.
Years later, a decision can bring up thoughts such as: ‘My mother would be horrified by this.’ ‘My father would be disappointed.’ ‘What would the brothers think of this?’ ‘Is this even allowed?’
Norms from our environment can become internalized: they become part of our own inner dialogue.
Before:
‘They think this is wrong’
↓
Later:
‘This feels wrong’
↓
But do I
think it is wrong too?Autonomy therefore sometimes requires more than saying: ‘From today on, I decide everything myself.’ You may first have to learn to recognize which beliefs you yourself endorse and which voice you have mainly learned to repeat.
Codependency is not the same as love
Loving your parents is not codependency. Finding your partner important is not codependency. Caring for someone, asking for advice, not wanting to hurt someone, or feeling sad when rejected are not codependency either.
The more interesting question is:
‘Can I stay connected without losing myself?’
For example: ‘I understand that you are disappointed’ does not automatically have to mean: ‘So I should change my decision.’
You are allowed to be disappointed
and
I am allowed to stand by my
decisionThat creates room for both connection and autonomy.
When do I feel responsible for other people’s emotions?
A pattern often described as codependency is excessive responsibility for the well-being of others.
That can sound like: ‘My partner is angry, so I need to fix this.’ ‘My mother is sad because of my decision, so my decision must be wrong.’ ‘Everyone has to be happy, otherwise I’ve failed.’
There is a difference between:
‘I care about
your feelings’
and
‘I am responsible
for all your feelings’We influence one another, but we cannot prevent or repair all of other people’s emotions.
After leaving, only the authority may change
An important point is that the pattern does not automatically disappear when the old authority disappears.
After leaving a community, someone may look for a lot of reassurance from friends, find it hard to say no, let a partner decide everything, start seeing a therapist as the absolute authority, or use an ex-JW group as a new compass.
Then the person you look to changes, but not necessarily the mechanism:
Old authority
disappears
↓
New authority
appears
↓
‘Tell me
what is true’Thinking independently therefore also does not mean: ‘From now on I believe whatever other ex-JWs say.’ Their ideas should be examined just as critically.
Asking for advice or asking for permission?
This question can reveal a lot.
Asking for advice sounds like: ‘You know something about this. What do you think?’
Seeking permission sounds more like: ‘Tell me what choice I’m allowed to make so I can be sure I’m not doing anything wrong.’
A small test:
If this person
disapproves of my choice...
↓
can I still
make it?When the answer is consistently no, it may be worth exploring how much of your decision-making space has come to depend on approval.
How can you learn to hear your own voice better?
Start small. You don’t have to suddenly ignore every piece of advice or make all important decisions alone.
Before you consult others, first ask yourself:
‘What do I think?’
Then you can separate four things:
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?
What rules and norms
have I been given?
WHAT DO I FEEL?
Fear, guilt, relief,
curiosity?
WHAT DO I KNOW?
What facts have I
investigated myself?
WHAT DO I CHOOSE?
What fits my
own values?After that, you can still ask for advice. The difference is that advice becomes information and not automatically permission.
So the goal is not: ‘I don’t need anyone.’
But:
‘I am allowed to listen to others without handing over my own voice to them.’
Questions to reflect on
- When I make an important decision, whose judgment do I hear first in my head?
- Do I know what I think myself before I ask others for advice?
- Which choices do I make mainly to avoid rejection or disappointment?
- Do I feel responsible when someone is unhappy with my decision?
- Can someone I love disapprove of my choice while I still stand by it?
- Which beliefs have I investigated myself, and which have I mostly adopted?
- When I think ‘this is not allowed,’ can I explain why I think it is wrong?
- Am I asking for information, advice, or actually permission?
- After a major change, have I gone looking again for someone to tell me what is true or right?
- Can I tolerate someone else having a different opinion without immediately doubting myself?
- If no one were judging me, what would I choose?
Summary
Codependency is a broad term that is not fully scientifically settled. It emerged in addiction treatment and is now used for various relational patterns in which someone can become strongly focused on the needs, feelings, or approval of others, and as a result may have trouble recognizing their own boundaries, identity, or autonomy.
That is why it is often wiser not to ask:
‘Am I codependent?’
but:
Can I listen
and think for myself?
Can I love
and have boundaries?
Can someone disapprove of me
without me immediately
disapproving of myself?Independence does not mean you no longer need anyone. Healthy relationships are not about complete independence, but about connection in which both people continue to exist.
The core may be this:
among all the voices that matter to you, there should also be room left for your own.
Sources and further reading
Elena Molina, Abigail Taiwo & Ben Grey – Co-Dependency Revisited: An Integrative Review of Conceptualisations and Mental Health Outcomes, 2026. Integrative review of thirty studies; describes multiple conceptualizations of codependency and emphasizes that there is still no single agreed-upon definition.
L.L. Stafford – Is Codependency a Meaningful Concept?, 2001. Critical discussion of definitions, validity, and attempts to measure codependency.
S.M. Uhle – Codependence: Contextual Variables in the Language of Social Pathology, 1994. About traits associated with codependency and the risk of pathologizing normal relational behavior too quickly.
Jehovah’s Witnesses – Do Jehovah’s Witnesses force their children to embrace their faith? Official explanation stating that parents teach their children Bible-based values while children later decide for themselves whether they want to become Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Jehovah’s Witnesses – How Do I Become One of Jehovah’s Witnesses? Official explanation describing worship and baptism as personal choices.
Read also
Autonomous thinking – How can you listen to others without handing over your own judgment?
Healthy selfishness – When does taking care of yourself become something other than being selfish?
Internalization – How do outside voices and norms become part of your own inner voice?
Loyalty conflict – What happens when loyalty to yourself and loyalty to important others clash?
Social influence – How do others influence our thoughts, feelings, and choices?
Free will – How free does a choice feel when deviating can have emotional or social consequences?
