c- Codependency

RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Have you ever thought: Why do I find it so hard to figure out what I actually want? Why do I first want to know what others think about something before I make a decision myself? Why do I feel guilty when my choice disappoints someone else? Why am I so sensitive to approval or disapproval? Why does choosing for myself sometimes feel selfish? Why, when making a decision, do I automatically think: What will my parents think of this? What will others think of this? Why can I know in my head that I am free to choose for myself, while still feeling the need for permission? Why do I sometimes know better what others need than what I need myself? And after years of listening to others, how do I actually discover: What do I think? These experiences can have different causes. One concept sometimes used to describe certain patterns like these is codependency . WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY? Codependency is a concept that originally emerged in addiction treatment. It was used for certain patterns in the partners and family members of people with an alcohol or drug problem. Later, the concept came to be used much more broadly for relational patterns in which someone, for example, becomes strongly focused on other people's needs, feelings, approval, or problems, and may thereby struggle with their own boundaries, needs, or identity. This can show up in thoughts such as: If they are happy with me, I must have done well. If someone is angry with me, I must have done something wrong. I need to make sure everyone feels okay. I want to know what you think before I decide. If my parents disapprove of my choice, my choice suddenly feels wrong. So codependency does not simply mean that you are dependent on other people. People need each other . Love, connection, considering others, and asking for advice are in themselves healthy parts of relationships. It becomes more problematic when the thoughts, emotions, or expectations of others become so decisive that it is difficult to distinguish your own needs, boundaries, values, and opinions from them. A IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC NUANCE Codependency is not a concept where we can simply say: “You have these characteristics, so you are codependent.” Scientists have been debating its exact meaning for decades. Definitions differ, and in the past the concept has also been criticized because normally caring or dependent behavior was sometimes too easily labeled as problematic. A recent 2026 integrative review examined thirty studies and found different ways in which codependency is understood: among them relational, developmental-psychological, socio-cultural, and from the perspectives of personality and cognition. In that literature, codependent patterns are linked, among other things, to emotional problems, a disrupted sense of identity, and problems within relationships. At the same time, the researchers emphasize that the concept is still not unambiguous. That is why we do not use it here as a label or diagnosis, but as a possible way of looking at certain relational patterns . WHY CAN IT BECOME HARD TO HEAR YOUR OWN VOICE? A child is not born with a fully developed opinion about itself and the world. It learns from its environment. From parents, a child learns, for example: what is right and wrong, what is safe and dangerous, how people are supposed to behave, which people are trustworthy, what is important, and what is expected of him or her. That is normal. Parents all pass on values and beliefs to their children. But when an environment leaves little room to question certain beliefs, to disagree with them, or to independently draw different conclusions, it can become harder to distinguish between: What have I learned? and: What do I think for myself? That does not automatically mean someone is codependent. It can, however, be an interesting question when someone notices that approval from others has become very important for trusting their own choices. HOW CAN THIS BE RECOGNIZED IN A RELIGIOUS ENVIRONMENT? For someone who grew up as a Jehovah's Witness from an early age, parents, family, congregation, and religious teachings may all have been part of the same world. For example, faith was discussed at home. You went to meetings with your parents. You heard talks. You read publications or watched religious videos. You may have joined in the preaching. Your friends may have been mostly within the same community. And important life questions were often viewed from the same religious framework. That does not mean that every Jehovah's Witness grows up in the same way, or that parents deliberately make their children dependent. Many parents, from their own convictions, are simply trying to pass on something valuable to their children. But for some people, an interesting psychological question can arise in hindsight: How much opportunity did I have to develop my own inner compass? Suppose that as a teenager you had doubts about a decision. Maybe you were not only thinking: What do I want? but also: What does Jehovah think about this? What do the publications say about this? What do my parents think? What will the elders think about this? What will the congregation think? When such reference points have been important for years, they can become part of the way you make decisions. AND THEN THAT COMPASS FALLS AWAY That can become especially visible when someone later distances themselves from the faith community. Suddenly, you get to decide for yourself. That sounds like freedom. But freedom can be surprisingly complicated when you have had a clear framework for years. What education do I want? Who do I want to associate with? What do I think about sexuality? How do I want to raise my children? What do I actually believe about God? What do I think is morally right? Do I want to celebrate birthdays? What do I want with my life? The answer is no longer automatically there somewhere. You have to figure it out for yourself. And then someone may discover: I actually have no idea what I think. That does not have to mean a lack of intelligence or independence. You may be strengthening a skill that previously was needed less often: to think things through, weigh them up, feel, and choose for yourself. THE VOICES CAN STAY, EVEN WHEN THE PEOPLE ARE NO LONGER THERE You do not have to sit literally next to your parents to still take their judgment into account. Years later, you can make a choice and immediately think: My mother would find this terrible. My father would be disappointed. What would the brothers think of this? Or even: Is this actually allowed? Even though no one is forbidding you anything at that moment. The rules are no longer present outside of you, but some of them may, in a sense, have become part of your own inner dialogue. That is why learning to think independently can mean more than simply saying: “From today on, I decide everything myself.” Sometimes you first have to discover which voice is yours and which one you have taken over . CODEPENDENCY IS NOT THE SAME AS LOVE This distinction is important. Taking your parents into account is not codependency. Loving your family is not codependency. Asking for advice is not codependency. Needing your partner is not codependency. Feeling sad when someone rejects you is not codependency. People are social beings, and healthy dependence is part of relationships. The more interesting question is: Can I stay connected to someone without losing myself? Can I listen to your opinion and still come to my own conclusion? Can you be disappointed without me immediately changing my choice? Can I say: “I understand that you see it differently, but for me this feels right” ? That is where autonomy begins. HOW CAN YOU NOTICE THIS AFTER LEAVING? Some former Jehovah's Witnesses may, for example, notice that they: seek a lot of reassurance from others; find it hard to say no; quickly feel responsible for other people's emotions; are afraid of disappointing someone; have difficulty recognizing their own needs; feel guilty when they choose for themselves; start using a new partner, therapist, friend, or former-JW group as a compass again; or very much want to find someone who says: “Just tell me what to do.” That last one is interesting. You can leave an authority and then unconsciously start looking for a new authority . So thinking independently also does not mean that from now on you must believe what other ex-Jehovah's Witnesses say. It means that in the end you are also allowed to examine their ideas. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH IT? Start small. Instead of immediately asking with every decision: “What should I do?” you can first ask yourself: “What do I think myself?” Then try to distinguish between four things: What have I learned? Which rules, beliefs, and expectations did I grow up with? What do I feel? Where do I feel fear, guilt, relief, curiosity, or resistance? What do I know? Which facts and information have I researched myself? What do I choose? Which choice ultimately fits my own values? You do not have to remove all influence from other people from your life. The goal is not: I don’t need anyone. A healthier starting point might be: I can listen to others without handing over my own voice. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT When I make an important decision, whose judgment do I hear first in my head? Do I know what I think myself before I ask others for advice? What choices do I make mainly to avoid rejection or disappointment? Do I feel responsible when other people are unhappy with my decision? Can someone I love disapprove of something and can I still stand by my choice? Which beliefs have I examined myself, and which have I mainly adopted from others? When I think “that’s not allowed” , can I explain why I think it’s wrong? Do I ask others for information, or really for permission? After leaving, have I started looking again for people who tell me what is true and what is not? Can I tolerate someone else having a different opinion without immediately doubting myself? And perhaps the most important question: If no one were judging me, what would I choose? SUMMARY Codependency is a broad concept that is not fully settled scientifically. It is used for certain relational patterns in which someone can become strongly focused on others and have difficulty, among other things, with their own boundaries, identity, self-worth, or autonomy. It is therefore better not to use it as a label, but as a prompt to look at patterns. When you have spent years living within a close family and faith community, it is not strange that the thoughts and judgments of important others have influenced how you view yourself and the world. That does not prove that codependency is present. The more important question is what is happening now . Can you listen to others and think for yourself? Can you be connected and have boundaries? Can you love your parents and believe something different? Can you ask for advice without needing permission? Independence does not mean you no longer need anyone. It means that among all the voices you have learned to know, room also opens up for your own. Sources for those who want to read further For EXJW.world, I would indeed add a small block here again with ‘Scientific sources and further reading’ . A recent systematic review from 2026 gives a good overview of what can and cannot currently be said scientifically about codependency. In addition, the older critical literature is useful, precisely because it explains why caution with the label codependent is important. Recent scientific review on codependency – PubMed Is codependency a meaningful concept? – PubMed