Recognizable questions

- Are there issues unrelated to the organization?

- Did I listen to my child enough?

- Did I do something that calls for a sincere apology?

- Can I apologize without immediately demanding something in return?

When your children cut off contact, that can be one of the hardest consequences of leaving the organization.

For many parents, this is not just about grief, but also about identity. You were a parent, caregiver, conversation partner, and part of their daily life. Suddenly you may be shut out of birthdays, relationships, grandchildren, and important milestones.

That loss can be overwhelming.

Avoid jumping to conclusions about their feelings

No contact does not always mean your child no longer loves you.

Your child may:

  • believe that keeping their distance is necessary;

  • be afraid of consequences within the congregation;

  • feel pressure from a spouse, family, or elders;

  • think that contact will stand in the way of your return;

  • be trying to prove loyalty to Jehovah;

  • be struggling with guilt and sorrow themselves;

  • not know how contact is possible without conflict.

These possibilities do not change the pain, but they can prevent you from seeing their behavior solely as hatred or indifference.

Leave the door open without losing yourself

A short, calm message can be more powerful than many urgent messages.

You can make it clear:

  • “I love you.”

  • “My door is always open.”

  • “You don’t have to give up your faith to have contact with me.”

  • “I respect that you are making your own choices.”

  • “I don’t want an argument or a doctrinal debate.”

  • “You can always reach out, even after a long time.”

After that, it may be necessary to give them space.

Many messages, unexpected visits, or attempts through others can be experienced by your child as pressure. Repeated rejection can also hurt you further.

Take responsibility where it is needed

Sometimes, alongside faith, there were also other issues in the relationship. There may have been conflict, emotional distance, control, or behavior your child suffered under.

Ask yourself honestly:

    A good apology does not include a “but.”

    For example, say: “I see that my behavior hurt you. I’m sorry. I want to listen when you are ever ready for that.”

    Do not take on blame for things you did not do, just to get contact back.

    Do not use grandchildren as leverage

    When you no longer have contact with grandchildren, despair can be great. Even so, it is important that children are not placed in a loyalty conflict.

    Avoid negative messages about their parents. Also, do not try to demand secret communication that puts the child in trouble.

    In serious concerns about the safety or well-being of minor grandchildren, professional or legal advice may be needed.

    Make a contact plan

    A contact plan can prevent you from having to decide every day all over again what to do.

    For example, decide:

    • how often you send a message;

    • at what times you reach out;

    • what tone you use;

    • which topics you avoid;

    • when you stop a conversation;

    • who supports you after a difficult response.

    You can also write letters that you do not send right away. That helps process emotions without putting further pressure on the relationship.

    Keep important information reachable

    Make sure your child knows how to reach you. If needed, let a trusted person know that your phone number, email address, or home address has stayed the same.

    Keep messages short, warm, and predictable. The goal is not to force a response right away, but to keep a safe path back open.

    Take care of yourself

    Loss of contact can lead to:

    • severe grief;

    • depressive symptoms;

    • social withdrawal;

    • physical stress;

    • alcohol or substance use;

    • loss of the will to live;

    • thoughts of suicide.

    Seek support before you become completely exhausted. Talk to a therapist, GP, fellow sufferer, or trusted person.

    If you have suicidal thoughts, you can call 113 or 0800-0113 in the Netherlands. In immediate danger, call 112.

    Keep living, even while you hold on to hope

    Some parents put their whole lives on hold while waiting for contact. Every day then becomes dominated by the question of whether the child will call.

    You are allowed to hold on to hope. But you are also allowed to build new relationships, enjoy yourself, travel, celebrate holidays, and make plans.

    Moving forward with your life is not a betrayal of your children.

    In closing

    You cannot force your child to restore contact. You can show that your love does not depend on belief, obedience, or apologies.

    Keep the door open where it is safe to do so. Respect boundaries. Take responsibility for your own part, but do not bear sole responsibility for a breakup enforced by religion.

    You remain a parent, even when you cannot fulfill that role for a time.