Z - Self-image

Recognizable questions

- Why do I doubt myself so often?

- Why do I sometimes feel less worthy than others?

- Why do I need so much reassurance from others?

- Why do I find it hard to trust my own choices?

- Why do I feel guilty when I choose for myself?

- Why do I sometimes no longer really know who I am or what suits me?

- Can the image I have of myself still change?

What is self-image?

Your self-image is the whole set of ideas and beliefs you have about yourself: who you think you are, what you are good or bad at, how you see yourself in relationships, and what you believe about your own traits.
This can include questions such as: Am I smart? Am I trustworthy? Am I attractive? Am I a good person? Am I allowed to make mistakes? Am I important?
Psychologists often speak of the self-concept. Research shows that this self-image consists of multiple areas. For example, you may see yourself as very competent at work, but insecure in social situations. So self-image is not one single score or judgment.

SELF-IMAGE

What do I believe
about myself?

      ↓

my traits
my abilities
my relationships
my identity
my values
my shortcomings

Self-image and self-worth are not exactly the same

Self-image is mainly about what you believe about yourself. Self-worth is more about how positively or negatively you judge yourself as a person.

SELF-IMAGE

‘I am quiet.’
‘I am caring.’
‘I find making
choices difficult.’


SELF-WORTH

‘Am I, despite
my strengths and weaknesses,
a person of worth?’

The two are connected, but not identical. For example, someone can know they are not good at something without therefore seeing themselves as less worthy.

How does a self-image develop?

A child is not born with a complete image of themselves. It develops during childhood and continues to develop afterward. Research on self-development shows that individual experiences and social and cultural influences both play a role in this.
Parents, brothers and sisters, school, friends, success, mistakes, compliments, criticism, culture, and groups you belong to all provide information through which you learn who you think you are.

Experience
    +
Responses from others
    +
What I learn about myself
    ↓
‘Apparently this is
who I am’
    ↓
Part of
my self-image

This does not mean that one negative remark automatically causes a negative self-image. Self-image develops from many experiences over a long period of time and differs greatly from person to person.

Why do other people's reactions have so much influence?

Children in particular depend heavily on important adults. They do not yet have years of experience with which to independently assess every message.
If a child receives appreciation, they may learn, for example: ‘I can do this.’ If a child often feels they fall short, a belief may develop more easily such as: ‘I never do it well enough.’
This does not mean parents should constantly praise their children or never correct them. Children also need boundaries and feedback. Psychologically, what matters most is the broader conclusion someone draws about themselves.

‘This behavior
did not go well’

is something different from

‘There is something
wrong with me’

Research into the development of self-image and self-worth shows that social experiences and the meaning people attach to them play a role in how they learn to judge themselves.

The same event, a different conclusion

Suppose two people at work make a mistake.
One thinks: ‘Too bad. I’ll fix it and pay better attention next time.’
The other thinks: ‘See? I can never do anything right.’

THE SAME MISTAKE
      ↓
Person A:

‘I made
a mistake’
      ↓
learning


Person B:

‘I am
a failure’
      ↓
self-image affected

The event is similar. The meaning assigned to it differs.
The same can happen with compliments. Someone with a more solid positive self-image can say: ‘Thank you.’ Someone who has trouble fitting positive information into their existing self-image may immediately think: ‘Oh, that doesn’t mean anything.’

A self-image can start to reinforce itself

Once you believe something about yourself, that belief can influence what you notice and how you interpret events.
For example, someone who strongly believes ‘I’m socially awkward’ may notice every awkward moment, while successful conversations are less likely to stick in memory.

‘I’m not
good enough’
      ↓
I pay extra attention to
mistakes and rejection
      ↓
Those stand out to me
more strongly
      ↓
‘See, I knew it’

That does not mean self-image is pure fantasy. Some judgments about ourselves can be fairly realistic. It is especially useful to examine which beliefs are supported by current facts and which have mainly become old conclusions.

How can this be recognisable in a religious setting?

Any long-term social environment can influence how someone judges themselves. That applies to families, schools, sports clubs, work, cultures, and religious communities.
Within a faith, a person may, for example, start to judge themselves partly by religious values: Am I obedient? Am I a good person? Am I living according to what I believe? Am I making choices that God agrees with?
That does not have to be negative. For many believers, such values actually provide direction, meaning, and a positive sense of identity.
Psychologically, it becomes especially interesting when a person’s worth as a person starts to overlap strongly with whether or not they meet expectations.

‘This is a standard
that matters
to me’
      ↓
can turn into
      ↓
‘If I don’t
meet this,
I’m worth less’

How can this be recognisable among (former) Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves describe parents teaching their children Bible-based values and beliefs, studying the Bible with them, and attending meetings. At the same time, the organization says that as children grow older they must decide for themselves whether they want to become Jehovah’s Witnesses.
For some current or former Witnesses, religious norms can become strongly intertwined with self-image. Possible internal thoughts might be, for example: ‘I need to do well spiritually,’ ‘Doubting says something bad about me,’ ‘I don’t want to disappoint anyone’ or ‘Can I even trust my own judgment?’
Not everyone develops such thoughts, and they do not have to come only from religion. Family, personality, school, past experiences, and other relationships can also play a role.
A useful question is therefore not:
‘Did the religion cause my self-image?’
but:

What messages
did I receive?
      ↓
Which ones did I
come to believe
about myself?
      ↓
Which of those do
I still endorse today?

When your environment changes but your self-image lags behind

A person can change their beliefs while old ideas about themselves continue to exist for a long time.
For example, someone may intellectually no longer believe that a certain choice is wrong, but still feel guilty or insecure about it.

My belief
changes
      ↓
but my old
self-image still says:

‘Can I even
trust myself?’

‘Am I being
selfish?’

‘Am I doing
this right?’

That is not unusual. Self-image and self-worth show a certain stability over longer periods, but research also shows that they are not fixed. They can change over the course of life.

A negative self-image is not the same as the truth

If you have thought for years ‘I’m insecure,’ ‘I’m stupid,’ ‘I’m difficult’ or ‘I’m not good enough’, such a statement can start to feel like a fact.
But a thought about yourself is still something that can be examined.

OLD BELIEF

‘I can’t make
good choices’

        ↓

EXAMINATION

What am I basing
this on?

When do I
succeed?

Is this always true?

        ↓

ADDING NUANCE

‘Some choices
I find difficult,
but I can learn
to make them myself’

A healthier self-image therefore does not have to mean that all negative qualities are replaced by positive ones.
‘I’m perfect’ is no more realistic than ‘I’m worthless.’
The goal is a more accurate, more nuanced, and less all-or-nothing picture of yourself.

Self-image and seeking reassurance

When you have little confidence in your own judgment, reassurance from others can offer temporary comfort.
‘Do you think I’m doing this well?’
‘Are you angry with me?’
‘Do you think I’m making the right choice?’
Asking for advice is normal. But when your own judgment only feels reliable after someone else has approved it, reassurance can become increasingly important.

Doubt myself
      ↓
Ask for reassurance
      ↓
Relief
      ↓
New decision
      ↓
Need reassurance
again

Then a useful exercise can be to write down first, before asking someone for advice: ‘What do I think myself?’

Self-image and mental well-being

Self-image and especially self-worth are closely linked to psychological well-being. Longitudinal research, for example, shows that low self-worth is associated with an increased vulnerability to later depressive symptoms; the relationship with anxiety has also been studied. That does not mean that low self-esteem automatically causes a mental disorder or that everyone with insecurity becomes depressed.
Research across the life span also shows that self-esteem can be relatively stable, while at the same time remaining changeable.

How can a self-image change?

A self-image usually doesn’t change because you tell yourself a hundred times: ‘I’m amazing.’
New beliefs become more credible when they are also matched by new experiences.

OLD BELIEF

‘You can’t trust
yourself’
      ↓
Make a small
choice of your own
      ↓
Experience that I
can handle it
      ↓
Another choice
      ↓
New information
about myself

That is why small experiences can matter: setting a boundary, not immediately brushing off a compliment, deciding something independently, correcting a mistake without writing yourself off, or noticing that someone disagrees with you and you still stay standing.

What can you do with this?

Don’t start with: ‘What’s wrong with me?’
Ask instead:

What do I believe
about myself?
      ↓
Where did I learn
that?
      ↓
Which experiences
support it?
      ↓
Which experiences
contradict it?
      ↓
What would be a
more accurate picture?

For example: ‘I’m weak’ can, after examination, change into ‘I find conflict difficult, but I have also gotten through hard situations in my life.’
Or ‘I can’t make decisions’ can become: ‘I’m used to seeking a lot of reassurance and want to learn to trust my own choices more.’
That is not artificial positive thinking. It is an attempt to make your self-image more complete.

Questions to reflect on

- Which words do I use most often to describe myself?

- From whom did I originally learn those words or ideas?

- Which traits of myself do I see easily, and which do I keep forgetting?

- When do I feel valuable, and what do I base my self-worth on?

- Which belief about myself do I treat as a fact without ever really examining it?

- How would I judge myself if I used the same standard as I do with someone I love?

- Which image of myself do I want to examine again?

Summary

Your self-image is the set of beliefs you hold about yourself. It is shaped in part by development, experiences, relationships, culture, and the groups you belong to.

What others
say about me

      +

what I experience

      +

how I interpret
it

      ↓

what I come to
believe about
myself

A self-image can feel familiar for years without being complete or unchangeable.
A healthy self-image does not mean:

‘I’m amazing
at everything’

but rather:

I have strong
and weak points

I am allowed to make mistakes

I can learn
and change

My value as a person
does not depend on one
achievement or judgment

Self-image is therefore not only the story you once learned about yourself. It is also a story you can keep examining, expanding, and adjusting.

Sources and further reading

Herbert W. Marsh & Richard Shavelson – Self-Concept: Its Multifaceted, Hierarchical Structure, 1985. Classic research on self-concept as a construct made up of different domains and self-assessments.
Susan Harter – The Construction of the Self: Developmental and Sociocultural Foundations, 2012. A comprehensive work on the development of self-concept and self-esteem from childhood onward, and the influence of individual and sociocultural factors. Guilford Press
Morris Rosenberg – Society and the Adolescent Self-Image, 1965. Classic research on self-esteem, self-image, and the social context in which they develop.
Ulrich Orth & Richard W. Robins – The Development of Self-Esteem, 2014. On the development and relative stability, as well as changeability, of self-esteem over the course of life.
Julia F. Sowislo & Ulrich Orth – Does Low Self-Esteem Predict Depression and Anxiety? A Meta-Analysis of Longitudinal Studies, 2013. Meta-analysis of the relationship between low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.
Jehovah’s Getuigen – Dwingen Jehovah’s Getuigen hun kinderen om hun geloof aan te hangen? Official explanation in which the organization describes how parents instill Bible-based values in their children and that children must later decide for themselves whether they want to accept the faith.

Lees ook

Self-compassion – How can you be kinder to yourself without avoiding responsibility?
Self-blame – When are you taking more responsibility onto yourself than is actually yours?
Internalization – How do messages from the outside become part of your inner voice?
Codependency – Why can other people’s opinions have so much influence on how you see yourself?
Autonomous thinking – How do you learn to trust your own judgment more?
Learned guilt – Why can guilt keep feeling like proof that something is wrong with you?