I have been disfellowshipped.

Recognizable questions What happens to my contacts now? Why does it feel as if my whole life has suddenly changed? Is it normal for relief and grief to alternate? How do I get through the first few weeks in practical terms? What do I do if acquaintances start keeping their distance from me? How do I deal with family members who are still Jehovah’s Witnesses? Do I need to decide right away whether I ever want to go back? Where can I turn if the loneliness or despair becomes too much? When you are removed from the congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, a lot can change in a short time. Maybe the decision came as a surprise. Maybe you knew it was coming. Maybe you had already distanced yourself from the faith. Maybe you still believe in Jehovah but were removed because of a certain course of conduct. Those situations are not the same. The consequences are not the same for everyone either. One person keeps in touch with certain family members or friends, while another sees a large part of their social circle change. When your social life has been closely intertwined with the congregation for years, removal can suddenly affect friendships, family contact, daily routine, identity, and outlook for the future . For some people, that feels like a shock. For others, it also feels like relief. And sometimes it’s both at once. First: what does “disfellowshipped” mean these days? Many Jehovah’s Witnesses and former Jehovah’s Witnesses know the word disfellowshipping . Since 2024, the organization itself has mostly used the wording removed from the congregation . According to the current official explanation, someone can be removed from the congregation if they have committed a serious sin, do not change despite the elders’ efforts, and are judged by them to show no repentance. After that, the congregation is only informed that that person is no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses . The reason is not disclosed in that announcement. According to the current JW guidelines, congregation members then do not have social contact with someone who has been removed from the congregation and do not share a meal with that person socially. At the same time, since 2024 the organization has explicitly said that a removed person does not necessarily have to be completely ignored. They may attend meetings, and individual Witnesses may decide, based on their conscience, to greet them there or invite them. For people whom the organization says are actively promoting apostate teaching or wrong conduct, a stricter application is described in which even greeting is avoided. That distinction is important: according to the current official explanation, not everyone who is removed from the congregation is in exactly the same situation. Your situation may be very different from someone else’s Some people lose almost their entire social network after removal. Others remain in contact with certain family members. Still others had already been living largely outside the congregation for years and notice less of a social difference. Family contact is also not the same in every situation. The official JW explanation says, for example, that when a removed husband lives in the same home with his wife and young children, the daily family bond and affection within the household do not necessarily have to change. With relatives outside the household, contact can in practice become much more limited. That is why it is better not to think: “Everyone who is disfellowshipped goes through exactly the same thing.” The more important question is: “Which relationships are changing in my situation, and what support do I need now?” When people suddenly start treating you differently Maybe last week you were still out in field service with someone, and now that person hardly says anything to you. Maybe messages stop coming. Maybe you are no longer invited. Maybe someone you’ve known for years walks right past you. That can hit hard. Not only because you miss someone, but also because your sense of your own place in the group suddenly changes. You may think: Was our friendship real after all? Am I a bad person now? Do they think Jehovah has rejected me? Do they still see me as the same person? Try to keep two things separate here: their religious decision about contact and your worth as a person . Those are not the same. A decision by elders does not determine your entire identity Within JW teaching, removal means that, according to the elders, someone at that moment does not meet the religious standards for membership in the congregation. That is a religious assessment within that organization . It is not the same as a full assessment of you as a person. You may have done something you truly regret. You may have made mistakes. Looking back, you may feel you hurt someone. Even then, you are more than the worst moment of your life. You can take responsibility for behavior without concluding: “So I’m worthless.” And you can regret something you did without automatically deciding that you therefore want to become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses again. Those are two different questions: Do I regret my behavior? and Do I want to belong to this religious organization again? The first few weeks do not have to be about big answers When your world has just changed, you do not need to figure out right away whether you will ever go back, exactly what you still believe, whether Jehovah exists, who is right, what your new social life should look like, or who you are now. The first few weeks can be much simpler: eat, sleep, work or go to school, shower, get outside, talk to someone, and get through the day. When your mind is constantly occupied with loss, fear, or conflict, ordinary structure can provide something to hold on to. The first goal does not have to be to build your new life immediately. It can simply be: get some ground under your feet again. Keep your basics as stable as possible Try to keep a few simple things going in the first period: sleep - try to keep roughly the same times; food - do not keep skipping meals; exercise - a daily walk may be enough; daylight - go outside for a bit every day; work or study - routine can provide structure if that is feasible; contact - try to have at least one person with whom you can be honest. You do not need to become happy immediately. Stability comes first. Seek support, but not only from people who think exactly the same way People who have been through it can be important. Someone who was once one of Jehovah’s Witnesses sometimes immediately understands what a Kingdom Hall, field service, Armageddon, or disfellowshipping can mean emotionally. But your entire new network does not have to consist of ex-JWs. Maybe there is a coworker, a relative who was never a JW, an old school friend, a neighbor, a sports buddy, or a professional. New connection does not have to be deep right away either. Sometimes rebuilding starts simply with noticing: there are people outside this one social world where I can still be welcome. What if you miss your family terribly? Maybe that is the hardest part. You do not just miss ‘the congregation.’ You miss your mother. Your father. Your brother. Your sister. Your children. Or people who felt like family for years. Then the thought may arise: If I go back, I get everyone back. Maybe restoring contact really does play an important role in your desire to return. Before you make a decision, it may therefore help to separate two questions: Do I want to go back because I believe again that this is my religion? and Do I want to go back because I miss my people? You do not have to condemn either answer. But the distinction can matter. A strong need for contact says something about how important people are to you. By itself, it does not prove which religious belief is true. What if I actually want to go back? That is allowed too. ExJW.World does not have to convince you to stay away. Maybe after researching you conclude that you want to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses again. Maybe you want to restore your relationship with Jehovah. Maybe you miss both your faith and your community. Or maybe you discover that it is mainly the loss of family and friends that is pulling you back. Explore those reasons calmly. You do not need to be ashamed of any of those answers. The central question remains: What do I believe and want, apart from the panic and loneliness of this moment? Relief is allowed too Not everyone feels only sadness. Maybe you think: It is finally over. No more conversations. No more double life. No more fear that someone will find out. No more constant tension. You can feel relief about that and five minutes later cry because you miss your mother. That is not contradictory. You can be glad that a situation is over and at the same time grieve what you lose because of it. When people ignore you When someone you know does not greet you or avoids social contact, that can be very painful. Try not to automatically assign every possible meaning yourself in that moment. You may not know exactly what the other person is thinking. That person may be convinced that keeping their distance is Biblically right. Maybe he or she feels sad or torn about it. Maybe someone is simply following what they have been taught. That does not necessarily change what the behavior does to you, but it can help distinguish between: ‘This person is avoiding contact with me’ and ‘I no longer exist for anyone.’ The first may be reality. The second is a conclusion about your entire world. You do not have to go looking for confrontations Maybe you want an explanation. You want to ask someone: How can you do this after twenty years of friendship? That need is understandable. But you don’t have to go into every conversation right now. If a certain place, meeting, or encounter is completely overwhelming you at this moment, it’s okay to step back. You get to decide how much you can handle at once. You can always decide again later. Be careful with big decisions made out of loneliness When almost everything is falling away at once, the need for connection can become enormous. That can make you more likely than usual to start a new relationship, move in with someone, make major financial decisions, drink heavily, go out constantly, or cling tightly to the first person who shows you attention. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to try anything new. But loneliness and acute stress can increase your need for quick safety and connection. So when making big decisions, ask yourself: Would I still do this if I felt less alone and less overwhelmed today? You don’t have to figure out everything about Jehovah’s Witnesses right away After being disfellowshipped, you may want to research day and night. Why did this happen? Is the arrangement right? What does 1 Corinthians 5 say? What has changed in 2024? What are other former JWs saying? That research is allowed. But you don’t have to do it all this week. If you notice that you’re barely sleeping and constantly watching videos, articles, and forums, it can help to deliberately build in periods when you are not preoccupied with Jehovah’s Witnesses . Not because you shouldn’t keep researching, but because your life is still going on in the meantime. You are more than this event. When you blame yourself After disfellowshipping, you may think: I brought this on myself. Maybe you did make choices that had consequences. Taking responsibility can be important. But responsibility is not the same as total self-condemnation. You can say: ‘I did something I regret’ without concluding: ‘I deserve to be alone.’ You can say: ‘I wish I had acted differently’ without: ‘My life is over now.’ And you can find the way others treat you afterward painful while still taking responsibility for your own part. Those two things can exist side by side. Grieving people who are still alive A particular kind of loss can arise when someone is still alive, but the relationship changes drastically or all but disappears. There is no funeral. No final goodbye. The person still exists. You may even know where they live. Technically, you could call them. But the relationship you knew no longer exists in the same way. Research among small groups of former Jehovah’s Witnesses describes experiences researchers have referred to as ‘grieving the living’ : grieving people who are still alive. That research is not large enough to say every former JW experiences this, but it can help put words to a particular kind of loss. You can grieve someone who is still there. Your identity can take a hit too If you spent years thinking ‘I am a Jehovah’s Witness’ , then the announcement ‘This person is no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses’ can mean more than just the loss of membership. Who am I now? Am I an ex-JW? A sinner? An apostate? Someone who needs to go back? Someone who is finally free? Maybe none of those labels. You don’t have to choose a new identity immediately. You are allowed to relearn who you are Start smaller: What do I enjoy? Which people calm me? Which values do I want to keep? What do I regret? What do I want to do differently? What do I still believe? What do I no longer believe? What don’t I know yet? What do I want to do with my time? Identity doesn’t have to return in one big revelation. It can emerge again from hundreds of small choices. Professional help can be wise Being removed from the congregation is not a mental health diagnosis. Not everyone who goes through this needs psychological treatment. But professional help can be valuable if you notice that you barely sleep anymore, can’t function, are becoming increasingly depressed, have panic attacks, feel constantly overwhelmed, use substances to numb your feelings, or no longer trust yourself. A counselor doesn’t have to be a Jehovah’s Witness specialist. More important is that they are willing to understand how religion, family, social environment, identity, and loss are connected in your situation and have not already decided that you should either go back to the organization or stay away from it. When the need is urgent Social exclusion and loss can hit some people very hard. If you start having thoughts of suicide or are afraid you might harm yourself, don’t wait until your next appointment. In the Netherlands, you can contact 113 Suicide Prevention via 113 or 0800-0113 day and night. In the event of immediate danger to life, call 112 . Your GP or out-of-hours GP service can also help and, if necessary, arrange further emergency care. An exercise for today Take one sheet of paper and make four boxes: What have I lost? - for example, congregation friends, routine, contact with my sister. What do I still have? - for example, work, housing, children, a colleague, health, myself. Who can I reach out to today? - for example, an old friend, relative, GP, or colleague. What do I not need to figure out today yet? - for example, whether Jehovah exists, whether I’ll go back, and what my whole future looks like. That last box in particular can be important. You do not have to sort out your whole life while you are still trying to understand what just happened. In closing Being removed from the congregation can be a very major transition for some people. Not because every disfellowshipped person loses exactly the same things. Not because every Jehovah’s Witness cuts off all contact. And not because your future is now set in stone. But when relationships, faith, routine, and identity have been strongly intertwined for years, a change in one of them can affect many things at once. So give yourself permission to stabilize first. To eat. To sleep. To cry. To be angry. To feel relieved. To call someone. To seek help. And to not yet know what you ultimately want. You do not have to decide today whether you will go back . And you also do not have to prove today that you will never go back . The first question can be much smaller: What do I need today to get through this day safely and with a little more solid ground under my feet? Sources JW.org - How do Jehovah’s Witnesses treat former fellow believers? The Watchtower - August 2024 - Help for Those Who Have Been Removed From the Congregation Ransom, Monk & Heim - Grieving the Living: The Social Death of Former Jehovah’s Witnesses Luther - What Happens to Those Who Exit Jehovah’s Witnesses: An Investigation of the Impact of Shunning 113 Suicide Prevention - help with suicidal thoughts Also read on ExJW.World Grieving a faith - Why losing faith, people, and your view of the future can feel like grief all at once. I miss my community - Do you miss the faith itself, the people, the structure, or mainly the feeling of belonging somewhere? My situation at a glance - A fill-in letter to help make your situation clear for your GP, mental health nurse, or psychologist. I want professional help - How do you find a counselor who takes your religious background seriously without deciding for you whether you should stay or leave?