Recognizable questions
- What happens to my contacts now?
- Why does it feel like my whole life has suddenly changed?
- Is it normal for relief and grief to alternate?
- How do I get through the first few weeks practically?
- What do I do if people I know start distancing themselves from me?
- How do I deal with family who are still Jehovah’s Witnesses?
- Do I have to decide right away whether I ever want to go back?
- Where can I turn if the loneliness or despair becomes too much?
When you are removed from the congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses, a lot can change in a short time. Maybe the decision came as a surprise. Maybe you saw it coming. Maybe you had already distanced yourself from the faith. Maybe you still believe in Jehovah but were removed because of certain behavior.
Those situations are not the same. The consequences are not the same for everyone either. Some people keep in touch with certain family members or friends, while others see a large part of their social world change. When your social life has been closely intertwined with the congregation for years, being removed can suddenly affect friendships, family contact, daily structure, identity, and your view of the future.
For some people, that feels like a shock. For others, it also feels like relief. And sometimes both at once.
First: what does ‘disfellowshipped’ mean nowadays?
Many Jehovah’s Witnesses and former Jehovah’s Witnesses know the word disfellowshipping. Since 2024, the organization itself usually uses the wording removed from the congregation.
According to the current official explanation, someone can be removed from the congregation if that person has committed a serious sin, does not change despite efforts by the elders, and in their judgment shows no repentance. After that, the congregation is only told that the person is no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The reason is not disclosed in that announcement.
According to the current JW guidelines, congregation members then do not have social interaction with someone who has been removed from the congregation and do not eat socially with that person. At the same time, since 2024 the organization has explicitly said that a removed person does not necessarily have to be completely ignored. He or she may attend meetings, and individual Witnesses may decide, based on their conscience, to greet the person there or invite them.
For people who, according to the organization, actively promote apostate teachings or wrong conduct, a stricter application is described in which even greeting is avoided. That distinction is important: according to the current official explanation, not everyone who is removed from the congregation is in exactly the same situation.
Your situation may look very different from someone else’s
Some people lose almost their entire social network after being removed. Others stay in contact with certain family members. Still others have already been living mostly outside the congregation for years and notice less of a social difference.
Family contact is not the same in every situation either. The official JW explanation says, for example, that when a removed husband lives in the same home with his wife and young children, the daily family bond and affection within the family do not necessarily have to change. With relatives outside the household, contact can in practice become much more limited.
That is why it is better not to think: ‘Everyone who is disfellowshipped experiences exactly the same thing.’ The more important question is: ‘Which relationships are changing in my situation, and what support do I need now?’
When people suddenly start treating you differently
Maybe last week you were still in field service with someone, and now that person hardly says anything to you. Maybe messages disappear. Maybe you are no longer invited. Maybe someone you have known for years walks right past you.
That can hit hard. Not only because you miss someone, but also because your sense of your own place in the group suddenly changes. You may think: Was our friendship real? Am I now a bad person? Do they think Jehovah has rejected me? Do they still see me as the same person?
Try to separate two things: their religious decision about contact and your worth as a person. They are not the same.
A decision by elders does not determine your entire identity
Within JW teaching, removal means that according to the elders, at that moment a person does not meet the religious standards for membership in the congregation. That is a religious assessment within that organization. It is not the same as a full assessment of you as a person.
You may have done something you truly regret. You may have made mistakes. Maybe, looking back, you feel you hurt someone. Even then, you are more than the worst moment of your life. You can take responsibility for your behavior without concluding: ‘So I’m worthless.’
And you can regret something you did without automatically deciding that you want to become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses again. Those are two different questions: Do I regret my behavior? and Do I want to belong to this religious organization again?
The first few weeks don’t have to be about big answers
When your world has just changed, you do not have to figure out right away whether you will ever go back, exactly what you still believe, whether Jehovah exists, who is right, what your new social life should look like, or who you are now.
The first few weeks can be much simpler: eating, sleeping, working or going to school, showering, going outside, talking to someone, and getting through the day.
When your mind is constantly occupied with loss, fear, or conflict, ordinary structure can provide something to hold on to. The first goal does not have to be to build your new life immediately. It can simply be: getting some ground under your feet again.
Keep your basics as stable as possible
In the first period, try to keep a few simple things in place: sleep - try to keep roughly the same times; food - don’t keep skipping meals; exercise - a daily walk may be enough; daylight - go outside a little every day; work or study - routine can help you stay grounded if that’s possible; contact - try to have at least one person you can be honest with.
You do not have to be happy right away. Stability comes first.
Seek support, but not only from people who think exactly the same way
People who have been through it can be important. Someone who has themselves been one of Jehovah’s Witnesses sometimes immediately understands what a Kingdom Hall, field service, Armageddon, or being disfellowshipped can mean emotionally.
But your entire new network does not have to consist of ex-JWs. Maybe there is a coworker, a family member who was never a JW, an old school friend, a neighbor, a sports buddy, or a professional.
New connection does not have to be deep right away either. Sometimes rebuilding starts simply with noticing: there are people outside this one social world with whom I can be welcome.
What if you miss your family terribly?
Maybe that is the most painful part. You don’t just miss ‘the community.’ You miss your mother. Your father. Your brother. Your sister. Your children. Or people who felt like family for years.
Then the thought may arise: If I go back, I’ll get everyone back.
Maybe restoring contact really is an important part of your desire to return. Before you make a decision, it can help to keep two questions separate: Do I want to go back because I believe again that this is my religion? and Do I want to go back because I miss my people?
You do not have to judge either answer. But the distinction can matter. A strong need for contact says something about how important people are to you. By itself, it does not prove which religious belief is true.
What if I actually want to go back?
That’s okay too.
ExJW.World does not have to convince you to stay away. Maybe after doing your research you conclude that you want to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses again. Maybe you want to restore your relationship with Jehovah. Maybe you miss both your faith and your community. Or maybe you discover that it is mainly the loss of family and friends that draws you back.
Examine those reasons calmly. You do not need to be ashamed of any of those answers.
The central question remains: What do I believe and want, apart from the panic and loneliness of this moment?
Relief can exist too
Not everyone feels only sadness. Maybe you think: It’s finally over. No more conversations. No more double life. No more fear that someone will find out. No more constant tension.
You might feel relief about that and cry five minutes later because you miss your mother. That is not contradictory. You can be glad a situation is over and at the same time grieve what you are losing because of it.
When people ignore you
When someone you know does not greet you or avoids social contact, that can be deeply painful. Try at such a moment not to automatically assign every possible meaning yourself. You may not know exactly what the other person is thinking.
That person may be convinced that keeping their distance is biblically right. They may themselves feel sad or torn about it. They may simply be following what they were taught. That does not necessarily change what their behavior does to you, but it can help distinguish between: ‘This person is avoiding contact with me’ and ‘I no longer exist for anyone.’
The first may be true. The second is a conclusion about your whole world.
You do not have to seek out confrontations
Maybe you want an explanation. You want to ask someone: How can you do this after twenty years of friendship? That need is understandable.
But you do not have to have every conversation right now. If a certain place, meeting, or encounter is completely overwhelming you at the moment, you are allowed to step back. You are allowed to decide for yourself how much you can handle at once. Later, you can always decide again.
Be careful about making big decisions out of loneliness
When almost everything falls away at once, the need for connection can become enormous. That can make you more likely than usual to start a new relationship, move in with someone, make major financial decisions, drink heavily, go out constantly, or cling strongly to the first person who pays attention to you.
That does not mean you are not allowed to do anything new. But loneliness and acute stress can increase your need for quick safety and connection.
So when making major decisions, ask yourself: Would I do this if I felt less alone and less shaken today?
You do not have to figure out everything about Jehovah’s Witnesses right away
Maybe after your removal you want to research day and night. Why did this happen? Is the arrangement right? What does 1 Corinthians 5 say? What changed in 2024? What are other former JWs saying?
That research is fine. But you do not have to do it all this week.
If you notice that you are barely sleeping and constantly watching videos, reading articles, and browsing forums, it may help to deliberately build in periods when you are not occupied with Jehovah’s Witnesses. Not because you should not keep researching, but because your life is still going on in the meantime.
You are more than this event.
When you blame yourself
After being removed, you may think: I brought this on myself.
Maybe you really did make choices that had consequences. Taking responsibility can be important. But responsibility is something different from total self-condemnation.
You can say: ‘I did something I regret’ without concluding: ‘I deserve to be alone.’ You can say: ‘I wish I had acted differently’ without: ‘My life is over now.’
And you can find it painful how others treat you afterward while still taking responsibility for your own part. Those two things can exist side by side.
Mourning people who are still alive
A particular form of loss can arise when someone is still alive, but the relationship changes drastically or almost disappears. There is no funeral. No final goodbye. The person still exists. You may know where he lives. Technically, you could call him. But the relationship you knew no longer exists in the same way.
Research among small groups of former Jehovah’s Witnesses describes experiences that researchers have referred to as ‘grieving the living’: mourning people who are still alive. That research is not large enough to say that every former JW experiences this in the same way, but it can help give words to a very particular kind of loss.
You can grieve someone who is still here.
Your identity can take a hit too
If for years you thought ‘I am a Jehovah’s Witness’, then being told ‘This person is no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses’ can mean more than just the loss of membership.
Who am I now? Am I an ex-JW? A sinner? An apostate? Someone who needs to go back? Someone who is finally free?
Maybe none of those labels. You do not have to choose a new identity immediately.
You are allowed to relearn who you are
Start smaller: What do I enjoy? Which people give me peace? Which values do I want to keep? What do I regret? What do I want to do differently? What do I still believe? What do I no longer believe? What do I not know yet? What do I want to do with my time?
Identity does not have to come back in one big realization. It can emerge again from hundreds of small choices.
Professional help can be wise
Being removed from the congregation is not a psychiatric diagnosis. Not everyone who goes through this needs psychological treatment.
But professional help can be valuable when you notice that you are barely sleeping, no longer functioning, becoming increasingly depressed, having panic attacks, constantly feeling overwhelmed, using substances to numb your feelings, or no longer trusting yourself.
A helper does not need to be a specialist in Jehovah’s Witnesses. More important is that they are willing to understand how religion, family, social environment, identity, and loss are connected in your situation, and that they have not already decided that you must go back to the organization or, conversely, stay away from it.
When the need is urgent
Social exclusion and loss can hit some people very hard. If you are having thoughts of suicide or are afraid you may harm yourself, do not wait for your next appointment.
In the Netherlands, you can contact 113 Suicide Prevention via 113 or 0800-0113 day and night. In immediate danger of life-threatening harm, call 112. Your GP or the out-of-hours GP service can also help and, if necessary, arrange further urgent care.
An exercise for today
Take one sheet of paper and make four boxes:
What have I lost? - for example, congregation friends, routine, contact with my sister.
What do I still have? - for example, work, housing, children, a colleague, health, myself.
Who can I reach out to today? - for example, an old friend, family member, GP, or colleague.
What do I not need to solve today yet? - for example, whether Jehovah exists, whether I will return, and what my whole future looks like.
That last box, especially, can be important.
You do not need to sort out your whole life while you are still trying to understand what just happened.
In closing
Being removed from the congregation can be a very major transition for some people. Not because every disfellowshipped person loses exactly the same things. Not because every Jehovah’s Witness cuts off all contact. And not because your future is now fixed.
But when relationships, faith, routine, and identity have been strongly intertwined for years, a change in one of them can affect many things at once.
So give yourself permission to stabilize first. To eat. To sleep. To cry. To be angry. To feel relieved. To call someone. To seek help. And to still not know what you ultimately want.
You do not have to decide today whether you will go back. Nor do you have to prove today that you will never go back.
The first question may be much smaller:
What do I need today to get through this day safely and with a little more solid ground beneath my feet?
Sources
JW.org - How do Jehovah’s Witnesses treat former fellow believers?
The Watchtower - August 2024 - Help for those removed from the congregation
Ransom, Monk & Heim - Grieving the Living: The Social Death of Former Jehovah’s Witnesses
Luther - What Happens to Those Who Exit Jehovah’s Witnesses: An Investigation of the Impact of Shunning
113 Suicide Prevention - help with thoughts of suicide
