Questions to reflect on
- For parents who leave Jehovah's Witnesses, an extra layer is added to the recovery process. You’re not only thinking about your own freedom, but also about your children’s freedom and well-being. What do you tell them?
- How do you talk about family members who are still Jehovah's Witnesses?
- What do you do about birthdays, holidays, Armageddon, prayer, blood transfusions, school activities, and loyalty conflicts?
Many parents want to keep their children from experiencing the same fear, guilt, or uncertainty they themselves felt. At the same time, they don’t want to burden their children with adult conflicts. Finding that balance isn’t easy. Honesty matters, but children need explanations that fit their age and stage of development.
Your child needs safety
Children develop best when they feel safe, are allowed to be themselves, and dare to ask questions. That aligns with what psychologists describe as an important condition for healthy development (see also the article on Maslow’s pyramid).
A helpful foundational phrase can be:
"You can ask me anything."
For children growing up in an environment where different beliefs coexist, that is a powerful message. Questions are not punished. Doubt does not have to be scary. Love is not dependent on agreeing.
The most important thing you can give your child is the feeling that it is safe to be themselves.
Make room for questions
Within Jehovah's Witnesses, answers are strongly guided by the organization’s publications and guidelines. As a result, many children experience little room to explore questions for themselves.
Try to create a different atmosphere at home. Show that no question is stupid, wrong, or forbidden. Even if you don’t know the answer, you can honestly say:
"I actually don’t know."
Children do not need perfect answers. They need parents with whom they feel safe.
Help your child think independently
The goal is not for your child to adopt your opinion. The goal is for them to learn to think for themselves.
Instead of giving direct answers, you can ask questions like:
- "What do you think about that?"
- "How does that make you feel?"
- "Why do you think that?"
This helps a child develop their own conscience, their own identity, and their own way of thinking. You are not the one who decides who your child should become. You guide your child as they discover who they are.
Dealing with family members who are still Jehovah's Witnesses
When children have contact with family members who are still Jehovah's Witnesses, it is wise to make clear, calm agreements in advance.
For example:
Grandpa and Grandma may share what they believe, but they may not frighten you.
You never have to keep secrets about conversations that upset you.
If someone says that dad or mom is making the wrong choices because he or she is no longer a Jehovah's Witness, you may always tell us at home.
Respect for family should never come at the expense of your child’s safety.
Fear of Armageddon
Some children are afraid that the world will soon be destroyed or that they will lose their parents. Take that fear seriously.
Don’t just say:
"That’s nonsense."
For a frightened child, that often doesn’t help.
You could say, for example:
"I understand that this scares you. I don’t believe you need to be afraid that the world will end tomorrow. In our home, we can talk calmly about difficult subjects."
Safety grows when a child feels heard.
Holidays and birthdays
For some families, holidays feel like a liberation. For others, they bring up tension, shame, or grief. Both reactions are normal.
You don’t have to tackle everything all at once. Start small.
Maybe with:
a cake;
a card;
a gift;
dinner out;
a few decorations.
Most of all, ask your child what they want.
Do you want to celebrate your birthday?
If so, how?
If not, that’s fine too.
Nothing is required. There is no right or wrong. The most important thing is that your child experiences joy and celebration as something safe.
Loyalty conflicts
Many children feel torn between parents and family members.
So try to keep speaking about family respectfully.
You could say, for example:
"Grandpa and Grandma really believe this. We make different choices."
That way, you do not approve of harmful behavior, but you also prevent your child from feeling they have to choose between people they love.
Also try not to persuade your child that the faith is untrue. Children raised as Jehovah's Witnesses often know no other reality. New information can be confusing and can trigger resistance.
Give your child time, above all.
Questions often arise naturally when children feel safe.
Feelings can also coexist.
A child may miss grandma and grandpa and be angry.
A child may love family members who are Jehovah’s Witnesses and still find some rules difficult.
That is healthy.
Don’t place your own grief on your child’s shoulders
Leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses often brings a great deal of grief. You may lose family, lose friends, and say goodbye to a life that was important to you for many years.
That grief is allowed.
Just try not to make your child responsible for it. Your child does not have to carry your loss. Children already have enough to process of their own.
So seek support from other adults, peers, or a counselor too.
Give your child freedom of choice
Wherever possible, give your child room to make choices for themselves.
Maybe they want to go along to a family gathering once.
Maybe not.
Maybe they want to know more about your former faith.
Maybe they don’t want to talk about it at all for now.
By making space, you break the pattern in which one authority decides what someone must think, feel, or believe.
When should you seek help?
Some children need extra support.
Signs can include:
nightmares;
fear of Armageddon or death;
feelings of guilt;
compulsive praying;
being afraid to enjoy themselves;
depression;
panic around religious topics.
Take these signs seriously.
Discuss your concerns with your GP. They can refer you to the POH-GGZ, a mental health practice support worker. This kind of support is low-threshold, and children can often be seen quickly. If more specialized help is needed, the GP can refer to a psychologist or a specialized mental health care facility.
It is helpful if a professional has some knowledge of religious trauma or of Jehovah’s Witnesses. As background information, you may want to recommend the documentary Jehovah – Van God los, so the therapist better understands the environment in which your child grew up.
You do not have to be a perfect parent
After leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses, many parents feel pressure to get everything right now.
But perfect parents do not exist.
You will make mistakes.
That is part of parenting.
Simply by saying honestly:
"Sorry, I would have wanted to do that differently."
you show your child that people are allowed to learn, grow, and make amends for mistakes.
That may well be one of the most important lessons you can give your child.
In closing
Parenting after Jehovah’s Witnesses is ultimately not about replacing one belief with another.
It is about creating a home where love is not dependent on obedience, where questions are welcome, and where a child is allowed to discover who they are.
You do not have to tell your child what to think.
The greatest gift you can give is the freedom to learn how to think for themselves.
After leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses, children do not need perfect parents. They need safety, the freedom to be themselves, and the honesty to make difficult topics discussable together.
