Raising children after Jehovah's Getuigen

For parents who leave Jehovah's Getuigen, an extra layer is added to the healing process. You are not only thinking about your own freedom, but also about the freedom and well-being of your children. What do you tell them? How do you talk about family who are still Jehovah's Getuige? What do you do with birthdays, holidays, Armageddon, prayer, blood transfusions, school activities, and loyalty conflicts? Many parents want to prevent their children from experiencing the same fear, guilt, or uncertainty as they did themselves. At the same time, they do not want to burden their children with adult conflicts. Finding that balance is not easy. Honesty is important, but children need explanations that fit their age and development. Your child needs safety Children develop best when they feel safe, are allowed to be themselves, and dare to ask questions. This aligns with what psychologists describe as an important condition for healthy development (see also the article on the pyramid of Maslow). A helpful starting sentence can be: "With me, you can ask anything." For children growing up in an environment where different beliefs exist side by side, that is a powerful message. Questions are not punished. Doubt does not have to be scary. Love is not dependent on having the same opinion. The most important thing you can give your child is the feeling that it is safe to be themselves. Make questions welcome Within Jehovah's Getuigen, answers are strongly guided by the organization's publications and directives. As a result, many children experience little room to explore questions for themselves. Try to create a different atmosphere at home. Show that no question is stupid, wrong, or forbidden. Even if you do not know the answer, you can honestly say: "Actually, I don't know." Children do not need perfect answers. They need parents with whom they feel safe. Help your child think independently The goal is not for your child to adopt your opinion. The goal is for them to learn to think for themselves. Instead of giving answers right away, you can ask questions such as: "What do you think about that yourself?" "How do you feel about that?" "Why do you think that?" That way, a child develops its own conscience, its own identity, and its own way of thinking. You are not the one who decides who your child must become. You guide your child while it discovers who it is itself. Dealing with family who are still Jehovah's Getuige When children have contact with family members who are still Jehovah's Getuige, it is wise to make clear, calm agreements in advance. For example: Grandpa and grandma may tell you what they believe, but they may not scare you. You never have to keep secrets about conversations that make you anxious. If someone says that dad or mom is making bad choices because he or she is no longer a Jehovah's Getuige, you may always tell that at home. Respect for family should never come at the expense of your child's safety. Fear of Armageddon Some children are afraid that the world will soon be destroyed or that they will lose their parents. Take that fear seriously. Don't just say: "That's nonsense." For a frightened child, that often does not feel helpful. You can, for example, say: "I understand that this scares you. I don't believe you need to be afraid that the world will end tomorrow. In our home, we can talk calmly about difficult subjects." Safety arises when a child feels heard. Holidays and birthdays For some families, holidays feel like a liberation. For others, they bring tension, shame, or sadness. Both reactions are normal. You do not have to do everything big all at once. Start small. Maybe with: a cake; a card; a gift; a dinner out; a few streamers. Above all, ask what your child wants. Do you want to celebrate your birthday? If so, how? If not, that is fine too. Nothing has to happen. There is no right or wrong. The most important thing is that your child experiences joy and celebration as something safe. Loyalty conflicts Many children feel torn between parents and family members. Therefore, try to speak respectfully about family. You can, for example, say: "Grandpa and grandma really believe this. We make different choices." In doing so, you do not approve of harmful behavior, but you do prevent your child from feeling forced to choose between people they love. Also, try not to persuade your child that the faith is untrue. Children who grew up as Jehovah's Getuigen often know no other reality. New information can be confusing and can trigger resistance. So give your child time. Questions often arise naturally when children feel safe. Feelings can also exist alongside one another. A child is allowed to miss grandparents and be angry. A child is allowed to love family who are Jehovah's Getuigen and find some rules difficult. That is healthy. Do not put your own grief on your child’s shoulders Leaving Jehovah's Getuigen often brings a great deal of grief. You may lose family, lose friends, and say goodbye to a life that was important to you for years. That grief is allowed to be there. Just try not to make your child responsible for it. They do not have to carry your loss. Children already have enough to process on their own. So seek support from other adults, peers, or a professional helper as well. Give your child freedom of choice Where possible, give your child room to make their own choices. Maybe they want to go to a family gathering once. Maybe they do not. Maybe they want to know more about your former faith. Maybe they do not want to talk about it at all for now. By making space, you break the pattern in which one authority decides what someone must think, feel, or believe. When do you seek help? Some children need extra support. Signs can include: nightmares; fear of Armageddon or death; feelings of guilt; compulsive praying; not daring to enjoy themselves; feeling down; panic around religious topics. Take these signs seriously. Discuss your concerns with your general practitioner. They can refer you to the POH-GGZ, a mental health practice nurse. This support is accessible and children can often be seen quickly. When more specialized help is needed, the general practitioner can refer you to a psychologist or a specialized GGZ institution. It is helpful when a professional has some knowledge of religious trauma or of Jehovah's Getuigen. As background information, you could optionally recommend the documentary Jehovah – Van God los , so that the therapist better understands the environment in which your child grew up. You do not have to be a perfect parent Many parents feel pressure after leaving Jehovah's Getuigen to do everything right now. But perfect parents do not exist. You will make mistakes. That is part of raising children. By honestly saying: "Sorry, I would have wanted to do that differently." you show your child that people are allowed to learn, grow, and repair mistakes. That may well be one of the most important lessons you can give your child. In closing Raising children after Jehovah's Getuigen is ultimately not about replacing one belief with another. It is about creating a home in which love is not dependent on obedience, where questions are welcome, and where a child is allowed to discover themselves. You do not have to tell your child what to think. The best thing you can give them is the freedom to learn how to think for themselves. After leaving Jehovah's Getuigen, children do not need perfect parents. They need safety , the freedom to be themselves, and the honesty to make difficult topics discussable together.