Recognizable questions
- Have you ever noticed how intense it can get when you and your partner want to raise children in very different ways when it comes to faith or life choices?
- Do you recognize the feeling that your child can get caught between two parents when you disagree about what is best for the family?
- Have you ever struggled with the question of how honest you can be with your children about your own beliefs without putting down the other parent?
- Do you recognize the stress that can arise when decisions about medical care, holidays, or meetings suddenly become highly charged?
- Have you ever needed a way to calmly keep boundaries in your family while still wanting to preserve the bond with your children and your partner?
A “mixed” family — in which one parent is an active JW and the other has left — poses challenges for both. This article focuses specifically on the situation of the parent who has left and is trying to keep a family together.
What makes it complex
Children are exposed to two worlds that sometimes send conflicting messages
The believing parent may have the impression that the departed parent is “leading the children away from God”
The departed parent worries about the organization’s influence on the children
Decisions about medical treatment, holidays, school choices, and friendships can be sources of conflict
What research says about children in mixed families
Research into children with parents from different religious backgrounds shows that what matters less to children is which faith their parents have than how the parents handle the difference. Children who see their parents dealing respectfully with the difference typically develop a healthy identity of their own. Children who get caught in the struggle between two parents are more likely to experience loyalty conflicts.
Practical principles
Never speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children — not even about their faith. That applies to both of you.
Make agreements about what you decide together — attending meetings, blood policy in medical treatment, holidays — and stick to them as much as possible.
Let children ask their own questions without filling in the answers for them. “What do you think?” is a fairer question than “this is how it is.”
Blood policy: a concrete concern
If one parent wants to follow the JW blood policy and the other does not, it is preferable to set out in advance: who decides in emergencies? In the Netherlands, each parent with legal parental authority has a say. In an acute danger to the child, a doctor will seek consent and, if necessary, involve a judge if the parents disagree. Discuss this with your family doctor or pediatrician before there is a crisis.
When mediation is useful
If communication breaks down — about parenting, religion, or the family in general — consider mediation. A family therapist or mediator with knowledge of religious differences can help establish principles that work for both of you.
Your own boundaries
You can be loyal to your children and to your own integrity at the same time. You do not have to pretend that you believe. You are allowed to tell your children: “Dad/mom believes this; I see it differently.” Children are helped more by honesty than by a false reality.
