Raising children when your partner still believes

A ‘mixed’ family — where one parent is an active JG and the other has left — presents challenges for both. This article focuses specifically on the situation of the parent who has left and is trying to hold a family together. What makes it complex Children are exposed to two worlds that sometimes send conflicting messages The believing parent may get the impression that the parent who left is ‘leading the children away from God’ The parent who left worries about the organization’s influence on the children Decisions about medical treatment, holidays, school choices, and friendships can become sources of conflict What research says about children in mixed families Research into children with parents from different religious backgrounds shows that what matters less to children is which faith the parents have than how the parents handle the difference. Children who see their parents dealing respectfully with the difference typically develop a healthy identity of their own. Children who get caught in the struggle between two parents are more likely to develop loyalty conflicts. Practical starting points Never speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children — not even about their faith. That applies to both of you. Make agreements about what you decide together — meetings, blood policy in medical treatment, holidays — and stick to them as much as possible. Let children ask their own questions without filling in the answers for them. ‘What do you think?’ is a fairer question than ‘this is how it is’. Blood policy: a concrete concern If one parent wants to follow the JG blood policy and the other does not, it is best to set this out in advance: who decides in emergencies? In the Netherlands, each parent with parental authority has a say. In acute danger to the child, a doctor will seek consent and, if necessary, involve a judge if the parents disagree. Discuss this with the family doctor or pediatrician before there is a crisis. When mediation is useful If communication breaks down — about parenting, religion, or the family in general — consider mediation. A family therapist or mediator with knowledge of worldview differences can help set out principles that work for both of you. Your own boundaries You can be loyal to your children and to your own integrity at the same time. You do not have to pretend to believe. You are allowed to say to your children: ‘Dad/Mom believes this, I think differently.’ Children are helped more by honesty than by a false reality.