Recognizable Questions
- My child says one thing with one parent and something else with the other. Is my child lying, or trying to keep both of us happy?
- What do I do if my child suddenly doesn’t want to celebrate Sinterklaas or a birthday anymore?
- Should I explain what it means to become an unbaptized publisher, or would I be influencing my child by doing that?
- How do I talk about Jehovah’s Witnesses without tearing down the other parent’s faith?
- What if I’m afraid my child will eventually choose the faith and the other parent and distance themselves from me?
- And when am I allowed or supposed to step in if I think my child is under pressure?
If you are divorced from a partner who is a Jehovah’s Witness or remains one, co-parenting can bring additional challenges.
Your child may grow up with different rules, beliefs, and expectations. With one parent, meetings, field service, and other religious activities may be part of everyday life. With the other parent, birthdays, Sinterklaas, or Christmas may be celebrated, and different values and rules may apply in certain areas.
Those differences do not have to be a problem in themselves.
It becomes especially complicated when a child feels that choosing one way of life also means rejecting the other parent.
A child can end up caught between two parents
Children are often loyal to both parents.
A child may therefore very well tell their JW parent:
“Yes, I want to become an unbaptized publisher.”
And tell the other parent:
“I’m not really sure yet whether I want that.”
The first reaction may be:
But who is my child lying to then?
Still, such a difference does not have to be only about lying or manipulation. A child may be trying to sense which answer each parent wants to hear.
Underneath the behavior, there may actually be a different question:
“How can I be honest without hurting Dad or Mom?”
For that reason, a child may withhold things, adjust answers, not say what they did at the other parent’s house, or try to reassure both parents.
That is exactly why it is important that a child is not constantly asked to take sides.
How can tension show up in a child?
A child usually does not say:
“I’m dealing with a loyalty conflict.”
Tension can show up in all kinds of ways.
For example, a child may:
become angry or irritable more quickly;
suddenly explode over small things;
withdraw;
say less;
constantly try to please everyone;
be afraid of disappointing Dad or Mom;
give different answers to both parents;
have trouble making choices;
worry or sleep badly;
feel guilty when they enjoy something at the other parent’s place;
be afraid of Armageddon or of what, according to the faith, will happen to a parent;
feel like they can never do right by everyone;
become anxious or depressed.
Sometimes more serious problems can arise, such as depressive symptoms or self-harm.
It is important not to automatically attribute such serious symptoms to religion or to the divorce. Self-harm, severe depression, and anxiety can have different causes and deserve professional attention.
But it is wise, when behavior changes, not to ask only:
“Why is my child being so difficult?”
but also:
“What tension might my child be carrying?”
What if your child doesn’t want to celebrate Sinterklaas or their birthday
As an ex-JW parent, you may think:
This isn’t coming from my child. Someone told them this.
You may even feel certain that without the influence of the other parent, your child would want to go after all.
Still, it usually does not help to say:
“You don’t want that at all. Dad/Mom put that into your head.”
That puts the child back between two positions.
You could say, for example:
“That’s fine. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. If you feel differently later, that’s fine too.”
That does not automatically mean you accept the religious belief behind the choice.
You are giving your child something else:
the freedom to say no today and maybe think differently tomorrow.
Even if you suspect a choice has been strongly influenced by the other parent or the religious environment, your response does not have to become the opposite kind of influence.
Encourage independent thinking, not a new dogma
When you’ve left Jehovah’s Witnesses yourself, you may feel the need to warn your child or explain certain viewpoints.
After all, you know the faith from the inside. There may be things you now think:
If only someone had told me this sooner.
Even so, there is a difference between teaching your child to think and telling your child what to think.
Instead of:
“That’s not right. Armageddon isn’t going to happen like that at all.”
you could, for example, ask:
“What have you heard about that?”
“What do you think about it yourself?”
“How could you find out whether something is true?”
“Are there people who think differently about it?”
“Do you feel allowed to ask questions about this?”
“How does that idea feel to you?”
So critical or independent thinking does not mean:
“Teach your child that the other parent’s faith is wrong.”
It means:
“Teach your child that they are allowed to ask questions, examine information, hear different viewpoints, and ultimately form their own conclusion.”
That applies both ways.
Your child does not have to automatically believe the JW parent.
But neither does it have to automatically believe the ex-JW parent.
Speak respectfully about the other parent
However difficult your relationship with your ex-partner may be, try to distinguish between:
“I disagree with what dad/mom believes.”
and:
“Dad/mom is stupid, brainwashed, or bad.”
For a child, the believing parent is not just a Jehovah’s Witness.
It is their father or mother.
When you constantly attack the other parent’s identity or intelligence, the child may experience that as an attack on someone they love — and sometimes even as an attack on part of themselves.
Speaking respectfully does not mean you may not say anything critical.
You can, for example, say:
“Dad believes that. I used to believe that too. By now I think differently about it. If you ever want to know why, I’ll explain it to you.”
That gives information without expecting the child to immediately adopt your conclusion.
What does it mean to become an unbaptized publisher?
This is an important point when a child is growing up with the JW parent and says they want to become an unbaptized publisher.
Within Jehovah’s Witnesses, that is a concrete religious step.
According to their own publications, elders speak with someone before that person is approved as an unbaptized publisher. Among other things, they look at whether the person believes the basic teachings, lives by the standards, and truly wants to participate in the preaching work.
With a child, two elders may discuss with the child and the believing parent whether the child qualifies. Their own instructions then say that the child is encouraged to set baptism as a goal.
Jehovah’s Witnesses have material for parents and children titled ‘Become an Unbaptized Publisher’.
Older official instructions also state that an unbaptized publisher who is moving toward baptism is expected to attend meetings regularly and participate in field service.
So it is understandable that a non-JW parent would want their child to understand what this step involves.
Can you inform your child about this?
Protecting a child from pressure does not mean you should withhold important information.
You can explain what being an unbaptized publisher means according to Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves, without saying:
“You are not allowed to do this.”
For example:
“If this is something you want, I want you to first understand clearly what you’re choosing. Let’s look together at what Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves say about unbaptized publishers.”
Then you can ask:
“Why do you want this?”
“What things will be expected of you afterward?”
“Do you personally feel comfortable with those expectations?”
“What if you don’t want to preach or go to a meeting for a while?”
“Do you feel like you’d also be allowed later to say you no longer want to do this?”
“Would you still want this if dad or mom had absolutely no opinion about it?”
That is different from trying to talk the child out of the step.
You are helping them make an informed choice.
Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves also write that children must ultimately make their own decision about their worship.
“But you’re an unbaptized publisher now”
For a child, a choice made earlier can later start to feel heavier.
For example, a child may no longer feel like going to a meeting, may want to preach less, or may suddenly want to celebrate a birthday after all.
When they then hear:
“But you’re an unbaptized publisher now. You know what Jehovah expects of you,”
can be used as an argument to remind the child of its religious responsibility.
That does not mean this happens in every family.
But if you notice that your child is feeling pressured by this, you do not have to attack the religious rule right away.
You can ask:
“How do you feel about being told this now?”
“Do you still feel this is your choice?”
“If you were not an unbaptized publisher, what would you want for yourself?”
This way, you talk about the child’s freedom without dictating the answer.
Don’t forget what may be going on with the JW parent
It is tempting to focus only on the pressure coming from the believing parent.
But try to understand why that parent may react so strongly too.
A JW parent who truly believes that Armageddon is coming and that obedience to Jehovah is tied to eternal life may feel intense fear when a child starts distancing themselves from the faith.
That parent may not be thinking:
“I want to control my child.”
But rather:
“I don’t want to lose my child.”
If someone truly believes they can live forever in paradise with their children, the prospect of a child leaving Jehovah can be deeply painful.
That can bring up grief, fear, and a strong need to keep the child within the faith.
That explains the possible pressure. It does not mean that any form of pressure is automatically good for a child.
But it does help to understand that both parents may be acting out of love while wanting opposite things.
The ex-JW parent is under pressure too
For the person who has left Jehovah’s Witnesses, the situation can be just as complicated.
You may be trying to live freely according to your own convictions for the first time, while at the same time fearing that that very freedom will be used against you.
You put up a Christmas tree.
You celebrate a birthday.
You have different friends.
You think differently about relationships, clothing, music, or going out.
And at the same time, there may be a thought in your head:
“What will my children tell their other parent about this?”
Or:
“Will they start seeing me as worldly or bad because of this?”
As a result, an ex-JW parent may start adjusting themselves again — this time not out of fear of the congregation, but out of fear of losing the children.
When you are almost switching off your Christmas tree
A former Jehovah’s Witness shared an experience that makes this dilemma very clear.
When her ex-partner, who remained a Jehovah’s Witness, brought the children to her home, the Christmas tree was lit.
From her house, she saw her ex-partner praying with the children in the car in front of her house.
She experienced that as if the children were being spiritually prepared before entering the house with the Christmas tree.
Her first reaction was:
Maybe I should switch off the Christmas tree from now on when he brings the children.
Not because she did not want a Christmas tree.
But because she was afraid that her new way of life would contribute to distance between her and her children.
This is one personal experience and does not say how every JW parent handles such a situation.
But it shows an important dilemma:
How do you stay yourself without turning your new way of life into a battle between both parents?
Maybe the answer is not to hide yourself.
But not to provoke either.
You do not have to switch off the Christmas tree to prove you are a good parent.
You do not have to turn it on demonstratively to prove something to your ex-partner.
You are allowed to simply live.
Let your child experience who you are
When a child hears within their religious environment that people who leave Jehovah can become negative about the faith, your everyday life itself can provide important information.
Not by constantly saying:
“See, they’re wrong!”
But by letting your child experience:
My mother or father still loves me.
It is safe here.
I am allowed to speak honestly here.
My parent is happy without forcing me to think the same way.
My faith is not being mocked.
In the long run, that can say more than endless doctrinal discussions.
Try not to confirm the stereotype
After leaving a strict religious system, freedom can feel very important.
But freedom does not have to mean that you must now do everything that used to be forbidden.
For example, when a parent starts drinking excessively, uses drugs, or is constantly engaging in risky behavior, that can be harmful to a child.
And a child who has learned from their religious environment that the “world” is dangerous may see that as confirmation of what they were told.
That does not mean an ex-JW parent has to keep living by JW rules.
It only means that freedom can also look like this:
a stable, loving, and meaningful life in which you make your own choices.
Don’t expect your child to change at the same time as you
This is especially important when you have raised your children as Jehovah’s Witnesses for years yourself.
Perhaps you used to tell them:
“This is the truth.”
You took them to meetings. You taught them to pray. You talked to them about Jehovah, Armageddon, and paradise. And then your own conviction changed.
For you, years of doubt, research, conversations, and inner struggle may have come before that.
Your child has not automatically gone through that same journey.
For a child, it can be confusing when the same parent who for years said:
“This is the truth”
now says:
“I don’t believe it anymore.”
So give your child time.
Your insight does not have to become your child’s insight immediately.
Don’t inadvertently reinforce warnings about former JWs
When your child expects someone who has left Jehovah to speak negatively about the faith, ongoing criticism can actually create distance.
That doesn’t mean you have to stay silent about your own experiences.
But how you talk about them can make a big difference.
You could say:
“I’ve come to see some things differently. If you ever want to know why, I’ll tell you.”
Instead of:
“Later you’ll understand that they’re lying to you.”
The first approach leaves room.
The second is really already asking the child to take sides.
Don’t let fear of losing your child take over
When you fear losing your child to the faith or to the other parent in the end, every religious step can start to feel like a threat.
Then a meeting is no longer just a meeting.
Not wanting to celebrate Christmas feels like a rejection of your life.
Becoming an unbaptized publisher feels like your child is moving further and further away from you.
As a result, you may start pushing harder.
But if both parents are pulling on the child, the child is caught in the middle.
Try, therefore, to distinguish between:
“This hurts me.”
and:
“I need to stop this immediately.”
Not every difference has to be resolved right away.
What if your child tells each parent something different?
Preferably, don’t turn it into an interrogation.
Not:
“You said something different to your father. Who are you lying to now?”
But:
“I notice that you sometimes say different things to Dad and to me. Are you maybe afraid that one of us will be sad or angry if you say what you really think?”
You can also explicitly give your child permission to say something you may find difficult:
“If you want to be a Jehovah’s Witness, you’re allowed to tell me that.”
“If you have doubts, you can say that too.”
“And if you think differently again later, that’s okay too.”
The key message then becomes:
“You don’t have to keep me happy in order to keep my love.”
Ideally, a child receives that freedom from both parents.
A neutral third party can help
Sometimes the interests and emotions of both parents have become so intense that it is almost impossible for a child to speak freely.
A neutral professional can then be valuable.
Depending on the situation, that could be a GP, youth worker, POH-GGZ, psychologist, or another suitable care provider, for example.
The aim of such a conversation should not be:
“Determine which parent is right about Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
Much more important are questions such as:
“What is this child experiencing?”
“Does the child feel free to speak honestly?”
“Is the child afraid of disappointing one of the parents?”
“Is there fear, guilt, sadness, or a loyalty conflict?”
“What does this child need in order to develop safely?”
What if one parent does not give permission for psychological help?
With divorced parents, this can be a real problem, but legally it is too simplistic to say:
“If one parent says no, that’s the end of it.”
In the Netherlands, consent for medical and psychological treatment depends, among other things, on the child’s age and who has parental authority.
For children under 12, the parent or parents with parental authority generally decide.
For young people aged 12 to 16, consent is generally required from both the parent(s) with parental authority and the young person themselves. The law allows exceptions, for example if not treating the young person would cause serious harm, or if the treatment matches the young person’s well-considered wishes.
From age 16, a young person generally decides for themselves about medical treatment.
So with joint parental authority, conflicts about necessary help can become complicated. In such a situation, ask the care provider involved, your GP, or if necessary a legal expert what options exist in the specific case.
Medical care when one parent is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses
Even in medical care, it is not the case that the JW parent or the non-JW parent automatically has the final say.
The legal position depends, among other things, on:
who has parental authority;
the child’s age;
the nature and necessity of the treatment;
the child’s opinion;
and the specific medical situation.
For 12- to 16-year-olds in the Netherlands, the basic rule is dual consent: that of the young person and the custodial parent(s), with statutory exceptions. From age 16 onward, the young person generally makes the decision themselves.
When parents with joint parental authority seriously disagree about an important medical decision, there are legal options for having the dispute reviewed.
In an acute medical situation, you should not first try to resolve a legal conflict about, for example, a blood transfusion on your own. Discuss immediately with the treating doctor what is medically necessary and what legal rules apply.
What if you think religion is being used to turn your child against you?
This is one of the most difficult situations.
First try to distinguish between:
a parent sharing his or her faith with the child;
a child developing religious preferences on their own;
the normal influence every parent has on a child;
pressure that keeps a child from speaking freely;
a structural loyalty conflict;
behavior that is actually turning a child against the other parent.
The mere fact that someone is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses is, of course, not a reason for child protection intervention.
Nor is it the job of the Child Care and Protection Board to ensure that a child is raised religiously neutral.
A child protection measure only comes into play when a child’s development is seriously threatened and the necessary help does not come about voluntarily, or is insufficiently provided. In the end, the juvenile court judge decides on a supervision order.
Document concrete events
When you genuinely have concerns about your child’s development, try not to write down only conclusions such as:
“My ex is indoctrinating our child.”
That says very little about what actually happened.
Instead, note:
Date: ..............................................................
What happened? .................................................
What did my child say, exactly? ..................................
What did the other parent say or do? ............................
What did I notice afterward in my child? .........................
Was anyone else there? .......................................
This helps keep facts, interpretations, and feelings better separated.
It can also be much more useful later in a conversation with a support worker, mediator, or legal expert.
Focus on what you can influence
You cannot fully control what is said in the other parent’s home.
What you can influence is what your child experiences with you.
Provide predictability.
Let your child know where they stand.
Do not make love dependent on belief.
Show that your child does not have to believe the same things you do in order to belong with you.
Listen before correcting.
First ask what your child thinks and feels.
Do not make your child the messenger.
Deal with conflicts directly with the other parent.
Encourage independent thinking.
Provide information and ask questions without prescribing the desired conclusion.
Be yourself.
You do not have to keep living as if you were still one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Respect that your child may need time.
Your change of conviction does not have to become your child’s change immediately.
The JW parent also deserves room to be a parent
Neutrality works both ways.
The ex-JW parent needs room to live according to their current convictions.
The JW parent likewise needs room to practice their faith with the child, within the limits of parental authority and the child’s well-being.
Jehovah’s Witnesses say in their own public information that parents raise their children in the faith, but that as children grow older they must ultimately decide for themselves whether to accept that belief and get baptized.
That actually offers an interesting common starting point for both parents:
the child must ultimately be able to make their own choice.
The question therefore does not have to be:
“How do I prevent the other parent from influencing my child?”
Every parent influences their child.
A better question is:
“How do we make sure that, despite our different beliefs, our child experiences enough safety and freedom to eventually form an independent opinion?”
Finally
Perhaps the hardest thing about this form of co-parenting is that both parents can, out of love, want exactly the opposite.
The JW parent may think:
“I want my child to keep serving Jehovah, because I believe their future depends on it.”
The ex-JW parent may think:
“I want to protect my child from the pressure I experienced myself and make sure they can truly choose freely.”
And exactly between those two convictions can stand a child who mainly thinks:
“I don’t want to disappoint Dad and Mom.”
So you do not need your main goal to be that your child ultimately chooses your conviction.
You can offer something more fundamental:
“With me, you don’t have to choose between being honest and being loved.”
Let your child believe if they want to believe.
Let them doubt if they doubt.
Give information when a choice has consequences.
Ask questions.
Listen even when the answer is not the one you hoped for.
Be yourself without turning your freedom into a weapon against the other parent.
And try, however difficult that may sometimes be, to recognize that the other parent may also act out of fear, love, and conviction.
A child does not need two parents proving which world is the right one.
It needs the freedom to love both parents, to be able to say honestly what it thinks, and to discover step by step what it believes itself.
Sources
JW.org - How Do I Become a Jehovah’s Witness?
JW.org - Do Jehovah’s Witnesses Force Their Children to Adopt Their Beliefs?
JW.org - Become an unbaptized publisher
Watchtower Online Library - Organized to Do Jehovah’s Will - Requirements for unbaptized publishers
Watchtower Online Library - Question Box - unbaptized publishers, meetings, and field service
JW.org - Parents, help your child grow toward baptism
KNMG - Rights of minors
KNMG - Guide to consent and information in the treatment of minors
Rijksoverheid - When is my child placed under supervision?
Rijksoverheid - Child protection measures
Editorial note: the personal examples in this article describe individual experiences. They are not intended as a description of every family in which one parent is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The information about unbaptized publishers is based on publications by Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves. The legal information concerns the Netherlands and is general information; in a specific dispute about custody, medical treatment, or support services, the individual situation may be decisive.
