Co-parenting when one parent is a Jehovah’s Witness

Co-parenting when one parent is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses Recognizable questions My child says one thing with one parent and something different with the other. Is my child lying, or trying to keep us both happy? What do I do if my child suddenly no longer wants to celebrate Sinterklaas or a birthday? Should I explain what it means to become an unbaptized publisher, or am I influencing my child by doing that? How do I talk about Jehovah’s Witnesses without tearing down the other parent’s faith? What if I’m afraid my child will eventually choose the faith and the other parent and pull away from me? And when am I allowed or required to step in if I think my child is under pressure? If you are separated from a partner who is or remains one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, co-parenting can bring extra challenges. Your child may grow up with different rules, beliefs, and expectations. With one parent, meetings, field service, and other religious activities may be part of everyday life. With the other parent, for example, birthdays, Sinterklaas, or Christmas may be celebrated, and different values and rules may apply in certain areas. Those differences do not have to be a problem in themselves. It mainly becomes complicated when a child starts to feel that choosing one way of life also means rejecting the other parent. A child can get caught between two parents Children are often loyal to both parents. That can make it very easy for a child to tell his or her JW parent: “Yes, I want to become an unbaptized publisher.” And to say to the other parent: “I actually still don’t know whether I want that.” The first reaction may be: But then who is my child lying to? Still, such a difference does not necessarily mean lying or manipulating. A child may be trying to sense which answer each parent wants to hear. Underneath the behavior, there may really be a different question: “How can I be honest without hurting Dad or Mom?” A child may therefore leave things out, change answers, not tell what they did with the other parent, or try to reassure both parents. That is exactly why it is important that a child is not constantly asked to take sides. How can stress show up in a child? A child usually does not say: “I’m struggling with a loyalty conflict.” Stress can show itself in all kinds of ways. For example, a child may: become angrier or more irritable; suddenly blow up over small things; withdraw; share less; constantly try to keep everyone happy; be afraid of disappointing Dad or Mom; give different answers to both parents; struggle with making choices; worry or sleep badly; feel guilty when enjoying something at the other parent’s home; be afraid of Armageddon or of what the faith says will happen to a parent; feel they can never do right by everyone; become anxious or depressed. Sometimes more serious problems can arise, such as depressive symptoms or self-harm. It is important not to automatically attribute such serious symptoms to the faith or the divorce. Self-harm, severe depression, and anxiety can have different causes and deserve professional attention. But it is wise, when behavior changes, not to ask only: “Why is my child being so difficult?” but also: “What stress might my child be carrying?” What if your child no longer wants to celebrate Sinterklaas or their birthday As an ex-JW parent, you may think: This isn’t coming from my child. This has been told to them. You may even feel certain that without the other parent’s influence your child would want to take part. Still, it usually does not help to say: “You don’t want that at all. Dad/Mom has talked you into it.” That puts the child back between two positions. You could say, for example: “That’s fine. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. If you feel differently later, that’s fine too.” That does not automatically mean you accept the religious belief behind the choice. You are giving your child something else: the freedom to say no today and maybe think differently tomorrow. Even if you suspect that a choice has been strongly influenced by the other parent or a religious environment, your response does not have to become the opposite kind of influence. Encourage independent thinking, not a new dogma When you yourself have left Jehovah’s Witnesses, you may feel the urge to warn your child or explain certain viewpoints. After all, you know the faith from the inside. There may be things that, in hindsight, you think: If only someone had told me this sooner. Still, there is a difference between teaching your child to think and telling your child what to think . Instead of: “That’s not right. That’s not how Armageddon is going to happen at all.” you could, for example, ask: “What have you heard about that?” “What do you think about it yourself?” “How could you find out whether something is true?” “Are there people who think differently about that?” “Do you feel like you’re allowed to ask questions about this?” “How does that thought feel to you?” So critical or independent thinking does not mean: “Teach your child that the other parent’s faith is wrong.” It means: “Teach your child that they are allowed to ask questions, examine information, hear different viewpoints, and ultimately form their own conclusion.” That applies both ways. Your child does not have to automatically believe the JW parent. But they do not have to automatically believe the ex-JW parent either. Speak respectfully about the other parent However difficult your relationship with your ex-partner may be, try to distinguish between: “I don’t agree with what dad/mom believes.” and: “Dad/mom is stupid, brainwashed, or bad.” For a child, the believing parent is not just a Jehovah’s Witness . It is their father or mother. When you constantly attack the other parent’s identity or intelligence, the child may experience that as an attack on someone they love — and sometimes even as an attack on part of themselves. Speaking respectfully does not mean you cannot say anything critical. You could, for example, say: “Dad believes that. I used to believe that too. By now I see it differently. If you ever want to know why, I’ll explain it to you.” That gives information without requiring the child to immediately adopt your conclusion. What does it mean to become an unbaptized publisher? This is an important point when a child is growing up with the JW parent and says they want to become an unbaptized publisher. Within Jehovah’s Witnesses, that is a concrete religious step. According to their own publications, elders speak with someone before they are approved as an unbaptized publisher. Among other things, they look at whether the person believes the basic teachings, lives by the standards, and truly wants to take part in the preaching work. With a child, two elders may discuss with the child and the believing parent whether the child qualifies. Their own instructions then say that the child is encouraged to set baptism as a goal . Jehovah’s Witnesses have material for parents and children entitled ‘Become an Unbaptized Publisher’ . Older official instructions also state that an unbaptized publisher who is working toward baptism is expected to attend meetings regularly and participate in field service. So it is understandable that a non-JW parent wants their child to understand what this step involves. Are you allowed to inform your child about that? Protecting a child from influence does not mean you have to withhold important information. You can explain what being an unbaptized publisher means according to Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves, without saying: “You are not allowed to do this.” For example: “If you really want this, I want you to first understand clearly what you’re choosing. Let’s look together at what Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves say about unbaptized publishers.” Then you can ask: “Why do you want this?” “What things will be expected of you after that?” “Do you actually like those expectations?” “What if you don’t want to preach or go to a meeting for a while?” “Do you feel like you would still be allowed to say later that you no longer want this?” “Would you still want this if dad or mom had no opinion about it at all?” That is different from trying to keep the child from taking the step. You are helping them make an informed choice . Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves also write that children ultimately have to make the decision about their worship for themselves. “But you’re an unbaptized publisher now” For a child, a choice made earlier can later start to feel heavier. For example, a child may no longer feel like going to a meeting, may want to preach less, or may suddenly want to celebrate a birthday after all. When they then hear: “But you’re an unbaptized publisher now. You know what Jehovah expects of you,” the earlier choice can be used as an argument to remind the child of their religious responsibility. That does not mean this happens in every family. But if you notice that your child is feeling pressured by this, you don’t have to go straight after the religious rule itself. You can ask: “What do you think about being told this now?” “Do you still feel that this is your choice?” “If you weren’t an unbaptized publisher, what would you want for yourself?” That way, you talk about the child’s freedom without putting words in their mouth. Don’t forget what may be going on with the JW parent It is tempting to look only at the pressure coming from the believing parent. But try to understand why that parent may be reacting so strongly too. A JW parent who truly believes that Armageddon is coming and that obedience to Jehovah is tied to eternal life may feel deep fear when a child drifts away from the faith. That parent may not be thinking: “I want to control my child.” But rather: “I don’t want to lose my child.” If someone truly believes they can live forever in paradise with their children, the prospect of a child leaving Jehovah can be incredibly painful. It can bring up grief, fear, and a strong need to keep the child in the faith. That explains possible pressure. It does not mean that any pressure is automatically good for a child. But it does help explain that both parents can act out of love while wanting completely opposite things. The ex-JW parent is under pressure too For the person who has left Jehovah’s Witnesses, the situation can be at least as complicated. You may be trying to live freely according to your own beliefs for the first time, while at the same time being afraid that precisely that freedom will be used against you. You put up a Christmas tree. You celebrate a birthday. You have different friends. You think differently about relationships, clothing, music, or going out. And at the same time, there may be a thought in your head: “What will my children tell their other parent about this?” Or: “Will they start seeing me as worldly or bad because of this?” As a result, an ex-JW parent may start adjusting themselves again — this time not out of fear of the congregation, but out of fear of losing the children. When you almost switch off your Christmas tree A former Jehovah’s Witness told about an experience that clearly shows this dilemma. When her ex-partner, who remained one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, brought the children to her home, the Christmas tree was on. From her house she saw her ex-partner praying with the children in the car in front of her home. She experienced it as though the children were being prepared spiritually before entering the house with the Christmas tree. Her first reaction was: Maybe I should turn off the Christmas tree whenever he brings the children. Not because she didn’t want a Christmas tree. But because she was afraid that her new way of life would contribute to distance between her and her children. This is one personal experience and does not say how every JW parent handles such a situation. But it does show an important dilemma: How do you stay true to yourself without turning your new way of life into a battle between both parents? Maybe the answer is not to hide yourself. But not to provoke either. You don’t have to switch off the Christmas tree to prove you are a good parent. You also don’t have to turn it on demonstratively to prove something to your ex-partner. You’re allowed to just live. Let your child experience who you are When a child hears in their religious environment that people who leave Jehovah can become negative about the faith, your everyday life itself can provide important information. Not by constantly saying: “See, they’re wrong after all.” But because your child experiences: My mother or father still loves me. It is safe here. I’m allowed to speak honestly here. My parent is happy without forcing me to think the same way. My faith is not being mocked. In the long run, that can say more than endless doctrinal discussions. Don’t try to confirm the stereotype After leaving a strict religious system, freedom can feel very important. But freedom doesn’t have to mean doing everything that used to be forbidden. For example, if a parent starts drinking excessively, using drugs, or constantly engaging in risky behavior, that can be harmful to a child. And a child who has learned from their religious environment that the “world” is dangerous may also see that as confirmation of what they were told. That does not mean an ex-JW parent has to keep living by JW rules. It only means that freedom can also look like this: a stable, loving, and meaningful life in which you make your own choices. Don’t expect your child to change at the same time as you This is especially important when you have raised your children as Jehovah’s Witnesses yourself for years. Perhaps you once told them: “This is the truth.” You took them to meetings. You taught them to pray. You told them about Jehovah, Armageddon, and paradise. And then your beliefs changed. For you, that may have been preceded by years of doubt, research, conversations, and inner struggle. Your child did not automatically make that same journey. For a child, it can be confusing when the same parent who said for years: “This is the truth” now says: “I don’t believe it anymore.” So give your child time. Your insight does not need to become your child’s insight immediately. Do not unintentionally reinforce warnings about former JWs When your child expects someone who has left Jehovah to speak mainly negatively about the faith, ongoing criticism can actually create distance. That is why you do not have to stay silent about your own experiences. But how you talk about them can make a big difference. You could say: “I started seeing some things differently. If you ever want to know why, I’ll tell you.” Instead of: “Later you’ll understand that they are lying to you.” The first approach leaves room. The second actually asks the child to take sides. Do not let fear of losing your child dominate When you are afraid of eventually losing your child to the faith or the other parent, every religious step can start to feel like a threat. A meeting is no longer just a meeting. Not wanting to celebrate Sinterklaas feels like a rejection of your life. Becoming an unbaptized publisher feels like your child is drifting farther and farther away from you. That can make you pull harder. But if both parents are pulling on the child, the child is caught in the middle. So try to distinguish between: “This hurts me.” and: “I need to stop this immediately.” Not every difference has to be resolved right away. What if your child tells each parent something different? Preferably do not turn it into an interrogation. Not: “You said something different to your father. Who are you lying to now?” But: “I notice that you sometimes say different things to Dad and to me. Are you perhaps afraid that one of us will be sad or angry if you tell us what you really think?” You can also explicitly give your child permission to say something that may be difficult for you: “If you want to be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses, you’re allowed to tell me that.” “If you have doubts, you’re allowed to say that too.” “And if you later think differently again, that’s okay too.” The main message then becomes: “You do not have to keep me happy in order to keep my love.” Ideally, a child receives that freedom from both parents. A neutral third party can help Sometimes the interests and emotions of both parents have become so strong that it is almost impossible for a child to speak freely. A neutral professional can then be valuable. Depending on the situation, that could for example be a general practitioner, youth professional, mental health nurse, psychologist, or another appropriate helper. The goal of such a conversation should not be: “Determine which parent is right about Jehovah’s Witnesses.” Much more important are questions such as: “What is this child experiencing?” “Does the child feel free to speak honestly?” “Is the child afraid of disappointing one of the parents?” “Is there fear, guilt, depression, or a loyalty conflict?” “What does this child need in order to develop safely?” What if one parent does not give permission for psychological help? This can be a real problem for separated parents, but legally it is too simple to say: “If one parent says no, that’s the end of it.” In the Netherlands, consent for medical and psychological treatment depends, among other things, on the child’s age and who has parental authority. For children under 12, the parent or parents with parental authority generally decide. For young people aged 12 to 16, consent is generally required from both the parent(s) with parental authority and the young person themselves. The law has exceptions, for example if not treating the young person would cause serious harm, or if treatment matches the young person’s well-considered wish. From age 16 onward, a young person generally decides for themselves about medical treatment. With joint parental authority, conflicts about necessary help can therefore become complicated. In such a situation, ask the involved care provider, general practitioner, or if necessary a legal expert which options exist in the specific case. Medical care when one parent is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses In medical care as well, it is not automatically the case that the Jehovah’s Witness parent or the non-JW parent has the final say. The legal position depends, among other things, on: who has parental authority; the child’s age; the nature and necessity of the treatment; the child’s view; and the specific medical situation. For children aged 12 to 16 in the Netherlands, dual consent generally applies: that of the young person and that of the parent(s) with authority, with statutory exceptions. From the age of 16, the young person generally decides for themselves. When parents with joint authority seriously disagree about an important medical decision, there are legal options for having the dispute reviewed. In an acute medical situation, you should not first try to resolve a legal conflict about, for example, a blood transfusion on your own. Discuss immediately with the treating physician what is medically necessary and what legal rules apply. What if you think religion is being used to turn your child against you? This is one of the hardest situations. First try to distinguish between: a parent who shares their faith with the child; a child developing religious preferences on their own; the normal influence every parent has on a child; pressure that makes a child afraid to speak freely; a structural loyalty conflict; behavior that truly turns a child against the other parent. The mere fact that someone is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses is, of course, no reason for child protection intervention. It is also not the task of the Child Protection Council to ensure that a child is raised religiously neutral . A child protection measure only comes into play when a child’s development is seriously threatened and the necessary help does not come about voluntarily, or not sufficiently so. Ultimately, the juvenile court judge decides on a supervision order. Record concrete incidents When you genuinely have concerns about your child’s development, try not to write down only conclusions such as: “My ex is indoctrinating our child.” That says little about what actually happened. Instead, note: Date: .............................................................. What happened? ................................................. What did my child say verbatim? .................................. What did the other parent say or do? ............................ What did I notice afterward in my child? ......................... Was anyone else there? ....................................... That helps keep facts, interpretations, and feelings more clearly separate. It can also be much more useful later in a conversation with a counselor, mediator, or legal expert. Focus on what you can influence You cannot fully control what is said in the other parent’s home. What you can influence is what your child experiences with you. Offer predictability. Let your child know where they stand. Do not make love dependent on religion. Make it clear that your child does not have to believe the same as you in order to belong with you. Listen before you correct. First ask what your child thinks and feels. Do not make your child the messenger. Discuss conflicts directly with the other parent. Encourage independent thinking. Provide information and ask questions without prescribing the desired conclusion. Be yourself. You do not have to keep living as if you were still one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Respect that your child may need time. Your change of beliefs does not have to become your child’s immediately. The JW parent also deserves room to be a parent Neutrality works both ways. The ex-JW parent needs room to live according to their current convictions. The JW parent likewise needs room to live out their own faith with the child, within the limits of parental authority and the child’s well-being. In their own public information, Jehovah’s Witnesses say that parents raise their children in the faith, but that as children grow older they must ultimately decide for themselves whether to accept those beliefs and get baptized. That actually provides an interesting common starting point for both parents: the child must ultimately be able to make their own choice. The question therefore does not have to be: “How do I prevent the other parent from influencing my child?” Every parent influences their child. A better question is: “How do we ensure that our child, despite our different beliefs, experiences enough safety and freedom to eventually form their own opinion?” Finally Perhaps the hardest thing about this form of co-parenting is that, out of love, both parents can want exactly the opposite. The JW parent may think: “I want my child to keep serving Jehovah, because I believe their future depends on it.” The ex-JW parent may think: “I want to protect my child from the pressure I experienced myself and make sure they can truly choose freely.” And right between those two convictions can be a child who mainly thinks: “I don’t want to disappoint Dad and Mom.” So you don’t have to make it your primary goal that your child ultimately chooses your belief. You can offer something more fundamental: “With me, you don’t have to choose between being honest and being loved.” Let your child believe if they want to believe. Let them doubt if they doubt. Give information when a choice has consequences. Ask questions. Listen even when the answer is not the answer you hoped for. Be yourself without turning your freedom into a weapon against the other parent. And try, however difficult that may sometimes be, to recognize that the other parent too may be acting out of fear, love, and conviction. A child does not need two parents who prove which world is the right one. It needs the freedom to love both parents, to be able to say honestly what it thinks, and to discover step by step what it believes itself. Sources JW.org - How do I become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses? JW.org - Do Jehovah’s Witnesses force their children to follow their religion? JW.org - Become an unbaptized publisher Watchtower Online Library - Organized to Do Jehovah’s Will - requirements for unbaptized publishers Watchtower Online Library - Q&A - unbaptized publishers, meetings, and field service JW.org - Parents, are you helping your child progress to baptism? KNMG - Rights of minors KNMG - Guide to consent and information in the treatment of minors Rijksoverheid - When is my child placed under supervision? Rijksoverheid - Child protection measures Editorial note: the personal examples in this article describe individual experiences. They are not intended as a description of every family in which one parent is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. The information about unbaptized publishers is based on Jehovah’s Witnesses’ own publications. The legal information concerns the Netherlands and is general information; in a specific dispute about custody, medical treatment, or support services, the individual situation may be decisive.