Religious upbringing and free will: how free is a child’s choice?

Recognizable questions How does faith develop in a child? How much influence do parents, friends, and the faith community have on what feels obviously true? Can you really choose freely when one choice makes your parents happy and the other makes them sad? What role can Jehovah, Satan, Armageddon, and paradise play in that choice? Is ‘no one forced me’ the same as full freedom of choice? Can parents pass on their faith convincingly and still truly give their child room to think differently later on? How can you look back on your own religious upbringing as an adult? Jehovah’s Witnesses place a high value on free will. According to their official explanation, Jehovah gave humans free will: the ability to make their own decisions. Their publications also explicitly say that Jehovah does not force people to serve him and that each person must ultimately decide for themselves whether they want to serve Jehovah. Jehovah’s Witnesses therefore do not baptize babies. According to JW.org , someone who wants to get baptized must be old enough to understand what the Bible teaches, believe it, and personally decide to live by it. For children raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses, the organization says the same steps apply as for anyone else: when they grow older, they too must accept and apply Bible knowledge before they can get baptized. That sounds logical. But in a child raised as a Jehovah’s Witness from birth, an interesting psychological question also arises: How free does a religious choice feel when one of the options has, from birth, been tied to almost everything and everyone you love? This article is not about whether parents are allowed to pass on their faith to their children. Of course they do. Religious and non-religious parents alike pass on values, norms, and beliefs. The more interesting question is: What does a child need in order to be able to say, in the end: this is my belief? You don’t start from zero A child growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness may go to the Kingdom Hall for years before being old enough to independently and thoroughly examine what they themselves believe. They go along to meetings, hear prayers, see the preaching work, attend conventions, and receive Bible instruction. This is not just an outside observation. Jehovah’s Witness publications themselves encourage parents to give their children Bible instruction from birth. A 2018 Watchtower says Christian parents should teach their children from birth with the goal of helping them become baptized disciples of Christ. At the same time, that same publication says parents should not pressure their children to get baptized. According to the publication, children do not all develop at the same pace, and parents should take their child’s individual development into account. That distinction is important. The child learns who Jehovah is. They hear about Satan, paradise, and Armageddon. They learn what is meant by “the truth” and that, according to the JW explanation, Christians are not part of “the world.” Within that same world of faith are often the most important people in a child’s life. Dad and mom believe it. Brothers and sisters may too. Grandparents perhaps. Friends may be in the congregation. Elders are familiar adults. At conventions, the child sees thousands of people who believe the same thing. So a child later does not choose between two unfamiliar religions lying neutrally side by side. One belief has already been linked for years to home, safety, family, friends, God, and the future . That does not mean the faith is therefore untrue. But it does mean that the circumstances in which someone comes to faith can influence what feels obvious and true. What if you had been born into a different family? Suppose the very same child had not been born into a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but into a strict Catholic family in Poland. What would they likely believe? Or if they had grown up in a Muslim family in Saudi Arabia? Or with Mormon parents in Utah? Probably that child would initially experience many of their parents’ beliefs as self-evident. That does not prove that all those beliefs are wrong. It also does not prove that the faith of Jehovah’s Witnesses is wrong. But it does show something important: Where we are born and who raises us has a major influence on what first feels like obvious truth. That leads to a question that applies not only to Jehovah’s Witnesses: Do I believe something because I have examined it independently, or does it feel true because it is the world I learned to think in? The two possibilities do not feel the same Suppose a fifteen-year-old girl tells her parents: ‘I would really like to serve Jehovah.’ Their parents are probably pleased. Maybe she gets compliments. People in the congregation encourage her. Her parents are proud when she makes spiritual progress. Suppose that same girl says a few months later: ‘Actually, I’m not sure I believe that Jehovah’s Witnesses have the truth.’ Formally, she still has a choice. But emotionally, that second option can feel very different. Her parents may become sad. Maybe they become afraid. Not necessarily because they want to control their daughter. They may sincerely believe that her relationship with Jehovah and her future are at stake. The girl does not even have to hear: ‘You are not allowed to think that.’ She may only see the look on her mother’s face. And that can be enough to make her think: What am I doing to my parents if I no longer believe this? Children are sensitive to their parents’ approval. That is not typical of Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is part of growing up. As a result, two formally possible choices are not necessarily two equally emotionally safe choices . Am I making Mom and Dad sad? Suppose a child says: ‘I want to do more in the field ministry.’ That can bring appreciation. ‘I want to get baptized later.’ Pride. ‘I want to serve Jehovah always.’ Joy. That also matches the goal that JW literature itself gives parents: to help their child become a disciple and, ultimately, when the child is ready, to dedicate themselves to Jehovah and get baptized. But suppose the child says: ‘I’m not sure I believe this.’ Or: ‘I also want to read what people outside the organization say about this.’ Or eventually: ‘I don’t think I want to become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.’ Then the reaction can be different. Not because the parents are bad people. Precisely because they love their child so much, it can hurt. But for the child, that can create a second problem. It no longer has to investigate only: What do I actually believe? It also has to deal with: How much sadness am I causing if my answer is different from my parents’? Then love, loyalty, and belief can become unintentionally intertwined. And then there is Jehovah For a JW child, it is not only about Mom and Dad. Jehovah can be completely real to that child. When a child learns that Jehovah leads his people and that the organization is used by him, doubt about the organization can therefore feel much bigger than criticism of an ordinary human institution. A child may wonder: Am I rebellious? Am I making Jehovah sad? Is this a wrong thought? Am I spiritually weak? Is Satan trying to influence me? What if I lose Jehovah? What happens at Armageddon? Will I still see my family in paradise? That can give research a special emotional weight. Then you are not only investigating: ‘Is this true?’ You can simultaneously be afraid of what happens if the answer turns out to be ‘no’ . How free is a choice if one path feels safe? Suppose you show a child two paths. For the first path, their mind may connect it with: Jehovah, Mom and Dad, friends, the congregation, paradise, everlasting life, and belonging. For the other path, terms may come to mind such as: the world, Satan, spiritual danger, Armageddon, and loss. Then you say: ‘You are completely free to choose.’ According to the official teaching of Jehovah’s Witnesses, a person does indeed ultimately have to make that choice themselves. JW.org explicitly says that as children get older, they must decide for themselves whether to accept and apply Bible knowledge, and that ultimately everyone must make their own decision about worship. But that still leaves a psychological follow-up question: Do both options also feel equally accessible to the child? That is a different question from: ‘Was the child literally forced by someone?’ Not experiencing literal coercion does not automatically mean a choice is free from social and emotional influence. And that is not only true for religion. People are constantly influenced by their family, culture, friends, and surroundings. The world outside the congregation JW children usually just attend school. They have teachers, classmates, and people around them who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses. So it would be exaggerated to say that they are literally cut off from the outside world. At the same time, they are taught that Christians are ‘no part of the world.’ They do not celebrate certain holidays and birthdays, and they are taught to be cautious about what their faith considers bad association. A child can therefore have kind classmates and at the same time develop the sense that the truly safe spiritual environment exists within the congregation. That too can later influence a decision of faith. Because in order to really compare two ways of life, you must be able to look at both of them without too much fear. Rapunzel and the open door That is why I find Rapunzel an interesting comparison. Not because JW parents deliberately lock their children in a tower. On the contrary. Many parents sincerely believe they are protecting their child from something dangerous. But imagine a child who hears throughout his entire childhood that dangers exist outside the tower. One day the door is opened: ‘Now you may choose for yourself.’ The door is truly open. But does that mean everything the child has learned for years about the world outside the tower has disappeared? No. The child takes those warnings outside with him. As a result, the boundary no longer needs to be physically present. The boundary may have moved from the outside to the inside. Identity and faith can grow into each other During childhood, identity develops. Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I think is right and wrong? What do I believe? Who are my friends? Who do I want to be in a relationship with later on? What do I want to make of my life? When many of the answers to those questions are tied to one religious community, faith becomes more than a set of doctrines. It becomes part of who you are . Your family. Your friends. Your morality. Your social network. Your outlook on the future. Your view of God. That is why religious doubt can feel so disruptive. It is then not necessarily just: ‘I changed my mind about one doctrine.’ It can feel like: ‘If this isn’t true, then who am I?’ ‘No one forced me’ Many people who were raised in religion can quite rightly say: ‘My parents never forced me.’ That can absolutely be true. In fact, the official direction to JW parents itself says that they should not pressure their children to get baptized. But influence is broader than coercion. A smile. A compliment. Pride when you comment at the meeting. Together in the field ministry. Other young people setting spiritual goals. Joy when someone makes spiritual progress. Disappointment when someone pulls away. Your parents’ hope that you will always serve Jehovah. None of these things needs to be wrong in itself. Many of them may actually come from love. But together they do form the social and emotional environment in which a child develops his identity and beliefs. That is why the sentence: ‘No one forced me’ does not necessarily tell the full story of how a belief came about. This is not about bad parents This distinction is important. JW parents are not automatically parents who consciously want to control their children. In fact, their own publications give parents both the goal of guiding their children toward discipleship and baptism and the instruction not to pressure them. Suppose you are a mother and truly believe that Jehovah’s Witnesses have the truth. Your son says: ‘Mom, I don’t believe it anymore.’ You love him very much. But at the same time you may believe that his future with Jehovah is in danger. Maybe you think: What did I do wrong? Should I have done more family worship? Did I fail to protect him enough? Who influenced him? Maybe you lie awake at night. Maybe you pray. Maybe you think about Armageddon. Maybe you imagine paradise without your own child. Then the parent also feels pressure . That makes reality much more complicated than a story about bad religious parents versus vulnerable children. Sometimes two people can love each other deeply and at the same time both be afraid of losing each other. But parent and child are not in the same position Even so, the roles are not equal. The parent is an adult. The child depends on the parent. That is why the parent has a greater responsibility to make room for the child’s development. A child should not have to think: ‘I have to keep believing this, otherwise I’ll destroy Mom.’ A parent is allowed to feel sad. A parent is allowed to hope that his child will continue serving Jehovah. A parent is allowed to be deeply convinced of his own faith. But a child also needs something very important: the assurance that his parents’ love does not depend on his eventual religious belief. What does real freedom of religious choice look like? Maybe freedom of choice does not mean that parents should make their faith less clear. A JW parent can simply say: ‘I believe with all my heart that Jehovah exists.’ ‘I believe the Bible is God’s Word.’ ‘I believe this is the truth.’ There is nothing wrong with that. The difference may lie in what comes next: ‘But you may ask me why.’ ‘You may say that you don’t understand something.’ ‘You may say that you don’t believe something.’ ‘You don’t have to believe just because dad and mom believe.’ ‘You are allowed to investigate.’ ‘You can also listen to people who have reached a different conclusion.’ ‘You don’t have to rush.’ And perhaps the most important one: ‘I hope you choose Jehovah. But if later you believe something else, I will still love you just as much.’ Then free will does not mean: you are free to choose our way for yourself. But: you are free to discover which way truly is yours. What does the organization itself say about children and baptism? Precisely because this article is about freedom of choice, it is good to present the official position accurately. Jehovah’s Witnesses do not baptize babies . According to JW.org , anyone who gets baptized must understand what the Bible teaches, believe it, live by it, and personally decide to dedicate themselves to Jehovah. In the public JW sources, there is no fixed minimum age for baptism . A Watchtower from 2018 explicitly says that the Bible does not name a specific age and that some children may be sufficiently mature at a relatively young age, while others are not ready until later. At the same time, parents are encouraged to teach their children from birth with the goal of helping them become disciples. That same publication says parents should not pressure their children to get baptized. When someone wants to get baptized, he speaks with the elders. According to JW.org , they want to determine whether the person understands what is involved in baptism, applies what he has learned, and has dedicated himself of his own free will to God. The official position therefore includes both elements: parents are encouraged to guide their child purposefully toward discipleship and eventually baptism, and the final dedication and baptism must, according to the organization, be the child’s own voluntary decision. The psychological question in this article is therefore not whether Jehovah’s Witnesses officially say children should be forced. Their public publications do not say that. The question is more subtle: What does a child need, beyond formal freedom of choice, to genuinely dare to consider both possible outcomes emotionally? A question for active Jehovah’s Witnesses If you are reading this as an active JW, this article is not asking you to suddenly start doubting your faith. Just imagine that your son or daughter tells you tomorrow: ‘I’ve done serious research and I no longer believe that Jehovah’s Witnesses have the truth.’ What happens in you then? Can you say: ‘I totally disagree with you.’ ‘I hope you will one day come back to that conclusion.’ ‘I will continue serving Jehovah.’ But at the same time: ‘You remain my child, and my love for you does not change.’ If a child truly knows that, there may be more room to honestly share what they really think and believe. A question for ex-JWs When you look back as an ex-JW, you do not have to automatically conclude: ‘My entire childhood was manipulation.’ Maybe you had loving parents. Maybe your parents were sincere. Maybe you genuinely wanted to go to the meeting. Maybe you truly believed. All of that can be true at the same time. But you can ask yourself: What felt true to me because I grew up with it? What did I think as a child about people outside the organization? How did the idea of Armageddon feel? Was I afraid of disappointing Jehovah? Could I tell my parents that I had doubts? Could I investigate without fear? How important was my parents’ approval? And perhaps especially: Did I truly feel that both answers were possible? Why baptism deserves a separate discussion This article is deliberately not about the question of whether and when minors should be baptized. The official JW sources do not specify a fixed minimum age. They emphasize understanding, conviction, behavior, voluntary dedication, and the child’s individual maturity. At the same time, baptism is described to young people as a very important and lasting decision. In material for young people, dedication to Jehovah is described as a promise to serve him forever. That raises a separate question: At what point can a minor truly grasp a religious decision meant to last a lifetime? This involves age, development, preparation for baptism, the role of parents and elders, and the possible consequences if someone’s beliefs later change. That deserves a separate article. Because that, once again, leads to an interesting question about free will: Does the freedom to choose a faith also include the freedom to change your beliefs later on? Maybe this is the most important question Free will does not mean we have to grow up without influence. That’s impossible. Everyone is influenced by parents, culture, school, friends, religion, the internet, and society. So maybe the better question is not: ‘Am I being influenced?’ Of course I am influenced. But: ‘Have I been given enough space to truly examine my beliefs and possibly come to a different conclusion?’ That is the difference. A child does not have to be raised without faith in order to be able to choose freely later. But perhaps the child does need to know that its most honest answer should never cost it its parents’ love. Maybe real freedom of religion begins with one simple sentence: ‘I hope you choose Jehovah. But if you believe something different later, I will still love you just as much.’ Because only when a child does not have to fear choosing between its beliefs and the people it loves does its own voice truly have room to breathe. Join the discussion How free did your own religious upbringing feel? Could you say at home that you had doubts? Could you explore other beliefs? Did you feel you were truly allowed to believe something else? And if you are a Jehovah’s Witness parent yourself: Can your child say to you, ‘I don’t believe what you believe,’ and at the same time be completely sure that your love for him or her will remain the same? Sources JW.org - What Does the Bible Say About Free Will? The Watchtower - March 2017 - “Exercise Faith: Make Wise Decisions” JW.org - How Do I Become One of Jehovah’s Witnesses? JW.org - Do Jehovah’s Witnesses Force Their Children to Adopt Their Faith? JW.org - What Is Baptism? The Watchtower - March 2018 - “Parents, Help Your Child Grow Toward Baptism” JW.org - Should I Get Baptized? - Part 1: What Baptism Means JW.org - Should I Get Baptized? - Part 2: Preparing for Baptism JW.org - Baptism: A Fine Goal! See also on ExJW.World Family & Relationships - about family ties, upbringing, loyalty, and relationships inside and outside the faith. A-Z Psychology - about free will, group influence, cognitive dissonance, social influence, and identity formation. Minors and Baptism - about age, development, and a religious decision meant to last a lifetime. Free Will or Learned Choice? - about how beliefs can develop before someone examines them independently.