Z - Self-reflection

Examining yourself without judging yourself RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Have you ever thought: • Why do I actually react so strongly to this? • Is this really my opinion, or did I adopt this belief? • Why do I keep repeating the same behavior even though I know it doesn’t help me? • What role do my upbringing, faith, and environment play in the choices I make? • Can I look at my own behavior without immediately feeling guilty? • How do I know what truly suits me? • Can I acknowledge that I was wrong about something without rejecting myself for it? This has to do with self-reflection . WHAT IS SELF-REFLECTION? Self-reflection means that you consciously look at your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behavior. You do not try to immediately determine: "Was this right or wrong?" but begin with: "Why did this happen to me?" For example: "Why do I become so tense when someone criticizes me?" "Why do I find it so hard to say no?" "Why do I feel guilty when I choose something for myself?" "Why do I actually believe what I believe?" Self-reflection means becoming curious about yourself. SELF-REFLECTION IS NOT THE SAME AS SELF-BLAME This distinction is very important. SELF-REFLECTION ↓ What happened? ↓ What did I think and feel? ↓ Why did I react like that? ↓ What can I learn from this? ↓ Insight SELF-BLAME ↓ What happened? ↓ What did I do wrong? ↓ Why am I like this? ↓ It’s my fault ↓ Guilt and shame Self-reflection tries to understand something. Self-blame tries to find someone guilty — and that person is yourself. WHY IS SELF-REFLECTION IMPORTANT? Much of what we think and do happens automatically. We grow up with ideas about: right and wrong; love; family; faith; sexuality; success; guilt; authority; God; ourselves; and other people. A child does not first critically examine all these ideas. It takes in a lot from its environment. That is normal. Only later can we begin to ask ourselves: "Do I actually believe this myself?" Self-reflection, as it were, creates a small space between what you have learned and what you now think for yourself. AN EXAMPLE Suppose someone has always been taught: "A good person puts others above themselves." Years later, that person notices that they can almost never say no. Without self-reflection, the conclusion may be: "That’s just the way I am." With self-reflection, different questions arise: "Why does saying no feel so wrong to me?" "What do I think will happen if I choose myself?" "When did I learn that my own needs are less important?" "Do I still actually believe that?" That does not immediately change the behavior. But something important does emerge: freedom of choice. HOW CAN THIS BE RECOGNIZABLE FOR (FORMER) JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES? For someone who has lived for years within the same faith community, beliefs can become deeply intertwined with family, friends, habits, and identity. That, incidentally, is not only true for Jehovah's Witnesses. It happens to anyone who lives for a long time within a particular cultural, religious, or social framework. After doubt or leaving, questions may suddenly arise such as: "What do I believe myself?" "Which standards do I want to keep?" "Which beliefs no longer fit me?" "Which things did I do out of conviction, and which out of a desire to belong?" "Which parts of my upbringing do I still value?" "Which do I want to do differently?" So self-reflection does not have to mean: Everything from the past was wrong. It can actually mean: I want to keep this. I want to examine this. This no longer fits me. I don’t know the answer to this yet. That last one is allowed too. SELF-REFLECTION AND FAITH Self-reflection does not have to mean that someone must let go of their faith. After investigating, a believer may דווקא say: "I’ve thought about this and I still believe this." Someone else may come to a different conclusion. The most important psychological difference is that a person is trying to consciously examine why they believe or do something. The outcome is not central. The investigation is central. WHEN REFLECTION TURNS INTO RUMINATION There is also a limit. Replaying the same event for hours on end is not automatically healthy self-reflection. "Why did I do that?" "Why did I say that?" "What if I had done this?" "If only I had..." When the same thoughts keep going around in circles without any new insight emerging, psychologists are more likely to call it ruminating or worrying . A simple distinction: Self-reflection: What can I understand or learn from this? Ruminating: Why did this happen? Why? Why? Why? Good self-reflection doesn't have to go on endlessly. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH IT? You can use five simple questions in a difficult situation: What happened? ↓ What did I think? ↓ What did I feel? ↓ Why did this affect me? ↓ What do I want to do with this? That last question is important. Self-reflection is not just looking back. It also helps you move forward. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT • Which beliefs from my childhood have I never consciously examined? • Which of them still fit me? • Which no longer do? • When do I react strongly from fear, guilt, or shame? • Which situations make me uncertain? • Whose approval am I seeking? • What happens when someone disagrees with me? • Which choices do I make because I truly want them? • Which choices do I make mainly because others expect them of me? • Can I look at my mistakes without rejecting myself as a person? • What have I learned about myself over the past few years? • Who do I want to be, apart from what others expect of me? SUMMARY Self-reflection means looking at your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behavior with curiosity. Not to judge yourself. But to understand yourself better. For people who grew up within a strongly shared faith or value system, self-reflection can help distinguish between: what I was taught ↓ what I experienced ↓ what I have examined for myself ↓ what I believe and value today You don't have to reject everything from your past. You may keep what suits you, re-examine what you doubt, and let go of what no longer belongs to you. Maybe self-reflection is ultimately mostly this question: "Is this who I truly want to be — or is this mainly who I was taught to be?"