Recognizable Questions

- Why did I do that?

- Why did I say that?

- Why am I reacting so strongly to this?

- Is this really my opinion, or have I adopted this belief?

- Why do I keep repeating behavior even though I know it doesn’t help me?

- What role do my upbringing, faith, and environment play in my choices?

- Can I look at my behavior without immediately feeling guilty?

- Can I acknowledge that I was wrong about something without rejecting myself as a person?

- How do I discover what truly fits me?

What is self-reflection?

Self-reflection means consciously paying attention to your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behavior, with the goal of understanding yourself better. In psychological research, self-reflection is distinguished from insight: thinking about yourself and truly understanding what is happening within you are not exactly the same thing. So simply looking inward a lot does not automatically lead to more clarity. SBP Journal
Self-reflection does not start with:

‘Was this right
or wrong?’

but rather with:

What happened?
      ↓
What did I think?
      ↓
What did I feel?
      ↓
Why did this
affect me?
      ↓
What can I
learn from this?

For example: ‘Why do I get so tense from criticism?’ ‘Why is it so hard for me to say no?’ ‘Why do I feel guilty when I choose for myself?’ ‘Why do I actually believe what I believe?’
The key is curiosity about yourself, not immediate judgment.

Self-reflection is not the same as self-blame

This distinction is important.

SELF-REFLECTION

What happened?
      ↓
What did I think and
feel?
      ↓
Why did I react
that way?
      ↓
What can I
learn from this?
      ↓
INSIGHT
SELF-BLAME

What happened?
      ↓
What did I do
wrong again?
      ↓
Why am I
like this?
      ↓
It’s my fault
      ↓
GUILT AND SHAME

Self-reflection tries to understand something. Self-blame easily turns an event into a judgment about you as a person.
Research on self-compassion emphasizes an attitude in which pain, mistakes, or shortcomings are viewed without harsh self-condemnation. That does not mean denying mistakes or avoiding responsibility; it does mean that ‘I did something I’m not happy about’ is something different from ‘there is something wrong with me as a person.’

Why is self-reflection important?

Much of what people think and do does not arise every time from a conscious decision. From a young age, we learn ideas about right and wrong, love, family, faith, sexuality, success, guilt, authority, God, ourselves, and other people.
A child does not first critically examine all those ideas. It learns from its environment. That is a normal part of development and socialization.
Later, we can look at them again:

What have I
learned?
     ↓
What have I
experienced?
     ↓
What have I
investigated myself?
     ↓
What do I
think today?

Self-reflection can thus create space between what was once taught as obvious and what you consciously endorse today.

An example

Suppose someone learned:
‘A good person always puts others before themselves.’
Years later, that person finds that saying no feels almost impossible.
Without much reflection, the conclusion may be:
‘That’s just who I am.’
With self-reflection, other questions arise:
‘Why does saying no feel so wrong?’
‘What do I think will happen when I choose for myself?’
‘When did I learn that my needs are less important?’
‘Do I still actually believe that myself?’

Automatic rule

‘I must always
choose others’
        ↓
Investigating
        ↓
‘Where does this
come from?’
        ↓
‘Do I still
believe this?’
        ↓
Choosing more consciously

That does not change behavior immediately. But it can create more room to make different choices.

How can this be recognizable among (ex-)Jehovah’s Witnesses?

For someone who has lived for years within the same faith community, beliefs can become deeply tied to family, friends, habits, and identity. That is not unique to Jehovah’s Witnesses; every person is shaped by long-term social, cultural, and religious environments.
Jehovah’s Witnesses themselves say that parents pass on Bible-based values and beliefs to their children, study the Bible with them, and take them to meetings. At the same time, the organization states that as children grow older, they must eventually decide for themselves whether they want to become Jehovah’s Witnesses.
After doubt or departure, new questions may therefore arise: ‘What do I believe for myself? Which standards do I want to keep? Which beliefs no longer fit me? What did I do out of conviction, and what perhaps also because I wanted to belong? Which parts of my upbringing do I still value?’
Self-reflection therefore does not have to mean:

‘Everything from before
was wrong’

It can just as well mean:

This is what I want to
keep

This is what I want to
look into

This no longer
fits me

Here I
don’t know yet

That last option is just as valid. You do not have to have a new answer for everything right away.

Self-reflection and faith

Self-reflection does not mean that someone has to abandon their faith.
A believer can, after examining things, say: ‘I have thought about this and I still believe it.’ Someone else may come to a different conclusion.
Psychologically, the most important difference is not which conclusion someone reaches, but whether there was room to consciously examine why something is believed or done.

Not:

‘What outcome
must I reach?’

But:

‘Do I have room
to truly examine
this?’

Self-reflection does not prescribe the outcome.

When reflection turns into rumination

Thinking a lot about yourself is not automatically healthy self-reflection.
Research distinguishes between more curious, investigative reflection and rumination: repetitive thinking that keeps circling around the same problems or feelings. Trapnell and Campbell explicitly distinguished these processes long ago; later research on repetitive thinking also shows that repeated thinking can be constructive or unconstructive, depending on, among other things, its form and function.

SELF-REFLECTION

What happened?
      ↓
What can I
understand?
      ↓
Does new insight
emerge?
      ↓
What do I want
to do with this?
RUMINATING

‘Why did I do this?’
      ↓
‘Why am I like this?’
      ↓
‘I wish I had...’
      ↓
the same thoughts
again
      ↓
little new insight

In research, rumination has been linked to, among other things, more negative thoughts, poorer problem-solving, and psychological complaints. That does not mean that every recurring thought is immediately problematic, but it does mean that thinking for a long time is not the same as thinking deeply. Sage Journals
A useful distinction is:
Self-reflection: ‘What can I understand or learn from this?’
Rumination: ‘Why did this happen? Why? Why? Why?’

You do not have to exonerate yourself

Examining yourself without judgment does not mean you never take responsibility.
Self-reflection can in fact lead to:

‘I did this’
       ↓
‘This was the result’
       ↓
‘Now I understand better
why I acted this way’
       ↓
‘What do I want to do
differently next time?’

Understanding why behavior arose is something different from saying that everything you did was therefore good.
You can therefore think both:
‘I understand myself better’
and
‘I want to do this differently next time.’

Which voice is actually mine?

Some beliefs feel so self-evident that we hardly notice we ever learned them.
Self-reflection can help separate different layers:

What have I
been given?
      ↓
What do I
feel automatically?
      ↓
What do I know
based on research?
      ↓
What do I
personally endorse?

That does not mean an acquired belief is automatically incorrect. A belief may have been taught by your parents or religious environment and still, after your own examination, fit you perfectly.
The question is not only where a belief came from, but also: do I endorse it myself now?

What can you do with it?

When something keeps weighing on you, you can use five simple questions:

What happened?
      ↓
What did I think?
      ↓
What did I feel?
      ↓
Why did
this affect me?
      ↓
What do I want
to do with this?

You can optionally add three more questions to that: Which earlier experiences or beliefs play a role? What facts do I truly know? Would I choose the same again?
Self-reflection is therefore not just about looking back. It can help to make future choices more consciously.

Questions to think about

  • Which beliefs from my childhood have I never consciously examined?

  • Which of those still fit me?

  • Which no longer do?

  • When do I react strongly out of fear, guilt, or shame?

  • Which situations make me feel insecure?

  • Whose approval do I seek a lot?

  • What happens to me when someone disagrees with me?

  • Which choices do I make because I truly want them?

  • Which choices do I make mainly because others expect them of me?

  • Can I look at a mistake without rejecting myself as a person?

  • When does thinking bring me insight, and when am I mostly going in circles?

  • What have I learned about myself over the past few years?

  • Who do I want to be, apart from what others expect of me?

  • Is this what I believe myself, or mostly something I have always taken for granted?

Summary

Self-reflection means looking with curiosity at your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behavior.
Not to excuse yourself and not to condemn yourself, but to better understand what is happening in you and why.

What have I
learned?
     ↓
What have I
experienced?
     ↓
What have I
examined myself?
     ↓
What do I now
believe and
value?

Self-reflection is not the same as endlessly thinking about yourself. When thinking keeps spinning in the same guilty or negative circles without new insight, it can start to look more like rumination.
You do not have to reject everything from your past. You can keep what fits you, re-examine what you doubt, and let go of what you no longer endorse.
Maybe self-reflection ultimately comes down to this question:

‘Is this who I
really want to be?

or

is this mainly who I
have learned to be?’

Sources and further reading

Anthony M. Grant, John Franklin & Peter Langford – The Self-Reflection and Insight Scale: A New Measure of Private Self-Consciousness, 2002. Research examining self-reflection and insight as separate but related processes.
Paul D. Trapnell & Jennifer D. Campbell – Private Self-Consciousness and the Five-Factor Model of Personality: Distinguishing Rumination From Reflection, 1999. Classic research on the distinction between curious reflection and more repetitive, negatively tinged rumination.
Edward R. Watkins – Constructive and Unconstructive Repetitive Thought, 2008. An extensive review of when repeated thinking can be helpful and when it becomes problematic instead. PubMed Central (PMC)
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Blair E. Wisco & Sonja Lyubomirsky – Rethinking Rumination, 2008. About rumination, negative thoughts, problem-solving, and the distinction from more adaptive forms of self-reflection.
Kristin Neff – Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself, 2003. About self-kindness, mindfulness, and approaching mistakes and difficult feelings without harsh self-judgment. Self-Compassion Institute
Jehovah’s Witnesses – Do Jehovah’s Witnesses force their children to adopt their faith? Official explanation in which the organization says that parents pass on Bible-based values to their children and that children later decide for themselves whether they want to embrace the faith. JW.ORG
Jehovah’s Witnesses – How do I become one of Jehovah’s Witnesses? Official explanation in which faith and baptism are described as personal decisions. JW.ORG

Read also

Autonomous thinking – How do you examine information and form your own judgment?
Codependency – How do you hear your own voice when other people’s opinions carry so much weight?
Cognitive dissonance – Why can information that conflicts with your beliefs create so much tension?
Internalization – How do outside ideas and norms become part of your own inner voice?
Ruminating – When does thinking about yourself turn into going around in circles?
Self-compassion – How do you take responsibility without tearing yourself down?