Shunning by family: dealing with partial or no contact

Shunning by family is for many ex-JG the most painful aspect of leaving. Parents, brothers, sisters, children — people you have loved all your life, who suddenly barely speak anymore. This article is not about how to 'fix' that, but about how to live with it. Not equal battles One thing that helps to understand: you and your family member are not in the same position. You made a choice based on your own considerations. They are acting from a system that tells them contact is a spiritual danger — for themselves and for you. They are not acting indifferently; they are doing what they believe is expected of them. That does not take away the pain. But it sometimes helps to see it as something other than personal rejection. Maintaining contact — when that is somewhat possible Some families have a moderate shunning policy: no in-depth conversations, but short messages on birthdays or on special occasions. If that is the case, there are ways to keep that minimal connection alive: Send a short, non-substantive but friendly message from time to time ('I'm thinking of you') without forcing a conversation about faith Show interest in their life — children, work, health — without commenting on the religious context Avoid discussions about doctrine or your own choices in those moments of contact — it makes it harder for them to maintain contact When there really is no contact For some people, there is truly no contact anymore. Parents who no longer pick up the phone, brothers who cross the street. That is a traumatic loss — comparable to a death, but without the social ritual that comes with a death. Give yourself room to grieve. This is a loss. Seek support from people who understand — other ex-JG, a therapist, or friends who take its seriousness seriously. Write letters you do not send — as a way to give your feelings a place. Hope and realism Some family relationships heal over time — sometimes because of a major event (illness, the death of a shared family member), sometimes because the family member themselves starts to doubt. That is real, but it offers no guarantees. If you hold on to hope: do that for yourself, not as a reason to put your own life on hold until they decide to restore contact. When children are involved If you have children who experience shunning from grandparents or aunts and uncles: tell them honestly, in an age-appropriate way, that something in the relationship is difficult — without humiliating the family member. Children are allowed to feel sadness about absent family members. That is the result of the situation, not of your choice.