Recognizable questions
- Have you ever experienced family shunning not as a fight, but as a quiet sorrow you can’t find words for?
- Do you recognize the feeling of wanting to stay in touch, but having to weigh each time how much you can or can’t say so the tension doesn’t get worse?
- Have you ever noticed that grieving a living parent, brother, sister, or child can feel almost the same as grieving someone who is no longer there?
- Have you ever been afraid to keep hoping for a restored family relationship, while also realizing you don’t want to put your life on pause?
- Have you ever struggled with how to explain to children, honestly, why some family members keep their distance, without painting anyone as the villain?
Family shunning is for many ex-JWs the most painful aspect of leaving. Parents, brothers, sisters, children — people you have loved all your life, who suddenly barely speak anymore. This article is not about how to 'fix' that, but about how to live with it.
Not equal fights
One thing that helps to understand: you and your family member are not in the same position. You made a choice based on your own considerations. They are acting from within a system that tells them contact is a spiritual danger — for themselves and for you. They are not being indifferent; they are doing what they believe is expected of them.
That does not take away the pain. But it can sometimes help to see it as something other than personal rejection.
Keeping in touch — when that is at all possible
Some families have a moderate shunning policy: no deep conversations, but short messages on birthdays or on special occasions. If that is the case, there are ways to keep that minimal connection alive:
Send an occasional short, non-committal but friendly message ('I’m thinking of you') without forcing a conversation about faith
Show interest in their lives — children, work, health — without commenting on the religious context
Avoid discussions about doctrine or your own choices in those moments of contact — it makes it harder for them to maintain contact
When there really is no contact
For some people, there truly is no contact anymore. Parents who no longer answer the phone, brothers who cross the street. That is a traumatic loss — comparable to a death, but without the social ritual that comes with a death.
Give yourself space to grieve. This is a loss.
Seek support from people who understand — other ex-JWs, a therapist, or friends who take its seriousness seriously.
Write letters you do not send — as a way to give your feelings somewhere to go.
Hope and realism
Some family relationships are restored over time — sometimes through a major event (illness, the death of a shared family member), sometimes because the family member themselves begins to have doubts. That is real, but it offers no guarantees.
If you hold on to hope: do it for yourself, not as a reason to put your own life on hold until they decide to restore contact.
When children are involved
If you have children who experience shunning from grandparents or aunts and uncles: tell them honestly, in age-appropriate terms, that something in the relationship is difficult — without humiliating the family member. Children are allowed to feel sad about absent family members. That is the result of the situation, not of your choice.
