Recognizable questions

- Why do I sometimes feel less than when someone else succeeds?

- Why do I automatically compare my appearance, relationship, job, or life with other people’s?

- Why can the success of someone who is like me hit harder than the success of a stranger?

- Why does it sometimes seem like everyone is further ahead than I am?

- Can jealousy or envy tell me something without me judging myself for it?

- How can I compare without another person’s life becoming the yardstick for my own self-worth?

- What is social comparison?

People do not judge themselves only on the basis of objective facts.

We also look at others.

Am I successful?

Do I look good?

Am I doing enough?

Am I a good parent?

Am I ahead or behind?

For many such questions, there is no objective measuring stick. That is why people use each other as reference points.

Psychologist Leon Festinger described this in 1954 in his theory of social comparison.

I want to know:
‘How am I doing?’

        ↓

there is no clear standard

        ↓

I look at others

        ↓

‘How am I doing compared with them?’

        ↓

that affects
how I judge myself

So comparing is not automatically unhealthy.

It can provide information, inspire, and help us figure out what we ourselves find important.

But it can also hurt when comparison keeps turning into:

She has more, so I am less.

Jealousy or envy?

In everyday conversation we use the word jealousy for different feelings.

Psychologically, a distinction is usually made.

ENVY

‘You have something
I would like too.’

for example:
success
appearance
money
recognition
freedom
talent


JEALOUSY

‘I’m afraid of losing
something I have
to someone else.’

for example:
partner
attention
friendship
position

If you see that someone your age has a beautiful house and you suddenly feel like you are coming up short, psychologically that is more about envy and social comparison than jealousy.

That doesn’t mean envy necessarily means you wish the other person harm.

Sometimes it simply means:

I see something in you that I long for myself.

Why do we compare ourselves especially with certain people?

Not everyone is an equally strong comparison.

A billionaire on the other side of the world may not affect you much.

But someone your age, from your own environment, and with about the same background can suddenly touch a nerve.

Why?

Because it is easier to think:

That life could have been mine too.

The comparison feels more relevant.

THE MORE SOMEONE
LIKES ME

age
background
profession
stage of life
opportunities

        ↓

THE MORE RELEVANT
THE COMPARISON CAN FEEL

That is why a friend’s success can sometimes stir up more feelings than a celebrity’s success.

That does not automatically make you a bad friend.

It mainly means that her situation is close enough to yours to function as a yardstick.

Upward comparison

When you compare yourself with someone who seems to be doing better in a certain area, psychologists call that an upward comparison.

For example:

She has a nicer house.

He has a better job.

She looks younger.

Their children are doing better.

She seems happier.

Such a comparison can go either way.

SHE IS FURTHER AHEAD THAN I AM
        ↓
     ↙       ↘
INSPIRATION   FALLING SHORT

‘I want      ‘Why don’t
that too.’    I have that?’

   ↓              ↓
motivation    shame /
             envy /
          feelings of inferiority

So the same person can inspire you one day and make you feel insecure the next.

The difference is not only in who you compare yourself with, but also in what that comparison means to you.

Downward comparison

We also compare ourselves with people who seem to be doing worse in a certain area.

That is called downward comparison.

For example:

My job is hard, but at least I have a job.

My relationship isn’t perfect, but theirs is much more complicated.

That can offer temporary reassurance.

But here too, comparison mainly tells you where you place yourself in relation to someone else.

It does not change anyone’s worth.

Research into social comparison has long distinguished between upward and downward comparison. The effects are not always simple either: a “better” other person can discourage or inspire, while a “worse” comparison can bring reassurance but also trigger other emotions.

When comparison turns into self-worth

The problem arises especially when the brain turns:

She has something I don’t have.

into:

So she is doing better than I am.

and then:

So she is better than I am.

DIFFERENCE

she earns more
        ↓
INTERPRETATION

she is more successful
        ↓
JUDGMENT

I’m falling behind
        ↓
IDENTITY

I am less

Between the first and the last step, a great deal has happened without you noticing.

A difference has turned into a judgment about your worth as a person.

But someone can:

  • have more money and be unhappy;

  • have a nice house and huge debts;

  • have a successful career and feel lonely;

  • show a happy family and have problems behind the scenes;

  • be ahead in one area and not in ten others.

You almost never compare two whole lives.

You usually compare one visible part of another person’s life with a much fuller picture of yourself.

Why social media are so tempting for comparison

Social media constantly provide possible points of comparison.

Holidays.

Relationships.

Bodies.

Children.

Careers.

Houses.

Parties.

Achievements.

But what you see is usually not a random sample from someone’s life.

People relatively often share what is striking, fun, beautiful, or meaningful.

WHAT I SEE IN MYSELF:

doubt
boredom
arguments
bills
insecurity
failures
ordinary Tuesdays


WHAT I SEE IN OTHERS:

holiday
promotion
nice photo
new house
party
milestone

That easily creates an unfair comparison:

my full reality

versus

their selected moments

Research on social media, comparison, and well-being does not, incidentally, tell a simple story in which social media make everyone unhappy. The effects differ from person to person and situation to situation. Still, social comparison and envy do regularly occur in social media use, and certain forms of upward comparison in particular can be linked to lower well-being.

Envy as information

Envy is an unpleasant emotion, and for that reason people often want to push it away as quickly as possible.

But sometimes it contains useful information.

Suppose someone says:

“I quit my job and started my own business.”

And you immediately feel something unpleasant.

You might think:

How childish. I’m jealous.

But you can also ask:

What exactly is affecting me here?

Maybe you’re not jealous of her business.

Maybe you long for:

  • freedom;

  • courage;

  • recognition;

  • financial independence;

  • creativity;

  • a fresh start.

‘I AM JEALOUS’
       ↓
don’t judge immediately
       ↓
‘What do I long for?’
       ↓
freedom?
recognition?
love?
adventure?
security?
success?
       ↓
information about
what matters to me

So the emotion does not have to take over.

But you can listen to it.

Research on envy even distinguishes between forms that can motivate someone to improve themselves and forms in which attention shifts more toward putting the other person down.

Comparison within a close-knit faith community

Religious communities are not free from social comparison either.

Where people live together, visible differences naturally arise.

Within a community of Jehovah’s Witnesses, someone may notice who:

  • is a pioneer;

  • is given certain responsibilities;

  • often comments at meetings;

  • is seen as “spiritually strong”;

  • appears to have an exemplary family;

  • reaches certain spiritual goals.

That does not mean everyone is constantly competing with one another.

People can genuinely be happy about the efforts and achievements of others.

But once certain roles receive visible appreciation, people may also start measuring themselves against them.

‘SHE DOES MORE’
       ↓
‘SHE IS SPIRITUALLY STRONGER’
       ↓
‘I DO TOO LITTLE’
       ↓
‘THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME’

That last step does not necessarily follow from the first.

Even so, it can arise quite easily psychologically.

Among Jehovah’s Witnesses, the role of pioneer still exists, for which there is a formal hour requirement for preaching. As a result, some forms of dedication are concretely visible and measurable.

After leaving the group, comparing doesn’t stop automatically

Sometimes the old measuring stick disappears, but a new one just shows up.

First:

Am I spiritual enough?
Am I doing enough in the preaching work?
Do I have the right reputation?
Am I reaching spiritual goals?

Later:

Have I made enough of a career?
Do I earn enough?
Do I have enough friends?
Do I look good enough?
Am I sufficiently ‘healed’ yet?
Have other ex-JWs rebuilt their lives
faster than I have?

The content changes.

The mechanism can stay the same:

How am I doing compared with the people around me?

That’s why freedom does not mean that you never compare yourself again.

That probably isn’t realistic.

Freedom lies more in recognizing:

I’m comparing myself. But I don’t have to turn this comparison into a judgment about my worth.

From external to personal standards

A useful shift is from:

How am I doing compared with her?

to:

How am I doing compared with where I started?

OTHER PEOPLE AS THE MEASURING STICK

‘Where does she stand?’

        ↓

‘Then I know where I should stand.’


MY OWN DEVELOPMENT AS THE MEASURING STICK

‘Where did I stand?’

        ↓

‘What have I learned?’

        ↓

‘Where do I want to go?’

That doesn’t mean you never look at others.

Another person can be a source of inspiration.

But you can borrow information without making their life your norm.

Three questions for a painful comparison

When someone triggers something in you, you can ask yourself:

1. WHAT AM I COMPARING?

Money?
appearance?
relationship?
children?
work?
freedom?
recognition?


2. WHAT DON’T I KNOW?

What sacrifices?
problems?
help?
chance?
circumstances?
background?


3. WHAT DOES THIS TELL ME ABOUT MYSELF?

Do I really want this?
Or have I learned
that I was supposed to want this?

That last question is especially important.

Because not every standard by which you judge yourself is one you chose for yourself.

Is this measuring stick actually mine?

Maybe you think:

By my age, you’re supposed to own a house.

A good mother does this.

A successful person earns this much.

An attractive woman looks like this.

Someone who has their life together has a relationship.

But where does that standard come from?

I’M FALLING BEHIND

      ↓

according to which measuring stick?

      ↓

who made that measuring stick?

      ↓

does it actually fit
the life I want?

Sometimes comparison doesn’t disappear because you try harder to win.

Sometimes it disappears because you decide you don’t want to take part in that competition at all.

Questions to reflect on

- Who do I compare myself with most often?

- Why that particular person or group?

- On what area do I then feel I fall short?

- Am I comparing my whole life with one visible part of someone else’s?

- What information about that other person’s life do I not see?

- What might my envy say about something I myself long for?

- Do I really want that, or do I think I should want it?

- Which standards have I taken over from my family, faith, environment, or social media?

- How would I assess my progress if I compared myself with my former self?

- Can someone else have more without that making me less?

In summary

Comparing is human.

Another person can show us:
what is possible,
what we desire,
where we stand.

But:

DIFFERENCE
is not the same as
FALLING SHORT.

And:

‘she has more’
does not mean
‘I am less’.

The most important question therefore is
not only:

‘How am I doing
compared with others?’

but also:

‘Am I increasingly living
according to the values
that are truly mine?’

Scientific sources

  • Leon Festinger — A Theory of Social Comparison Processes, Human Relations, 1954.

  • Jason P. Gerber et al. — A Social Comparison Theory Meta-Analysis 60+ Years On, Psychological Bulletin, 2018.

  • W. Gerrod Parrott & Richard H. Smith — Distinguishing the Experiences of Envy and Jealousy, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1993.

  • Niels van de Ven — Envy and Its Consequences: Why It Is Useful to Distinguish Between Benign and Malicious Envy, Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 2016.

  • Adrian Meier & Benjamin K. Johnson — Social Comparison and Envy on Social Media: A Critical Review, Current Opinion in Psychology, 2022.

  • Jehovah’s Witnesses — Style and Terminology Guide, current description of pioneering service and the associated hourly requirement.