H - Attachment

Questions to reflect on

- Why do I get so restless when someone I love goes a long time without contacting me?

- Why am I sometimes afraid that someone will leave me, even when there are few concrete signs of that?

- Why do I pull away just when someone gets emotionally very close?

- Why do I want connection and, at the same time, feel the urge to create distance?

- Is that always because of my childhood?

- Can I feel much safer with one person than with another?

- Am I forever ‘anxiously’ or ‘avoidantly’ attached?

- Can attachment change through later relationships?

- And how can I allow closeness without losing myself?

What is attachment?
In psychology, attachment refers to emotional bonds in which someone seeks safety, closeness, protection, or support from an important other.

Attachment theory is especially associated with John Bowlby and later with the research of Mary Ainsworth.

In a young child, for example, it concerns questions that are not thought in words, but that can, so to speak, become visible in behavior:

If I am afraid...

will someone come?

Can I be comforted?

Is this person
available?

Can I explore
the world from safety?

In attachment theory, two functions are therefore often important:

SAFE HAVEN

In times of stress or fear
I can seek closeness
and support


SECURE BASE

Because I feel
safe enough, I dare
to explore and
be independent

So attachment is not only about wanting to be close to someone.

It is precisely from sufficient safety that independence can also develop. A good attachment relationship can provide a foundation from which someone explores the world and to which they can return when under stress. Research on parent-child attachment explicitly distinguishes attachment from other aspects of parenting, such as discipline, play, or teaching.

Attachment is not the same as ‘loving’ someone

You can love someone deeply and still experience insecurity in the relationship.

And a child can be attached to a caregiver who does not always take good care of them.

So in psychology, the word attachment does not simply mean:

“We have a good bond.”

It is more specifically about patterns around:

closeness,

distance,

safety,

availability,

support,

and responding to threat or separation.

Bowlby: expectations from relationships

Bowlby proposed that experiences with important caregivers contribute to so-called internal working models: expectations about yourself and others in relationships.

In simple terms:

What do I learn
again and again?

        ↓

“Are others
available to me?”

“Am I someone
others want to
care for?”

“What happens
when I need support?”

That does not mean a child consciously constructs a theory about relationships.

The idea is that repeated experiences can shape expectations.

For example:

I am upset
      ↓
someone usually responds
reliably
      ↓
“Closeness can
be safe”

Or:

I seek support
      ↓
responses are
unpredictable
      ↓
“I need to pay extra
close attention to whether
someone stays available”

Or:

I seek support
      ↓
closeness is often
rejected
      ↓
“Maybe it is better
to need very little”

These are simplified examples, not fixed formulas.

Mary Ainsworth and the Strange Situation

Mary Ainsworth and colleagues developed the Strange Situation, a standardized research procedure used to examine how young children respond to an unfamiliar environment, brief separations from a caregiver, and reunion.

This originally produced patterns described as:

secure,

avoidant,

ambivalent/resistant.

Later, disorganized behavior was added as an additional classification.

But this is where confusion often arises online.

These classifications were developed to describe the behavior of young children within a specific relationship and research procedure.

They are not meant to be permanent personality labels.

NOT:

“This child IS
an avoidant person”


BUT:

“In this relationship
and situation we see
this attachment pattern”

That difference is essential.

Attachment can even differ from person to person

A child may behave differently toward one caregiver than toward another.

A major review specifically emphasizes that infant attachment patterns can be relationship-specific: the same child may show different patterns with different caregivers.

That idea remains important later on as well.

You can, for example:

have a lot of trust in friends,

but become insecure in romantic relationships.

Or you may feel:

safe with your partner,

but tense around your parents.

ATTACHMENT

is not necessarily:

one permanent state
for everyone

And adult attachment?

Research on adults often uses terms like:

attachment anxiety

and

attachment avoidance.

These are better seen as dimensions rather than rigid categories.

Attachment anxiety, for example, has to do with concerns such as:

Does the other person really want me?

Will he stay available?

Am I important enough?

Will I be left?

Attachment avoidance is more about discomfort with dependence and emotional closeness:

I’d rather figure it out myself.

I don’t want to become dependent.

If someone gets too close, I want space.

I’d rather not talk about what I need.

MORE ATTACHMENT ANXIETY

“Please stay
with me”


MORE AVOIDANCE

“Please don’t
come too close”

People can score low or high on both dimensions.

That gives rise to the popular categories:

secure,

anxious,

avoidant,

and sometimes anxious-avoidant.

But those labels are mainly summaries of patterns, not psychiatric diagnoses.

You are not your attachment style

I think this is one of the most important sentences in this article.

Not:

“I am anxiously attached.”

but perhaps:

“I notice that in certain relationships I experience a lot of attachment anxiety.”

Or:

“When someone gets emotionally close, I tend to pull away.”

IDENTITY

“I am avoidant”


PATTERN

“I notice that I
pull away when
things become vulnerable”

The second phrasing leaves much more room to explore:

when it happens,

with whom,

why,

and whether it can change.

The internet sometimes oversimplifies the categories

On social media, you can easily find videos like:

“Ten signs that you’re anxiously attached.”

or:

“This is how you recognize an avoidant.”

That can be validating.

But the risk is that normal relationship reactions are turned into fixed identities.

For example:

“My partner sometimes wants to be alone, so he is avoidant.”

That doesn’t follow.

Maybe:

he is tired,

needs time to think,

has different communication habits,

or wants more distance in that specific relationship.

BEHAVIOR

“I need some time
alone tonight”

        ≠

DIAGNOSIS

“avoidantly attached”

Patterns over time and context say more than one behavior.

Anxious does not mean ‘needy’ and avoidant does not mean ‘cold’

Labels can become moralizing.

A person with a lot of attachment anxiety is sometimes described as:

clingy,

dependent,

or dramatic.

A person with more avoidance as:

cold,

selfish,

or emotionally unavailable.

That is too simple.

Behind behavior there may, for example, be an attempt to regulate safety.

ANXIETY

seeking more closeness
seeking more reassurance


AVOIDANCE

taking more distance
handling more things yourself
showing less vulnerability

That does not fully explain behavior and does not excuse harmful behavior.

But it does make clear why a character label alone adds little.

Example: a partner doesn’t reply

Suppose your partner normally responds quickly.

Now messages go unanswered for five hours.

Person A thinks:

“He’s probably busy.”

Person B feels tension within an hour:

“Is he angry?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Does he want to get rid of me?”

and sends three more messages.

Person C notices the same tension, but does something different:

“I don’t want to be dependent. Forget it.”

and replies distantly the next day.

THE SAME SITUATION:

no reply


RESPONSE A
“He’s probably busy”


RESPONSE B
“Soon I’ll lose him”


RESPONSE C
“I’ll pull away first”

None of these reactions by itself proves an attachment style.

But when the same pattern shows up often, attachment can be a useful framework for looking at it.

Another example: vulnerability

A partner says:

“Lately I’ve been feeling insecure, and I’d like a bit more attention from you.”

One person may respond:

“Thanks for telling me. Let’s see what we can do.”

Another immediately feels:

“I never do enough.”

One third:

“This is getting to be too much for me. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Here too, attachment is not only about what someone does, but about the expectations that closeness activates.

Why can our brains develop such expectations?

Because relationships need predictability.

When something happens often, people learn patterns.

That applies not only to relationships.

experience
      ↓
expectation
      ↓
anticipation
      ↓
behavior

If important others are usually available, trust can grow.

If closeness is very unpredictable or rejecting, someone may develop other strategies.

But here is an important correction:

early caregiving is not the only cause.

Your childhood does not determine your entire relational future

This is sometimes presented far too strongly in popular attachment literature:

“Your current relationships are simply the result of what your parents did to you.”

Research does not support that in such a deterministic form.

A meta-analysis of 127 studies with 21,072 attachment measures found moderate stability of attachment security over development (r = .39). The greater the time between measurements, the less stability there was on average; for intervals of more than fifteen years, this meta-analysis found no significant stability.

A more recent meta-analysis on early childhood likewise found moderate, not perfect, stability.

So:

EARLY RELATIONSHIPS

can matter

        but

are not a lifelong
sentence

Later relationships matter too

Partners, friends, and other important relationships can provide new experiences.

Research that followed people from adolescence into adulthood found links between the quality of relationships in the family of origin and later romantic relationships and attachment security in adult relationships.

That fits an important principle:

old expectation

“others are
not available”

        +

new experience

“this person keeps
coming back”

        ↓

expectations can
slowly change

Not necessarily quickly.

Not the same for everyone.

But possible.

Life events can change attachment

A large longitudinal study followed more than 4,000 adults through all kinds of life events.

About half of the types of events examined were associated with immediate changes in attachment orientation.

Many changes shifted back toward the earlier pattern.

But on average, about a quarter of the events studied also led to more lasting change, with large individual differences.

That is a helpful correction to two extremes:

NOT:

“My attachment
is fixed forever”


BUT ALSO NOT:

“One good relationship
erases everything”

Attachment can show both continuity and change.

You can become more secure later in life

Long-term research shows that attachment anxiety and avoidance can, on average, decrease over the life course. In a study combining data from ages 13 to 72, both decreased on average with age; being in a relationship was also associated with lower anxiety and avoidance.

That does not mean:

“Everyone becomes securely attached automatically as they get older.”

What it does mean:

attachment is more dynamic than a lifelong label suggests.

Security can even fluctuate within one relationship

Recent longitudinal studies increasingly look at partner-specific attachment.

Research with 1,741 adults found, for example, that attachment anxiety within newer romantic relationships could fluctuate more strongly than within longer-term relationships.

So someone can not only:

be different with different people,

but also:

feel more secure or less secure at different times within the same relationship.

Attachment is partly:

personal pattern

        and

relationship

        and

situation

        and

time

Temperament and predisposition play a role too

It is therefore too simplistic to attribute every attachment reaction solely to upbringing.

Recent twin research among older adults found indications that differences in adult attachment orientations are associated with both genetic and non-shared environmental factors. The exact proportions from one study should not be treated as universal percentages, but the study does support the idea that adult attachment does not arise from a single cause.

That fits a broader developmental picture:

ATTACHMENT

early relationships
+
temperament / disposition
+
later relationships
+
life events
+
culture
+
current context

So it’s not automatically ‘your parents’ fault’

Some people discover attachment theory and think:

“Now I know why I am the way I am. My mother attached me wrong.”

That is usually far too simplistic.

Parents can have a major influence.

But:

children differ,

families change,

parents respond differently to different children,

other caregivers play a role,

and later relationships can reinforce or change earlier expectations.

Even a loving parent can have a child who experiences a great deal of insecurity.

And someone with difficult early experiences can later develop very secure relationships.

Attachment theory is therefore better used as:

“Take a look at
relationship patterns”

rather than:

“Find the person to blame
in your childhood”

Secure attachment does not mean you are never afraid

This too is sometimes misunderstood.

A securely attached person:

can be afraid of being abandoned,

can be jealous,

can argue,

can want some distance for a while,

and can need reassurance.

Security does not mean having no emotions.

It is more about flexibility:

I can seek closeness

without completely
losing control


and

I can tolerate distance

without automatically
expecting that
the relationship is over

Attachment anxiety is not the same as abandonment fear

The concepts can overlap, but they are not identical.

Someone may be afraid of being abandoned because of:

a recent breakup,

a partner’s betrayal,

grief,

trauma,

an unsafe current relationship,

or all kinds of other circumstances.

That does not automatically mean that person has a lasting ‘anxious attachment style.’

SYMPTOMS

“I’m afraid that
you’ll leave”

        ≠

automatically

FIXED ATTACHMENT STYLE

Context remains important.

Avoidance is also not the same as needing to be alone

Some people simply need more time alone.

Introversion is not an attachment disorder.

A boundary is not avoidance.

After an argument, cooling off for an hour is not automatically insecurely attached behavior.

It becomes more interesting when a pattern emerges such as:

closeness
      ↓
discomfort
      ↓
pulling away
      ↓
not daring to express
needs
      ↓
relationship stays
emotionally distant

Even then, it remains a pattern to understand, not a judgment on character.

‘Disorganized attachment’ calls for extra caution

On social media, disorganized attachment is sometimes used as if it simply means:

“I want closeness and then I push someone away.”

The scientific origin is much more specific.

Disorganized attachment was developed as a classification of behavior in young children in the Strange Situation.

Experts explicitly warn that this classification:

is not an individual diagnostic tool,

does not prove that a child has been abused,

does not strongly predict later psychopathology at the individual level,

and is not an unchangeable trait of the child.

So:

“I alternate between
closeness and distance”

        ≠

“so I have
disorganized attachment”

For adult relationship patterns, dimensions such as anxiety and avoidance are often clearer.

An attachment pattern is not an attachment disorder

This distinction also belongs in the article.

When adults online say:

“I have an attachment disorder because I’m avoidant”

two different things are being confused.

Insecure attachment or high attachment anxiety/avoidance are not psychiatric diagnoses.

Clinical attachment disorders are specific diagnostic terms that primarily relate to severe disruptions in early care and behavior in children.

INSECURE
ATTACHMENT PATTERN

        ≠

CLINICAL
ATTACHMENT DISORDER

A review on disorganized attachment also explicitly warns that disorganized attachment and attachment disorder are not the same.

Attachment and mental health are related — but they are not the same

A large meta-analysis of 224 studies, 245 samples and 79,722 participants found that more attachment anxiety and avoidance on average was associated with poorer indicators of mental health and fewer positive well-being indicators. The associations were of moderate size on average; attachment anxiety was more strongly associated with negative mental health than avoidance.

But:

CORRELATION

        ≠

“insecure attachment
causes all my
psychological complaints”

Depression, anxiety, and loneliness can affect relationships.

Relational experiences can affect psychological well-being.

And both can influence each other mutually.

What can attachment look like in a relationship?

Suppose two partners have an argument.

One says:

“Can we please sort this out now? I can’t sleep while we’re fighting.”

The other:

“I really can’t talk right now. I need to leave.”

A familiar pattern can then emerge:

PERSON A

more insecure
      ↓
seeks more contact


PERSON B

feels more pressure
      ↓
takes more distance


A sees distance
      ↓
becomes even more anxious


B experiences more demand
      ↓
takes even more distance

This is how a pursue-withdraw pattern can arise without either person consciously wanting to hurt the other.

Attachment can then help ask:

“What is each of us trying to keep safe right now?”

The goal is not: who has the wrong style?

A pitfall is:

“I’m anxious and you’re avoidant, so you’re causing my anxiety.”

or:

“You’re needy, so I must need to keep my distance.”

Then a psychological framework turns into ammunition during an argument.

NOT:

“Your attachment style
is the problem”


BUT:

“What happens
between us when
one of us feels
unsafe?”

Relationships are interactions.

Asking for closeness is not weak

Some people have learned:

“If I need someone, I’m dependent.”

But people are biologically and socially dependent on relationships.

Seeking support is therefore not automatically unhealthy.

Research with couples actually shows that attachment security is linked to more adaptive processes of seeking support, giving support, and receiving support.

Healthy can be, for example:

“I’m feeling insecure. Can you tell me where we stand?”

That is different from demanding:

“You have to reassure me every fifteen minutes, otherwise you prove you don’t love me.”

Asking for distance is also not automatically rejection

Likewise, someone might say:

“I’m upset. Give me an hour and then we’ll talk again.”

That can be healthy self-regulation.

The difference lies, for example, in:

HEALTHY DISTANCE

“I’ll come back to this
tonight”


UNPREDICTABLE
WITHDRAWAL

disappears for days
without explanation

Clarity and predictability can increase relational safety.

Attachment and religious belonging

Religious communities can fulfill important relational functions.

People find, for example:

family,

friends,

mentors,

rituals,

social support,

and a sense of home.

That is not the same as attachment in the strict parent-child sense.

But the broader human need for safety, belonging, and the availability of important others can be strongly affected by it.

FAITH

can be about:

belief


COMMUNITY

can simultaneously be about:

connection
family
friendship
safety
belonging

That is why changes in faith can be deeply consequential relationally.

How might this be recognizable around Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Among Jehovah’s Witnesses, faith and social relationships can be closely intertwined.

That does not have to be a problem for an active member.

A shared faith community can in fact offer a great deal of connection, routine, and support.

But when someone’s religious position changes, some relationships can also change.

In doing so, it is important to represent the current official rules accurately.

JW.org says that someone who simply becomes less active or stops attending meetings is not automatically shunned; fellow believers are actually encouraged to support such a person.

For someone who has been disfellowshipped, a different official rule applies. The current FAQ says that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not have “casual association” with such a person. Since the 2024 changes, individual Witnesses may, according to their conscience, decide to invite a disfellowshipped person to a meeting and greet them there. For family members living in the same household, JW.org says that the normal day-to-day family relationship remains.

That means the social consequences can vary greatly depending on the situation.

Losing contact is not the same as an attachment disorder

Suppose someone loses important family contact after a religious change.

The person may:

experience intense grief,

become afraid of losing people again,

seek more reassurance,

or keep new relationships at a distance.

It would be too hasty to say:

“That’s because of an attachment disorder.”

REAL LOSS

can activate attachment needs

        without

someone having an
attachment disorder

When important relationships are truly uncertain or lost, tension around closeness is not automatically an irrational reaction.

There is research on the experiences of former Jehovah’s Witnesses — but it is limited

A qualitative study interviewed ten former Jehovah’s Witnesses about experiences of disfellowshipping. The interviewees reported, among other things, loneliness, loss of control, worthlessness, and mistrust after leaving or being disfellowshipped.

That study is relevant as a description of possible experiences.

But ten interviews cannot tell us:

how often this occurs worldwide,

how every former Witness responds,

or whether such experiences cause a particular attachment style.

That distinction is important.

Leaving religion can strengthen existing patterns — or create new ones

Suppose someone was already sensitive to being abandoned.

If, after a change in beliefs, multiple important people truly distance themselves, the thought:

“People leave me when I am myself.”

may become stronger.

Another person may instead learn:

“I never want to become dependent on a group again.”

and then keep a lot of distance.

LOSS

can sometimes lead to:

more clinging

or:

more distance

or:

grief without a lasting
attachment pattern

There is no universal ex-JW reaction.

New relationships can provide corrective experiences

Someone may later meet people who show them:

“You may disagree with me and I will stay.”

“You may set a boundary and I won’t leave.”

“You don’t have to perform to matter to me.”

For someone who expected otherwise, that can be new relational information.

OLD EXPECTATION

“If I deviate,
I lose love”


NEW EXPERIENCE

“We differ
and the relationship stays”


SLOWLY:

“Maybe closeness
can work like this too”

That is one way attachment expectations can change.

New safety does not mean the past disappears

A good partner or therapist does not erase old experiences.

Certain situations can reactivate old responses.

For example:

an argument,

long silence,

a looming breakup,

or someone suddenly pulling away.

The difference may be that someone gradually learns to think:

“I recognize what is happening in me right now.”

and then respond differently.

TRIGGER
      ↓
old expectation
      ↓
recognition
      ↓
new response possible

Changing does not mean you never feel anything again.

Can therapy change attachment?

Research suggests it can, but not as a simple guarantee.

A meta-analysis of 36 studies with 3,158 clients found that people who were more securely attached at the start of therapy on average had better treatment outcomes. Improvements in attachment security during therapy were also associated with better outcomes. For clients with less secure attachment, there were preliminary indications that therapy with attention to interpersonal relationships may be especially helpful.

Recent experimental research in depression treatment likewise found a small average increase in attachment security during both interpersonal therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy; an early increase was associated with fewer depressive symptoms after treatment.

So:

THERAPY

can help
change relational
patterns

but:

no therapy
guarantees one fixed
‘secure attachment style’

A therapist can also offer a relational experience

In therapy, someone can practice:

needing something,

discussing disappointment,

stating boundaries,

repairing misunderstandings,

and experiencing that conflict does not necessarily lead to loss.

A meta-analysis found a small but reliable association between greater attachment security and a stronger therapeutic alliance.

That makes the therapeutic relationship itself potentially relevant.

But therapy does not always have to be specifically called attachment therapy in order to change relational patterns.

Be careful not to endlessly analyze yourself

Attachment theory can feel extremely recognizable.

But online, it is easy for a new kind of control to emerge:

Why did I answer like that? That’s my anxious attachment.

Why do I want to spend an evening alone? I must be avoidant.

Why do I doubt? That must be my childhood trauma.

Then every human behavior becomes a symptom.

ATTACHMENT THEORY

can be a map

but does not have to
explain the entire
landscape

Sometimes you’re just tired.

Sometimes your partner really is unreliable.

Sometimes you rightly want some distance.

Sometimes you’re afraid because there really is something uncertain.

Context is still necessary.

Not every relationship needs to be ‘fixed’

Also important:

attachment security does not mean you have to learn to trust everyone.

If someone:

lies repeatedly,

is violent,

crosses boundaries,

or is constantly unpredictable,

then distance may actually be wise.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

does not mean:

“trust everyone”


but can also mean:

“I can recognize
who is trustworthy”

A nervous system that responds to truly unsafe circumstances does not simply need to be ‘unlearned’.

What do I actually need?

Instead of only:

“What attachment style do I have?”

a much more practical question may be:

“What do I need to feel sufficiently safe in this relationship?”

For example:

clarity,

predictability,

affection,

space,

an agreed time to come back to an argument,

honesty,

or knowing where the relationship stands.

NOT ONLY:

“What’s wrong with me?”


BUT:

“What is happening
between us and
what do I need?”

That makes attachment more relational and less judgmental.

Learning to ask clearly

A person with a lot of insecurity may indirectly test:

“You’d rather be without me, I’m sure.”

But underneath that may be:

“I need reassurance that we’re still okay.”

A clearer formulation:

“I notice I’m getting insecure because we’ve been in little contact. Can you tell me how you’re experiencing this?”

TESTING

“You don’t
love me anymore,
I’m sure”


ASKING

“I feel insecure
and need
clarity”

That gives the other person more chance to actually respond to your need.

Distance can also be communicated clearly

Instead of:

going silent,

disappearing,

or abruptly cutting off contact,

someone can say:

“I’m too upset right now to talk properly. I need two hours, and then I’ll get back to you.”

DISTANCE

        +

PREDICTABILITY

can be safer than:

DISTANCE
without explanation

So you don’t have to set closeness and autonomy against each other.

Boundaries and attachment

A secure relationship does not mean:

“We have to share everything all the time.”

On the contrary, boundaries can increase safety.

You can:

love and say no,

be connected and want to be alone,

ask for support and make decisions independently,

disagree and stay.

SECURE CLOSENESS

“I am allowed
to need you”

        and

“I am allowed
to remain myself”

That connects nicely with your question:

Can I ask for closeness without losing myself?

Yes — that is precisely an important form of relational safety.

What can you do with this?

When a relationship strongly activates you, don’t immediately try to find the right label.

First examine the pattern:

1. EVENT

What happened?


2. FEELING

What did I feel?


3. EXPECTATION

What was I afraid of?


4. RESPONSE

Did I seek more closeness
or more distance?


5. NEED

What did I actually
need?


6. REALITY

Is my expectation
in this relationship
also objectively justified?

That last one is essential.

Maybe you’re expecting abandonment from an old pattern.

But maybe your current partner really is unreliable too.

Attachment theory should never explain away current facts.

Look at patterns, not one argument

Ask:

What usually happens when I’m vulnerable?

Can I ask for support?

How does the other person respond?

Can a conflict be repaired?

Can I set a boundary?

Can the other person do that too?

Do I feel like I constantly need proof of love?

Do I keep pulling away as soon as someone really gets to know me?

ONE EVENT

says little


REPEATED PATTERN

gives more
information

Questions to think about

What do I expect when someone I love pulls away?

Do I quickly think: “He needs space” or: “He’s going to leave me”?

What do I do when I’m afraid of losing someone?

Do I seek contact, control, reassurance, or distance?

Can I say directly that I need someone?

What happens in me when someone needs me?

Does emotional closeness feel good, suffocating, or both?

Which people feel safe and predictable to me?

Am I the same with every important person, or does that differ by relationship?

Which expectations from past relationships do I still recognize?

Which later relationships have shown something different?

Do I see my attachment pattern as an identity, or as something I can explore?

Do I sometimes use attachment labels to pin down my partner or myself?

Is my fear an old pattern, or is my current relationship truly uncertain?

Can I ask for space without disappearing?

Can I ask for closeness without needing control over the other person?

Can I miss someone without losing myself?

Can I trust someone without giving up my boundaries?

And perhaps the most important:

What do I expect
will happen

when I truly
show:

“I need you”

Summary

Attachment is about expectations and behavior around closeness, safety, support, and availability of important others.

Bowlby developed attachment theory and Ainsworth studied early attachment patterns, among other things, using the Strange Situation. Those early classifications are relationship-specific research concepts, not lifelong personality diagnoses.

In adult attachment, two dimensions are often examined:

ATTACHMENT ANXIETY

“Will you stay available?”


ATTACHMENT AVOIDANCE

“How comfortable am I
with dependence
and closeness?”

Popular labels such as secure, anxious, and avoidant can make patterns easier to understand, but they become misleading when they turn into:

“This is just who I am.”

Research shows both stability and change. A large meta-analysis found moderate stability of attachment security over development, not perfect continuity; with very long intervals, the association weakened significantly.

Longitudinal research in adults shows that later life experiences, relationships, and circumstances can change attachment orientations — sometimes temporarily and sometimes more lasting.

That means:

CHILDHOOD

can have influence

        but

CHILDHOOD

is not a lifelong
sentence

Also, an insecure attachment pattern should not be confused with an attachment disorder, and the popular label disorganized attachment should not simply be applied to every adult who seeks both closeness and distance. Expert reviews explicitly warn that disorganized infant attachment is not a fixed trait, not proof of abuse, and not a clinical diagnosis in itself.

For someone from a close religious community, loss or change in important relationships can strongly affect attachment needs.

Among Jehovah’s Witnesses, accuracy matters here: according to the official FAQ, someone who is merely less active is not shunned. For someone who has been disfellowshipped from the congregation, the official policy is that casual social contact is restricted, although since 2024 greeting someone at a meeting and inviting them to one can, in certain situations, be a matter of conscience.

Relational loss can therefore be genuinely devastating.

But:

GRIEF OVER LOSS

        ≠

attachment disorder

Perhaps the most important message of attachment theory is therefore not:

“Your childhood determined who you are.”

but:

Relationships teach us
something about what we
expect from people

        and

new relationships can
teach us new things too

Safety can grow when someone repeatedly experiences:

“I can come close without losing myself.”

“I can need space without being abandoned.”

“We can be different and still stay connected.”

“Conflict does not have to mean the end of the relationship.”

Sources and further reading

John Bowlby – Attachment and Loss. Bowlby developed attachment theory around the function of proximity, protection, and so-called internal working models of relationships. His work formed the theoretical basis for later empirical attachment research.

Mary Ainsworth, Mary Blehar, Everett Waters & Sally Wall (1978), Patterns of Attachment. Classic research on the Strange Situation and early patterns of secure, avoidant, and ambivalent/resistant attachment. A modern review describes the method, concepts, and important misunderstandings surrounding infant attachment.

Marinus van IJzendoorn et al. / meta-analytic research on early attachment. A recent meta-analysis of attachment stability in early childhood found moderate stability, showing that attachment is neither completely random nor immutable.

Martin Pinquart, Mark R. Feußner & Lisa Ahnert (2013), Meta-analytic Evidence for Stability in Attachments From Infancy to Early Adulthood. Analysis of 127 publications and 21,072 attachment measurements. On average, moderate stability was found, with stability decreasing as the time between measurements grew longer.

R. Chris Fraley, Omri Gillath & Pascal Deboeck (2021), Do Life Events Lead to Enduring Changes in Adult Attachment Styles? Longitudinal research involving more than 4,000 participants. Life events were regularly associated with changes in attachment orientations; some changes proved more lasting, with large differences between individuals.

Chopik et al. (2019), Longitudinal Changes in Attachment Orientation Over a 59-Year Period. Research using data from adolescence to old age found that attachment anxiety and avoidance decreased on average over the life course.

Rachel Dinero et al. (2008), Influence of Family of Origin and Adult Romantic Partners on Romantic Attachment Security. Longitudinal research linking both interactions in the family of origin and later romantic relationships to adult attachment security.

Zhang & Labouvie-Vief (2004), Stability and Fluctuation in Adult Attachment Style Over a 6-Year Period. Attachment style was partly stable but also showed clear fluctuation; changes were associated with coping and well-being.

Madigan et al. / Granqvist et al. – reviews on disorganized attachment. This literature warns against using infant disorganized attachment as a diagnosis, proof of abuse, or an immutable trait.

Zhang et al. (2022), The Relationship Between Adult Attachment and Mental Health: A Meta-Analysis. Meta-analysis of 224 studies with nearly 80,000 participants; greater attachment anxiety and avoidance was on average associated with less favorable mental health outcomes.

Levy, Kivity, Johnson & Gooch (2018), Adult Attachment as a Predictor and Moderator of Psychotherapy Outcome: A Meta-Analysis. Meta-analysis of 36 studies and 3,158 clients. Greater attachment security was associated with better therapy outcomes, and improvement in security during therapy could be associated with better outcomes.

Jehovah’s Witnesses – How Do Jehovah’s Witnesses Treat Former Believers? Current official explanation about those who have been removed from the congregation: no socializing; an disfellowshipped person may attend meetings and may be greeted there, depending on the conscience of individual Witnesses.

Jehovah’s Witnesses – Help for Those Removed From the Congregation (2024). Official explanation of the changes from 2024, including inviting people to meetings and greeting them as a matter of personal conscience in certain situations.

Ransom, Monk & Heim (2023), What Happens to Those Who Exit Jehovah’s Witnesses: An Investigation of the Impact of Shunning. Small qualitative study with ten former Jehovah’s Witnesses who described experiences of shunning. Relevant as experiential research, but because of the small and selective sample it is not suitable for determining how often such effects occur among all ex-JWs.