Recognizable Questions
- Why do I get tense when plans suddenly change?
- Why do I most want to know in advance exactly what is going to happen?
- Why do I find it hard to leave something to someone else or to chance?
- Why do I keep checking even though I know rationally that I can’t prevent everything?
- Why does planning give me peace of mind, but can I become restless when the plan doesn’t work out?
- When does control help me, and when does it start to limit me?
- Why can freedom sometimes feel unsettling?
- How do I learn to deal with things whose outcome I can’t know?
What is the need for control?
By need for control we mean a strong desire to make situations, outcomes, or sometimes other people’s behavior predictable and manageable. Some need for control is completely normal. People plan, prepare, gather information, and try to influence their environment. A sense of control can even be linked to well-being and effective action.
It becomes especially interesting when:
‘I’d like to know
what’s going to happen’
changes into
‘I have to know
what’s going to happen,
otherwise I can’t
stay calm’Need for control is not an official psychiatric diagnosis. It can occur without a mental disorder and may be related to various factors, such as personality, experiences, stress, anxiety, perfectionism, or difficulty tolerating uncertainty.
Control is not the same as a need for control
There is nothing unhealthy about making a plan, gathering information, thinking ahead, confirming appointments, keeping track of your finances, or preparing for a trip. The real question is what function the checking serves.
HEALTHY CONTROL
‘I’m preparing
because that’s practical.’
versus
CONTROL OUT OF FEAR
‘I have to arrange
everything, otherwise
I won’t feel safe.’The same behavior can therefore stem from different motives. Two people may both carefully plan their vacation. One enjoys organizing; the other becomes highly anxious as soon as anything deviates from the schedule.
It is often not the planning itself, but especially the flexibility when reality turns out differently that says more.
Why does predictability feel so good?
Predictability reduces uncertainty. When you know where you’re going, what is expected of you, when something will happen, which rules apply, and what the likely outcome will be, your brain has less need to account for unknown possibilities.
Some people find uncertainty more unpleasant or threatening than others. In psychology, this is studied under terms including intolerance of uncertainty.
A pattern can then unfold like this:
Uncertainty
↓
Tension
↓
More planning
checking
asking
thinking ahead
↓
Temporary reliefThat very relief can make you try even faster next time to create certainty.
Need for control and intolerance of uncertainty are not the same
The concepts overlap, but they do not mean exactly the same thing.
NEED FOR CONTROL
‘I want to
get a grip on this.’
INTOLERANCE
OF UNCERTAINTY
‘I find not knowing
really hard.’Someone can like being in charge without becoming especially anxious about uncertainty. Conversely, someone may struggle to tolerate uncertainty and therefore check a lot, ask for reassurance, or gather information endlessly.
Need for control is therefore more about grip and predictability; intolerance of uncertainty is more about how difficult it feels not to know what will happen.
Where can the need for control come from?
There usually isn’t just one cause. For some people, structure is simply pleasant. For others, experiences may play a role.
Anyone who has experienced that unexpected events had major consequences, that mistakes were judged harshly, or that the environment was difficult to predict may later place extra value on preparation and certainty.
But that does not mean:
‘If you have a need for control, you must have experienced chaos in the past.’
Psychology is rarely that simple.
Possible factors
personality
upbringing
experiences
stress
anxiety
uncertainty
↓
greater need
for predictabilityThe pattern can also vary. Someone may be very flexible during calm periods and seem to need much more control during times of stress.
A daily example
You’ve carefully planned a day off. At 6:00 p.m. you want to eat at a restaurant you chose in advance. You arrive and see: closed.
In practical terms, there may be little wrong; two streets over there are other restaurants. Yet strong tension can still arise: “But that wasn’t in the plan. Where are we supposed to go now? We’ll probably end up finding nothing. The whole evening is going wrong.”
Restaurant closed
↓
Plan changes
↓
Loss of
predictability
↓
Great tensionThe intensity of the reaction doesn’t have to be about the restaurant alone. What may feel especially difficult is: “I don’t quite know how this is going to go.”
Why does checking give short-term relief?
Suppose you’re afraid of missing an appointment tomorrow. You look in your calendar and see the appointment there. That gives peace of mind.
Ten minutes later you think: “Did I see the right date?” You check again.
Doubt
↓
Checking
↓
Relief
↓
New doubt
↓
Check againNot every double-check is a problem. But when checking is mainly used to make every feeling of uncertainty disappear immediately, your brain gets little chance to learn something else:
“I can tolerate uncertainty without checking again.”
What is within my influence — and what is not?
A useful distinction is that between influence and full control.
For example, you have influence over how well you prepare, what information you gather, what you say, what choice you make, what boundaries you set, and how you respond.
But you usually can’t fully determine what other people do, whether someone likes you, whether a flight is delayed, whether you get sick, how a conversation exactly goes, or what happens next year.
WITHIN MY INFLUENCE
prepare
ask questions
choose
set boundaries
respond
NOT FULLY
UNDER MY CONTROL
other people
chance
the past
the future
all outcomesThe need for control can increase when we put a lot of energy into the second category.
Letting go of control does not mean becoming passive
The alternative to wanting to control everything is not:
“I don’t have any influence anyway, so I won’t do anything.”
A more balanced starting point is:
Not:
‘I must be able to
control everything’
Also not:
‘I can do
nothing about it’
But:
‘Where do I have influence,
and what do I need to
learn to tolerate?’That distinction is precisely what helps you spend energy on what you can truly influence.
The illusion of control
Psychologist Ellen Langer introduced the term illusion of control in 1975: people can sometimes feel more personal influence over random events than is objectively justified.
A classic example is a lottery number you choose yourself. Choosing it yourself can make you feel more in control, while the chance of winning stays the same.
This is not the same as a need for control, but it does show:
Feeling of control
≠
Real controlThat’s why “Can I actually do anything about this?” can sometimes be a more useful question than “How do I get this completely under control?”
Strong structure can also bring peace of mind
Clear structures can feel psychologically comfortable. That applies to schools, companies, sports teams, families, military organizations, and religious communities.
When it is clear what matters, what is expected of you, which rules apply, and where to go with questions, you don’t have to make every decision completely from scratch.
That can provide peace of mind, stability, and meaning.
It becomes interesting when someone has long been used to very clear frameworks and then ends up in an environment with far more open choices.
Many clear
guidelines
↓
Less need to figure
everything out yourself
↓
Later, many
open choices
↓
‘But how do I know
what to choose?’That doesn’t mean the earlier structure was bad. It mainly shows that structure and autonomy can serve different psychological needs.
How might this be recognizable among Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Jehovah’s Witnesses have a clear religious framework of Bible laws, principles, teachings, and shared beliefs.
At the same time, official publications emphasize that there are areas where individual Witnesses must make a conscience-based decision themselves. Examples include recreation, education, work, friends, and entertainment. According to the organization’s own explanation, worldwide unity does not mean dictating every personal choice.
So it would be too simplistic to say:
‘As a Jehovah’s Witness, you never have to make your own choices.’
That does not match the official description.
There are, however, clear religious principles within which decisions are weighed, for example the question of which Bible principles apply and whether a choice makes Jehovah happy.
For someone who shares that faith, this can actually provide direction and reassurance.
A current or former Jehovah’s Witness can also ask: ‘What is it like for me when there is no clear religious guideline for a decision?’
When the familiar framework falls away
Some former Jehovah’s Witnesses may notice that freedom does not initially feel pleasant. Questions suddenly become more open: What do I think about relationships? What do I want to do with my work? What do I consider morally acceptable? Which people do I want as friends? What do I still believe? Which traditions do I want to adopt or not adopt?
That does not prove that a religious environment made someone control-oriented.
It can, however, fit a transition from many familiar reference points to having to weigh things up more for yourself.
‘What are the guidelines?’
becomes more often:
‘What do I think,
what do I base that on
and what do I choose?’For some people that space feels liberating, for others temporarily overwhelming, and for many probably both.
Control over other people
The need for control can also focus on relationships: ‘I want to know where my partner is.’ ‘I want my children to do exactly what was agreed.’ ‘I want to know what someone thinks of me.’
It is normal that other people’s behavior affects us. But other people have a will of their own.
I CAN:
be clear
ask questions
set boundaries
make agreements
I CANNOT:
guarantee
what the other person
thinks, feels
or ultimately doesThat is why setting boundaries and exerting control can look alike while being different.
A boundary says: ‘If this happens, I decide what I do.’
Control more often says: ‘You have to change so that I don’t feel tension.’
When does control help and when does it cost freedom?
You can ask yourself three questions.
1. Does my control solve a real problem? Checking a route before you leave is practical.
2. Does my control only bring short-term relief, after which I have to check again? Then fear may play a bigger role.
3. What does the control cost me? Think of time, energy, spontaneity, relationships, sleep, or opportunities.
CONTROL HELPS WHEN:
preparation
↓
problem smaller
CONTROL CAN LIMIT WHEN:
uncertainty
↓
more and more control
↓
less and less freedomPracticing with small uncertainties
You do not have to let go of control all at once. When something triggers a lot of anxiety, a small step may be more useful.
For example: not checking the entire restaurant menu in advance, not filling every free afternoon completely, sending a message without rereading it ten times, letting someone else organize part of an outing, or not immediately checking why someone has not replied yet.
The goal is not: ‘I’m not allowed to plan anything anymore.’
The goal is to give your brain a new experience:
I don’t know exactly
what will happen
↓
I feel tension
↓
I don’t have to
fix it right away
↓
I can handle itWith severe anxiety or compulsive checking, professional support may be wiser than simply exposing yourself to major uncertainties.
From certainty to trust in yourself
The need for control often seeks safety through the environment:
‘I am safe if I know what is going to happen.’
But safety can also grow out of something else:
‘I don’t know exactly what is going to happen, but I trust that I can respond when it does.’
OLD SAFETY
Everything has to
be predictable
NEW SAFETY
Not everything is
predictable
but I can
adaptThat is not a guarantee that everything will turn out well. It is trust in your ability to deal with unexpected events.
What can you do with this?
Start by being precise about what you’re trying to control. Then ask: Can I really influence this? Can I influence it partly? Or am I trying to make certain something that remains fundamentally uncertain?
Distinguish between useful preparation and control that is mainly meant to reduce tension right away. You can deliberately allow small, safe uncertainties to remain. When you feel the urge to check again, you can, for example, wait a moment and observe what happens to the tension.
A useful question is:
Does this checking
help me with the problem?
or
does it mainly help me
not feel uncertain
for just a moment?Both can sometimes be true. The goal is to learn to tell them apart.
Questions to reflect on
- What exactly am I trying to control right now?
- What is truly within my influence?
- What is partially within my influence?
- What ultimately lies outside my control?
- Which uncertainties are hardest for me to tolerate?
- What do I think will happen if I don’t check once?
- How often does checking bring lasting peace of mind, and how often only briefly?
- Am I mainly getting tense because of the problem itself, or because my plan changes?
- What small deviation from my plan could I tolerate today?
- Do I sometimes try to manage someone else’s behavior to reduce my own uncertainty?
- Can I make a decision without knowing in advance with 100 percent certainty that it will turn out well?
- Do I need safety because everything stays predictable, or can safety also grow because I trust myself when something changes?
Summary
The need for control is the strong desire to make situations, outcomes, or sometimes other people predictable and manageable. It is not an official diagnosis.
A sense of influence is not unhealthy in itself and can actually be helpful. It becomes harder when uncertainty feels almost impossible to tolerate and more and more control seems necessary to reduce tension.
The core issue is therefore not:
‘I have to let go of control.’
but:
What do I have influence over?
What can I prepare for?
What remains uncertain?
And do I trust that
I can handle
that?Safety does not have to mean that everything is predictable. It can also grow from the experience that you can tolerate unexpected situations, choose again, and adapt.
Sources and further reading
Michel J. Dugas, Naomi Koerner & Mark H. Freeston – State of the Science: Intolerance of Uncertainty, 2026. On more than thirty years of research into intolerance of uncertainty, worry, anxiety, cognitive processes, and treatment.
Mehdi Akbari et al. – A hierarchical uncertainty framework of anxiety, 2026. Meta-analysis on the links between intolerance of uncertainty, worry, and different forms of anxiety.
R. Nicholas Carleton – The intolerance of uncertainty construct in the context of anxiety disorders, 2012. On intolerance of uncertainty as fear of the unknown and a broader process in anxiety.
Emily J. Wilson, Maree J. Abbott & Alice R. Norton – The impact of psychological treatment on intolerance of uncertainty in generalized anxiety disorder, 2023. Systematic review and meta-analysis on treatment and intolerance of uncertainty.
Ellen J. Langer – The Illusion of Control, 1975. Classic research on perceiving more personal control over random events than is objectively present.
Jehovah’s Getuigen – Use Bible principles to train your conscience, 2026. Official publication explaining that in various areas there is not always a specific rule and that Witnesses use Bible principles for personal decisions.
Jehovah’s Getuigen – What do Jehovah’s Witnesses believe? Official explanation about worldwide unity and room for personal decisions.
Jehovah’s Getuigen – How can I make good decisions? Official explanation about weighing options, gathering information, and taking responsibility for decisions.
Read also
Catastrophizing – Why does your mind, when faced with uncertainty, sometimes jump straight to the worst possible outcome?
Cognitive load – What happens when you try to keep track of too much at once?
Intolerance of uncertainty – Why can “I don’t know” be so hard to tolerate?
Perceived control – Why can the feeling of having influence actually be psychologically healthy?
Free will – How free does a choice feel when uncertainty, fear, or possible consequences weigh heavily?
Autonomous thinking – How do you make choices when no one else or no fixed framework is giving the answer anymore?
