Questions to reflect on

- Do you recognize the feeling of wanting to be honest about what you think, while at the same time being afraid of losing important relationships?

- Have you ever noticed that what may seem self-evident to the outside world no longer quite fits who you are on the inside?

- Do you sometimes feel the tension between staying loyal to your family or community and staying loyal to your own conscience?

- Have you ever wondered whether you are making a choice out of conviction, or mainly out of fear of the consequences?

- Do you know the feeling of constantly adapting yourself, and wondering what price that may carry in the long run?

RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS

Have you ever thought:

• Am I still true to myself?

• Am I allowed to be honest about what I really believe?

• What if my beliefs change?

• Can I stay true to myself and still keep my family?

• Am I being selfish if I choose my own path?

• What hurts more in the end: denying myself, or losing people I love?

• Can I be happy when I live according to expectations that no longer fit me?

For many people, this is not a theoretical question.

It can be one of the hardest choices of their lives.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF?

Being true to yourself means trying to live in line with your own values, beliefs, and conscience.

That does not mean you never doubt yourself.

Nor does it mean you always know for sure what the right choice is.

It does mean that you try to be honest with yourself.

Sometimes you discover that beliefs change.

That can happen through new experiences, conversations, study, or personal growth.

That is a normal part of life.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

People have two fundamental psychological needs.

The first is connection.

We want to belong somewhere.

We long for family, friends, and people who know us.

The second is autonomy.

We also want to feel that we are allowed to live our own lives and make choices that fit who we are.

Usually these needs go together well.

But sometimes they clash.

For example, when being honest about your beliefs means you could lose important relationships.

Then it feels as if you have to choose between two things that are both of great value.

SOMETIMES THERE ARE NO PAINLESS CHOICES

Some people stay within a community because connection weighs most heavily for them.

Others choose to be honest about their beliefs, even when that has major consequences.

Still others spend years searching for a middle ground.

None of these choices is simple.

Every situation is different.

That is why it is important to be careful with statements like:

"You just have to be yourself."

or:

"You just have to stay for your family."

Reality is often much more complicated.

HOW CAN THIS BE RECOGNIZABLE WITHIN JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES?

For many Jehovah's Witnesses, faith, family, friends, and community are closely connected.

For some people, a change in beliefs can therefore affect not only their faith, but also their social life.

Some former Jehovah's Witnesses describe how they wondered:

"Can I be honest about what I think without losing my family?"

Others chose not to share their doubts out of fear of the consequences.

There are also people who stay within the community and feel happy there.

Every personal situation is different.

So the goal of this chapter is not to prescribe a choice, but to show why this trade-off can be so heavy.

WHAT DOES PSYCHOLOGY SAY?

Research shows that authenticity — living in line with your own values — is on average associated with greater psychological well-being.

At the same time, research also shows that connection is a fundamental human need.

That means both matter.

When someone feels they have to choose between being true to themselves and keeping their social network, sadness, doubt, guilt, and grief can arise.

That is a understandable human response.

IS THERE A RIGHT CHOICE?

Psychology does not give a general answer to that.

There is no research that says:

"Everyone will be happier by leaving."

But nor is there research that says:

"Everyone will be happier by staying."

What is the best choice for one person may not be the best choice for another.

What can help, though, is to honestly ask yourself:

Am I living from conviction?

Or am I mainly living from fear?

That is a question only you can answer.

WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH THIS?

Take your time.

Big life decisions do not have to be made in one day.

Talk to people you trust.

Read different sources.

Explore what matters to you.

And try to distinguish between:

What do I really believe?

and

What am I afraid of if I’m honest about what I believe?

Those are two different questions.

QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT

• Which values are really mine?

• Which beliefs have I examined for myself?

• Am I afraid of the truth, or of the consequences of the truth?

• What role does fear play in my choices?

• What role does love play?

• Can I understand other people’s choices, even when I make different ones?

• What would my life look like if I could be completely honest?

• What price do I pay when I keep adapting myself?

• What price do I pay when I stop doing that?

• Which choice best fits my conscience?

SUMMARY

Being true to yourself does not mean you no longer take others into account.

And belonging does not mean you have to lose yourself.

For some people, these two needs go hand in hand naturally.

For others, they clash.

When faith, family, and identity are closely intertwined, being honest about your beliefs can become one of the hardest choices of your life.

There is no simple solution that works for everyone.

What can help, though, is to explore step by step which choice best fits your values, your conscience, and your life.

Perhaps the most important question in the end is not:

"Which choice is easiest?"

But:

"With which choice can I still look in the mirror in ten years?"

SCIENTIFIC SOURCES

Baumeister, R. F. & Leary, M. R. (1995). The Need to Belong
An influential article describing belonging as a fundamental human need and an important factor in psychological well-being.

Deci, E. L. & Ryan, R. M. – Self-Determination Theory
This theory describes autonomy, relatedness, and competence as three basic psychological needs. When people experience that they can make their own choices and feel connected to others, this is on average associated with greater well-being.

Kernis, M. H. & Goldman, B. M. – Authenticity Theory
Research into authenticity shows that living in accordance with your own values and beliefs is on average associated with greater psychological well-being, although the path to get there can be difficult.