T - Be true to yourself

When belonging and honesty seem to be in conflict RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Have you ever thought: • Am I still true to myself? • Am I allowed to be honest about what I truly believe? • What if my beliefs change? • Can I stay myself and keep my family? • Am I selfish if I choose my own path? • What ultimately hurts more: denying myself, or losing people I love? • Can I be happy when living according to expectations that no longer fit me? For many people, this is not a theoretical question. It can be one of the hardest choices of their lives. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF? Being true to yourself means trying to live in line with your own values, beliefs, and conscience. That does not mean you never doubt. Nor does it mean you always know for sure what the right choice is. It does mean that you try to be honest with yourself. Sometimes you discover that beliefs change. That can happen through new experiences, conversations, study, or personal growth. That is a normal part of life. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT? People have two fundamental psychological needs. The first is belonging . We want to be part of something. We long for family, friends, and people who know us. The second is autonomy . We also want to feel that we are allowed to live our own lives and make choices that fit who we are. Usually these needs work well together. But sometimes they clash. For example, when being honest about your beliefs means you could lose important relationships. Then it feels like you have to choose between two things that are both deeply valuable. SOMETIMES THERE ARE NO PAINLESS CHOICES Some people stay within a community because belonging matters most to them. Others choose to be honest about their beliefs, even when that has major consequences. Still others search for years for a middle ground. None of these choices is simple. Every situation is different. That is why it is important to be cautious with statements like: "You just have to be yourself." or: "You just have to stay for your family." Reality is often much more complicated. HOW CAN THIS BE RECOGNIZED WITHIN Jehovah's Witnesses? For many Jehovah's Witnesses, faith, family, friends, and community are closely connected. For some people, a change in beliefs can therefore affect not only their faith, but also their social life. Some former Jehovah's Witnesses describe asking themselves: "Can I be honest about what I think without losing my family?" Others chose not to share their doubts out of fear of the consequences. There are also people who stay within the community and feel happy there. Every personal situation is different. The goal of this chapter is therefore not to prescribe a choice, but to show why this trade-off can be so difficult. WHAT DOES PSYCHOLOGY SAY? Research shows that authenticity - living in line with your own values - is on average associated with greater psychological well-being. At the same time, research also shows that belonging is a fundamental human need. That means both are important. When someone feels they must choose between being true to themselves and keeping their social network, sadness, doubt, guilt, and grief can arise. That is a understandable human reaction. IS THERE A RIGHT CHOICE? Psychology does not give a general answer to that. There is no research that says: "Everyone is happier by leaving." But neither is there one that says: "Everyone is happier by staying." What is the best choice for one person does not have to be the best for another. It can help to honestly ask yourself: Am I living from conviction? Or am I mainly living from fear? That is a question only you can answer. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH THIS? Take your time. Big life decisions do not have to be made in one day. Talk to people you trust. Read different sources. Explore what matters to you. And try to distinguish between: What do I truly believe? and What am I afraid of if I am honest about what I believe? Those are two different questions. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT • Which values are truly mine? • Which beliefs have I explored myself? • Am I afraid of the truth, or of the consequences of the truth? • What role does fear play in my choices? • What role does love play? • Can I have understanding for the choices of others, even when I make different choices? • What would my life look like if I could be completely honest? • What price do I pay when I keep adapting myself? • What price do I pay when I no longer do that? • Which choice best fits my conscience? SUMMARY Being true to yourself does not mean you no longer take others into account. And connectedness does not mean you have to lose yourself. For some people, these two needs naturally go together. For others, they clash. When faith, family, and identity are closely intertwined, being honest about your beliefs can become one of the hardest choices of your life. There is no simple solution that applies to everyone. It can help to explore step by step which choice best fits your values, your conscience, and your life. Perhaps the most important question in the end is not: "Which choice is the easiest?" But: "With which choice can I still look in the mirror in ten years?" SCIENTIFIC SOURCES Baumeister, R. F. & Leary, M. R. (1995). The Need to Belong An influential article describing how connectedness is a fundamental human need and important for psychological well-being. Deci, E. L. & Ryan, R. M. – Self-Determination Theory This theory describes autonomy, connectedness, and competence as three basic psychological needs. When people experience that they can make their own choices and feel connected to others, this is on average associated with greater well-being. Kernis, M. H. & Goldman, B. M. – Authenticity Theory Research into authenticity shows that living in accordance with your own values and beliefs is on average associated with greater psychological well-being, although the path toward it can be difficult.