O - Ostracism

O - OSTRACISM When the people who were part of your life no longer allow you to be part of theirs RECOGNIZABLE QUESTIONS Why does being left out hurt so much, sometimes even years later? Why do I miss my family and friends so much, while at the same time knowing that I do not want to go back to my old faith? Why does it feel like I have lost not only people, but also part of myself? Who can I still talk to about my childhood when the very people who were there no longer have contact with me? Why can the thought “if I go back, maybe I’ll get everyone back” feel so appealing? Why do I feel guilty because my family thinks I am the one who caused this situation? Can I miss people intensely and still stay true to myself? These feelings may be related, among other things, to ostracism . WHAT IS OSTRACISM? Ostracism means that someone is ignored or excluded by one or more others. That can be very visible: someone is no longer invited or spoken to. But it can also happen quietly. Messages go unanswered. People look away when you run into each other. Family conversations continue without you. People who were a natural part of your life for years treat you as if you no longer belong. So there does not need to be shouting, threatening, or insulting for exclusion to hurt. Psychologist Kipling Williams has been researching ostracism for decades. His research shows that social exclusion can threaten four fundamental human needs: Belonging Do I still belong somewhere? Self-esteem Am I still important to others? Control Can I do anything to change this situation? A meaningful existence Am I still seen? Do I still matter? Even relatively short experimental situations of exclusion can affect these needs. Long-term loss of contact with people with whom someone has a strong emotional bond is, of course, far more complex. WHY DOES EXCLUSION HURT SO MUCH? Humans are social beings. Throughout our evolutionary history, other people were important for protection, food, cooperation, care, and survival. We see something similar in many social animals. In different social species, relationships with peers can be linked to health and chances of survival. The comparison with a herd is therefore understandable. But scientifically, we cannot say: “An animal that is cast out of its herd usually dies.” The reality is too different from species to species and situation to situation for that. What we do know is that isolation in social animals can have serious consequences and that strong social bonds in different species are associated with health and survival. Social connectedness is also important for human health and well-being. That is why exclusion can be experienced much more deeply than just: “Too bad, these people no longer talk to me.” It can feel like: “My family still exists. My group still exists. I’m just no longer part of it.” YOU ARE NOT JUST LOSING PEOPLE This may be one of the hardest parts of long-term exclusion. Your family and old friends are not only people you love. They are witnesses to your life. Your brother still knows what your childhood home looked like. Your sister still knows what happened during that one vacation. Your parents know events from your childhood. A childhood friend may still know people and situations you could laugh about together years later. With someone who was there, sometimes all you need to say is: “Do you remember?” And the other person knows exactly what you mean. Sometimes it is precisely nice to talk about the past together. Not because you want to stay stuck in the past, but because shared memories are part of human connection. Research on autobiographical memory shows that memories do not only help preserve events from our past. They also have social and identity functions. When many of the people who witnessed your past disappear at the same time, you do not literally lose part of your memory or identity. But it can feel that way. As if part of your life archive can suddenly no longer be shared. IT CAN FEEL LIKE AN AMPUTATION Some people describe long-term loss of their social environment as: “It feels as if a part of me has been amputated.” That is not a medical description of ostracism. It is a metaphor. But the image is understandable. The people who disappear can be intertwined with twenty, thirty, forty, or more years of your life. Your childhood. Your upbringing. Your relationships. Your children. Vacations. Sorrow. Jokes. Mistakes. Family stories. Moments that almost nobody else knows ever existed. New people can become incredibly important. But someone you meet today cannot also have been there when you were ten. That is why the remark: “Then why not just make new friends?” can fall short. New people can make new memories with you. But they do not automatically replace a shared past. GRIEVING PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL ALIVE Ostracism can therefore cause a special kind of loss. The people you miss have not died. They are still alive. Maybe they do not even live far from you. You know your mother, father, brother, sister, child, or old friend simply goes on living. But you are no longer, or hardly any longer, part of that life. Researchers who interviewed former Jehovah's Witnesses used the description “grieving the living” for this: mourning the living. In that study, former Jehovah's Witnesses described, among other things, ostracism, loss of social identity, and reduced psychological well-being. It was a small qualitative study. The findings therefore cannot be applied to every former Jehovah's Witness. But the phenomenon is indeed being studied scientifically. The version on your website rightly notes this limitation. AND YET YOU KNOW: I MAY BE ABLE TO GO BACK This creates a very complicated dilemma. The people are still there. And maybe you know: If I go back to the faith, I may be taken in by everyone again. On the one hand, you may think: I no longer believe what I used to believe. I do not want to live within a system I no longer believe in. I want to be able to make my own choices. I want to stay true to myself. And at the same time, another thought may be very present: But I miss my people. You may want your mother back. Your children. Your brothers and sisters. Your friends. The people who know your history. The familiar feeling of belonging somewhere. Those two feelings can exist at the same time. You can miss your family intensely without believing in the faith again. And you can stand by your choice while at the same time feeling deep grief over its consequences. “BUT DIDN’T I CHOOSE THIS MYSELF?” Here, heavy feelings of guilt can arise. Family members may think or say: “You left.” “This is your choice.” And over time, you may start thinking that yourself too. That is why it can help to separate two different choices. The one choice may be: “I can no longer say I believe something when I no longer believe it.” The other choice may be: “Because you no longer believe the same as we do, we have no or limited contact with you.” Those are not the same decisions. That does not automatically mean family members have bad intentions. They may sincerely believe that their actions are religiously right or necessary. But someone who changes their religious beliefs is not automatically responsible for every social consequence others attach to that change. You can think at the same time: “I understand that they are acting from their faith.” and: “It hurts tremendously what this is doing to our relationship.” WHY GOING BACK CAN FEEL SO ATTRACTIVE This is important for family members and helpers to understand. Someone may consider returning without being convinced of the faith again. Perhaps what that person misses most is: the family; the friends; the community; the familiarity; the shared history; the obvious “we” . That is why, when someone says: “Maybe I should just go back.” a key follow-up question can be: “What exactly do you miss?” The answer may be: “Not the faith. My people.” OSTRACISM AND MENTAL HEALTH You asked earlier whether ostracism can be called “the worst form of psychological abuse” . Scientifically, we cannot state that. There is no reliable scientific ranking that can identify ostracism as the worst form of psychological abuse. What research does support is that long-term social exclusion can be very severe. Loneliness and social isolation are associated with poorer psychological and physical well-being. Research has also found links between severe loneliness and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. That explicitly does not mean: ostracism causes suicide. Suicidality is complex and usually has multiple factors. But it does mean that long-term exclusion, loss of a social network, hopelessness, and severe loneliness must not be minimized . That is precisely relevant for family doctors and psychologists who are supporting someone who has lost a large part of their social network. In your current text, this distinction is also carefully described. WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH IT? Try not to expect yourself to have to choose between: “I miss them.” and: “I don’t want to go back.” Both feelings can exist side by side. Also try to explore what exactly you have lost . Do you miss the faith? Or do you miss your family? Your friends? Your community? Your familiar social life? Your view of the future? People who know your history? The better you understand what you miss, the better you can explore which parts of it might be rebuilt. It can also help to consciously preserve your life story. Write down memories. Keep photos. Tell stories to your partner, children, or new friends. New people were not present in your past. But they can become people with whom your past is welcome. When loneliness, sadness, guilt, or despair become increasingly heavy, it is wise to discuss this with a family doctor, POH-GGZ, psychologist, or other care provider. QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT • Do I miss the faith, or do I mainly miss the people? • If my family had normal contact with me again tomorrow without me having to go back to the faith, would I still want to return? • Which people witnessed important parts of my life? • Which memories can I share with almost no one anymore? • What do I miss most: love, family, familiarity, community, certainty, or identity? • Do I feel guilty because I did something that goes against my own values, or because others reject my choice? • What price would I pay for myself if I went back? • What price do I pay if I do not go back? • What does staying true to myself mean to me? • Can I let love, loss, anger, relief, and doubt exist at the same time? FOR THE FAMILY DOCTOR OR PSYCHOLOGIST For someone who is being excluded for a long time, it can help to make clear that the loss may be much greater than: “I no longer have contact with my family.” It may involve the simultaneous loss of: family; friends; community; social identity; daily contacts; shared memories; familiar roles; a view of the future; and people who witnessed someone’s life for decades. For former Jehovah's Getuigen, another complicated element may be added: the people someone is grieving are still alive. And sometimes there is also the thought that restoration of those contacts might be possible if someone returns to the faith. As a result, grief, guilt, hope, identity, faith, and connection can be constantly intertwined. It is therefore useful not only to ask: “Why can’t you let it go?” but also: Which people have you lost? How large was your social network before and after leaving? Who knows your life history? Are you considering returning because you believe again, or because you miss the people? How severe are the loneliness and hopelessness? Are there thoughts that life should not go on, or thoughts of suicide? That can help a care provider better understand the extent of the loss. SUMMARY Ostracism means that someone is ignored or excluded. Research shows that social exclusion can threaten fundamental human needs for belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaning . For some former Jehovah's Getuigen, exclusion can go far beyond the loss of a number of social contacts. It can be the people who were part of their life for decades. The people who know their childhood. Their family history. Their mistakes. Their stories. Their “remember when?” As a result, it can feel as if not only people disappear, but as if part of one’s own life story can no longer go anywhere. And precisely because those people are still alive and returning to the faith may also seem to mean restoring contact, a particularly painful dilemma can arise: Do I stay true to myself, or do I return to a faith I no longer believe in to get my people back? You can miss someone intensely and at the same time know that you do not want to return to the faith. Those two feelings do not contradict each other. FURTHER READING / SCIENTIFIC SOURCES I would keep the source block from the current version. It contains exactly the studies that fit the article’s content: Williams on ostracism, Grieving the Living , research on shunning among former Jehovah's Getuigen, and meta-analyses on loneliness, suicidality, and social isolation.