Being honest with yourself

Recognizable questions Do I actually know what I want? Why do I sometimes say something different from what I feel inside? How do I know whether a choice comes from me or from old expectations? Am I allowed to admit that I think differently from my family? Can I be honest with myself without having to tell everyone else everything right away? Why is it sometimes so hard to take my own feelings seriously? And how do I build a life after leaving that truly suits me? Honesty does not start with other people Honesty is often seen as something between people: not lying, keeping agreements, being reliable. But there is also a form of honesty that comes before that: being honest with yourself. That means trying to acknowledge what you truly feel, think, believe, and want — even when the answer is uncomfortable. You may discover: ‘I actually don’t believe this anymore.’ ‘I miss my family much more than I want to admit.’ ‘I’m not happy in this relationship at all.’ ‘I don’t want to go back, even though I miss the community.’ ‘I pretend I’m free, but actually I’m still scared.’ Self-honesty does not require you to change anything immediately. It starts with daring to see what is already there. Why is it sometimes hard to be honest with yourself? Because the truth about ourselves can have consequences. When you acknowledge: ‘I don’t want this anymore’ the next thought may be: ‘What does that mean for my marriage, family, or faith?’ When you admit: ‘I long for this’ guilt may follow immediately. And when you have learned for years that certain thoughts, desires, or doubts are wrong, you may even try to keep them hidden from yourself. Not consciously lying, but quickly pushing feelings away: ‘I’m not allowed to think that.’ ‘I should be more grateful.’ ‘I’m not supposed to feel this way.’ You can censor yourself too Self-censorship therefore does not only happen with other people. Internally, too, you can hardly allow certain thoughts. A doubt arises and is immediately corrected. A feeling of anger becomes instantly: ‘I need to be forgiving.’ A desire becomes: ‘That’s selfish.’ Sadness becomes: ‘I have so much to be thankful for, don’t I?’ As a result, over time you may come to know very well what you are supposed to feel , but less well what you actually feel. Within a strongly shared faith identity Within a close religious community there can be a lot of clarity about: what is right, what is wrong, what a spiritual goal is, what a good marriage looks like, which relationships are appropriate, and which choices bring someone closer to God. For someone who shares those beliefs, that can bring peace and direction. But when beliefs begin to change, a new question may arise: ‘What do I think about this if I don’t already fill in the answer beforehand?’ That question can be surprisingly difficult. ‘What do I believe?’ and ‘what am I supposed to believe?’ Those two can blend together for a long time. You may say: ‘I believe this is the truth.’ But beneath that sentence there may be all kinds of other questions: Have I investigated this for myself? What would I believe if my family believed something else? Do I dare to look at information that could change my current belief? What would I lose if my conclusion were different? Self-honesty does not mean the answer must necessarily go against your faith. After research, you may also think: ‘Yes, this really is what I believe.’ The important difference is that the answer is not merely repeated, but personally examined. After leaving, the same problem can remain Leaving a religious organization does not automatically make someone fully honest with themselves. Even outside the community, you can take on new roles. ‘Now I have to be strong.’ ‘Now I have to be happy because I’m free.’ ‘Now I absolutely must not long to go back.’ ‘Now I have to prove that my new life is better.’ But maybe you miss certain people terribly. Maybe you still find some aspects of your former life beautiful. Maybe you’re angry. Maybe you doubt. Maybe you feel relieved and sad. Self-honesty allows multiple feelings to exist side by side. You do not have to demonize your past in order to move forward Recovery does not require every memory to be negative. You can say: ‘I had genuine friendships there.’ and: ‘I don’t want to go back.’ You can say: ‘My parents meant many things from a place of love.’ and: ‘Some choices still caused me harm.’ You can acknowledge: ‘I believe differently now.’ without having to pretend you were never sincere in the past. Self-honesty can handle nuance. Feelings are information, not orders Being honest with yourself also does not mean that every feeling must be acted on immediately. You can feel: ‘I want to call him now.’ and decide not to do it. You can be angry without hurting anyone. You can long for someone who is not good for you. You can feel guilty while rationally concluding that you did nothing wrong. A feeling says: ‘This is alive in me.’ It does not automatically say: ‘So this is what I must do.’ Why acknowledging feelings can actually bring clarity When you keep fighting a feeling, it takes energy. Your thoughts then are not only about the problem itself, but also about: ‘I am not allowed to feel this.’ When you name the feeling first: ‘I’m jealous.’ ‘I’m afraid.’ ‘I’m relieved.’ ‘I miss them.’ that creates a little more room to then ask: ‘What does this actually mean?’ That can lead to clearer thinking and less automatic reacting. ‘Who am I?’ For former Jehovah’s Witnesses, self-honesty can be closely tied to identity. When for years you mainly thought in terms of: ‘We believe…’ ‘We do…’ ‘We are different from the world…’ the question: ‘Who am I?’ can become much bigger than expected. That is not only about faith. It can be about: music, sexuality, relationships, clothing, work, parenting, spirituality, political or social views, leisure time, and future plans. You do not have to discover that identity all at once. It often becomes visible through many small choices. From ‘what should?’ to ‘what fits?’ A helpful shift can be from: ‘What should someone like me do?’ to: ‘What truly fits my values and my life?’ For example: ‘Should I be in a relationship?’ becomes: ‘Do I actually want a relationship right now?’ ‘Am I allowed to wear this?’ becomes: ‘Do I feel like myself in this?’ ‘Should I tell my family everything?’ becomes: ‘What do I want to share, with whom, and why?’ That is not selfishness. It is learning to take personal responsibility. Self-honesty is not the same as spilling everything This distinction is important. You can be completely honest with yourself and still decide not to tell someone else something. Maybe you think: ‘I live with my partner and I’m happy there.’ That is self-honesty. Then you can consciously decide: ‘I’m not telling my parents this right now because I want to weigh the possible consequences.’ That can be a boundary. It is something different from continuing to tell yourself inside: ‘Actually, I’m not doing anything that goes against the rules.’ So self-honesty and full openness are not the same thing. Privacy is allowed An authentic life does not mean that everyone has a right to all your thoughts, relationships, and choices. You are allowed to have privacy. The question is rather: ‘Am I hiding this because I consciously choose privacy, or because I don’t dare allow myself to be who I really am?’ That difference is often more important than the question of whether or not you tell something. Sometimes you discover you’ve been convincing yourself for years That can be confronting. Maybe you say: ‘My relationship is actually fine.’ but notice that you are constantly unhappy. Or: ‘It doesn’t bother me that my family barely has contact.’ while every family gathering affects you. Or: ‘I really don’t believe in anything anymore.’ while noticing that spirituality is still important to you. Self-honesty does not have to feel pleasant. But it can prevent you from spending years defending a life that does not truly fit you. Examining motives When you have an important decision to make, you can ask yourself: Why do I want this? Not just once, but sometimes several times. Why do I want to go back to the congregation? Maybe because you believe again. Maybe because you miss your parents. Maybe both. Why do I want this relationship? Because you truly love someone? Because being alone feels unbearable? Why do I go out every weekend? Because you enjoy it? Because being at home brings up sadness? Even here, there doesn’t have to be just one answer. People often have several motives at the same time. Self-honesty does not prevent every mistake Even when you know yourself well, you can still make the wrong decision. You can trust someone who turns out not to be trustworthy. Stay in a relationship too long. Choose a job that disappoints you. Drink too much. Set a boundary too late. Recovery therefore does not mean: ‘From now on I make perfect choices.’ It can mean: ‘I try to recognize more quickly and honestly what is happening in me, and I learn from it.’ Honesty without self-condemnation This may be even more important. Self-reflection can easily turn into self-criticism. ‘Why did I do this?’ becomes: ‘How stupid of me.’ But self-honesty works better when there is also curiosity: ‘Why did I do this?’ ‘What was I trying to get or avoid with this?’ ‘What did I need back then?’ ‘What would I like to do differently next time?’ You do not have to excuse behavior in order not to write yourself off as a person. Shame makes honesty harder When you think: ‘If I admit this, it means I’m a bad person’ it becomes tempting to distort reality. That is why this distinction helps: I did something I do not stand behind is something different from: I am bad. From the first thought, you can take responsibility. From the second, hiding, denial, or punishing yourself is more likely to arise. Your body can sometimes signal something before your thoughts do Some people realize afterward: ‘My body actually knew for a long time that something wasn’t right.’ That does not have to be mystical. Maybe you were constantly tense around a certain person. You slept badly before every meeting. You felt relieved when an appointment was canceled. Physical reactions are not infallible truth, but they can provide information. A useful question is: ‘What do I notice in myself when I’m not trying to give the right answer?’ Writing can help A simple way to listen to yourself more honestly is to write without an audience. Not for Facebook. Not for family. Not for your partner. Just for yourself. For example, start with: If no one would be disappointed, I would… What I actually don’t dare to say out loud is… What I am angry about is… What I miss is… What I truly want is… You do not have to publish or act on anything. The goal is first to discover what is inside you. Distinguish between fact, feeling, and expectation Another exercise: Fact: my mother did not respond to my message yesterday. Feeling: I feel sadness and fear. Thought: she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. What do I know for sure? Only that she has not replied yet. This helps you be honest without immediately treating every interpretation as fact. Ask yourself: ‘Whose expectation is this?’ When you think: ‘I should want this’ you can ask: ‘Who taught me that I should want this?’ Maybe it truly is your value. Maybe it comes from parents. A former partner. Religion. Social media. A new group of friends. The goal is not to reject all external influence. We are all influenced. The goal is to be able to consciously say: ‘I want to keep this.’ or: ‘This no longer fits me.’ Make a personal values list When old rules fall away, it can help to build new boundaries not around: ‘what is allowed?’ but around: ‘what is important to me?’ For example: honesty safety freedom kindness loyalty curiosity health justice connection self-respect Choose five, for example. Then ask yourself in difficult decisions: ‘Which choice best fits the values I want to live by myself?’ Small experiments are often more useful than major upheavals You do not have to redesign your entire identity right away. Try something small. A different activity. An evening alone. A new hobby. A conversation in which you state one boundary more clearly. Whether or not to celebrate a holiday. A few weeks of going out less. After that, you can ask yourself: How did this really feel? What did I think of it when no one was telling me what I was supposed to think? Identity is partly discovered through experience. Also dare to change your mind Self-honesty does not mean: ‘I have to stay consistent with what I said yesterday.’ Maybe after leaving you thought: ‘I never want anything to do with religion again.’ and later discover that spirituality still interests you. Or you thought: ‘I have to experience everything I missed out on.’ and discover that what you actually need is peace and quiet. Changing your mind does not have to be a failure. It can mean that you are getting to know yourself better. Relationships are often more honest when you know yourself better If you do not know what you want, it is hard to give someone else clarity. You say yes while you feel no. You stay while you want to leave. You promise something you actually cannot carry. Self-knowledge can therefore improve relationships. Not because you always want the same thing, but because you can better say: ‘This is how I feel.’ ‘This is what I need.’ ‘This is where my boundary is.’ ‘I’m still unsure about this.’ But honesty is not a weapon ‘I’m just being honest’ is not a free pass to be harsh. You can be honest and still take into account timing, your words, and the other person. ‘I want to end this relationship’ can be honest. Humiliating someone with every irritation you have ever felt is something else entirely. Integrity calls for both truth and responsibility. When you are afraid of what you may discover Sometimes people avoid self-reflection because they fear that an honest answer will turn their whole life upside down. ‘What if I discover I no longer believe?’ ‘What if I actually want a divorce?’ ‘What if I can never see my family the same way again?’ You do not have to solve every consequence today. First you may simply acknowledge: ‘This is the question living in me.’ Recognizing a truth and acting on it are two different steps. What can you do concretely? 1. Stop correcting yourself immediately. When a feeling comes up, do not immediately try to think what you should feel. Start with: ‘This is apparently what I feel.’ 2. Write without an audience. A journal that no one ever needs to read can make space for thoughts you would otherwise censor quickly. 3. Ask about your motive. ‘Why do I want this?’ and also: ‘What am I afraid of if I choose something different?’ 4. Distinguish between old rules and current values. For example, write side by side: what I was taught before | what I personally think today . 5. Pay attention to guilt and shame. Ask: ‘Have I truly harmed someone, or have I mainly broken an old norm?’ 6. Make small decisions consciously. Self-confidence often grows through small choices you make yourself and whose consequences you learn to carry. 7. Seek out people with whom doubt is allowed. Not only people who want to hear exactly the same conclusion. 8. Give yourself time. After decades of group identity, you do not have to know exactly who you are within six months. When professional help can help If you hardly know what you want anymore, constantly experience guilt or shame, struggle greatly to feel your boundaries, or keep ending up in self-destructive patterns, professional support can help. A good therapist does not have to determine which religious belief is correct. He or she can help explore questions such as: What do I feel? What do I believe? What have I been taught to believe? What do I want to keep? Which choices fit my current values? For some former members of strongly religious groups, it is reassuring when the therapist understands how strongly belief, family, identity, and social safety can be connected. You do not have to know exactly who you are first That may sound strange in an article about self-knowledge. But identity is not a hidden object you have to find somewhere deep inside yourself. It also develops through choices and experiences. You do not only discover: ‘This is who I am.’ You also build: ‘This is who I want to become.’ That creates room. You do not have to go back to the person you were before Jehovah’s Witnesses. And you do not have to become the opposite of that person. You are allowed to keep developing. Questions to think about What do I really feel when I stop thinking about what I should feel? What truth about myself do I find hard to admit? Which choices do I make mainly so I won’t disappoint others? Which choices do I make specifically to prove that no one can control me anymore? What do I truly miss from my former life? What do I absolutely not want back? Which values are truly important to me? Which old standards do I consciously want to keep? Which expectations am I still carrying around even though they no longer fit me? Where do I say yes when I actually mean no? Where do I keep myself small out of fear of other people’s reaction? Which feelings am I trying to numb or avoid? With whom can I be honest without that person deciding my conclusion for me? What small choice today would be more in line with who I want to become? If I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, what would I really want? Summary Being honest with yourself means being willing to see your own feelings, beliefs, desires, and motives as they are — even when they are uncomfortable. For someone who has lived for a long time within a strongly shared system of faith and values, that can become extra complicated after leaving. The question sometimes changes from: ‘What is the right answer?’ to: ‘What is truly my answer?’ That process does not have to mean rejecting everything from the past. Some values remain. Others change. Some feelings turn out to be old guilt or fear. Others say something important about what you need today. Self-honesty does not mean you have to tell everyone everything or follow every emotion. It means you no longer have to hide from yourself. From there, more clarity can slowly emerge: this is how I feel. This is what I believe. This is what I want to explore. This is my boundary. This no longer fits me. And this is what I do want to carry forward. Maybe healing therefore does not begin with knowing exactly who you are. Maybe it begins with giving yourself permission not to know the honest answer yet — and being willing to discover it. ‘If I don’t have to convince, protect, or please anyone — what is honestly true for me?’ Sources Carl Rogers - work on congruence, self-concept, and authentic functioning Edward L. Deci & Richard M. Ryan - Self-Determination Theory; autonomy and self-endorsed motivation Susan Harter - research on authenticity and self-development James Pennebaker - research on writing and emotional processing Leon Festinger - cognitive dissonance American Psychological Association - information on self-reflection, identity, emotions, and psychological well-being See also in the A-Z Psychology Glossary C - Cognitive dissonance - What happens when behavior, feeling, and belief do not align? G - Conscience - How does your inner sense of right and wrong develop? G - Group identity - How can a group become part of who you are? I - Internalization - How do outside norms become part of your own inner voice? L - Loyalty conflict - What happens when being loyal to yourself feels like betrayal of others? Z - Self-censorship - What happens when you keep parts of yourself hidden because being visible could cost you something? Also read on ExJW.World V - Free will - How free is a choice when old expectations and possible consequences are involved? W - Worldly - Which old categories can keep playing a role after you’ve started thinking differently? Recovery - Suddenly limitless after leaving? - How do you develop your own boundaries and values after a highly regulated life? Recovery - Social rebuilding after the congregation - How do you rebuild connection outside your former community?